Self esteem or a sense of worth is a very fragile thing for me. I am not competent to comment on others' feelings on the same matter, but some words (even if spoken in a different context) are like a death blow to that thing in me.

Though often here I have voiced my feelings of acute loneliness at times which drive me to the contemplation of that forbidden decision, what kept me going is the fact that my life in other ways was going well. There had been improvements I believed.

Things were better than they were before, ergo they would be even more better tomorrow..

Today once again I find myself re evaluating the events of my life in the recent past in a new light, and it is growing on me that despite my severe caution, I had been looking at my life through rose colored glasses... delusions of progress, where in fact there had been none.

It seems I am the same as I was a few years ago during that time I had conveniently chosen to forget.

I am back where I began and I can feel the darkness around me.. again.

I can't make the journey again.. it took too much effort to do it the first time and turns out that wasn't even real. I am still... nothing. And everybody had known this but had nurtured my delusions or had tried to show me but me in my cocoon of complacency and new found will to live had refused to see it.

Things are becoming clearer now.. and the reality of me is.. not something I can continue with.. not for long.

I can't believe I was so stupid..
TrueZetetic TrueZetetic
26-30, M
2 Responses Aug 20, 2014

Aww I hope you can stop beating yourself up =) You owe it to yourself.

I post emotional posts based on the momentary outburst of feelings. This was ages ago, for a few hours, on that particular day. :) I have a mood disorder and ADHD. I'm doing great now.. thanks btw for the flurry of participation and patience with my posts. :D Much appreciated!

I can tell. That's fine by me lol.

Is there something in particular in your life that you thought was getting better but isn't? I frequently seem to go back and forth between feeling slightly optimistic and feeling like life is going to get better, then suddenly find myself thinking that there is just no hope for me. I don't really value life that much so I would kind of rather just not do it, but I know if I killed myself it would really cause a lot of pain for my family. I sort of end up resenting them because I feel like it is their fault that I have to keep dealing with everything. I hope whatever it is gets better for you.

I am actually feeling a lot better these days. This post was written in the wake of a particularly depressing argument with someone and I felt lost. But I do relate to your thoughts on 'living on for them'. I have visited that dreary dungeon of misery a few times, and it is home to a depressing mechanical cycle of reasoning. Thank you for taking time out to respond anyways.. :) Really do appreciate it.

It's very inspiring to hear that you are feeling better :)