My Disordered Eating

I was always the "skinny one", everybody told me how thin I was, how underweight. I was athletic as a child I did ballet, ice skating, soccer, basketball, I always ate whatever I wanted and I never gained weight, I'd have pressure to gain weight from my parents and finishing a happy meal at McDonalds was a huge accomplishment. I don't know when exactly I started to hate my body. I just remember at 6 years old ready to leave for my dance class in my tight outfit, looking down at my stomach and feeling disgusted hating it, that's the day I decided to quit dance.

Throughout my childhood I was deathly afraid of being alone, its one of my biggest fears that I have never got over, that plays a large part in my life as well as my extreme anxiety problems that contributes to all my problems. I always remembered hating my body, my hips, my thighs, but I tried to ignore it, I thought about losing weight all the time, I thought about throwing up my food but I didn't really acknowledge how I was thinking. One day I was maybe 14 and I wanted to stay home from school because I was really upset and my mom wouldn't let me so I sat over the toilet trying to make myself throw up so she'd think I was sick and let me stay home, I was just think "yes I finally have the courage to do this, once I can I'll never be afraid and ill lose all the weight and eat whatever I want" I didn't succeed at all, I ended up gagging a whole lot but that's pretty much it.

My parents had gotten a divorce when I was 13 and my mother got remarried instantly. I didn't take it too hard, I was struggling with body image still but it was in the back of my head, I was relatively happy throughout 8th grade, despite my extreme self hatred and family problems but that's a whole other story. By 9th grade in January I had gotten my first boyfriend, and possibly my first love, long story short he cheated on me and broke my heart, and that ended. He helped me a lot though with my anxiety about being alone when we were together, we'd talk on the phone every night and I felt like he was with me so I could sleep relaxed but I became too attached, and once he broke up with me I got together with this guy I didn't really like at all, just so I didn't feel alone I didn't like him at all but he was crazy about me, I feel bad about it now. but I later left him for my best friend that I am currently dating. We started dating at 15 during that time I was already very depressed and contemplating suicide very often, hating myself everything about myself I couldn't stand to look in the mirror I was 126 pounds and 5'7 I looked like a whale and I couldn't stand it.
One day I ate a lot at dinner I felt bloated and disgusting. I went to take a shower and when I came out I looked down at my disgusting body, I wanted to die, My stomach was huge my legs were huge and I realized I couldn't be like this I couldn't live with this body anymore, I sat at the toilet and tried to purge in tears but it didn't work and my entire throat was in a lot of pain, I got scared and stopped trying but decided to really restrict, I ate maybe 200 calories a day for a good few months losing only 15 pounds. My family noticed and always mentioned me looking too thin, but then I was diagnosed with a chronic disease that causes weight loss, everybody thought that was the reason why I lost weight and I kept with that excuse.

I go back and forth between eating normally and starving I'm 17 now and 109 pounds nobody knows or notices how I eat, I still want to lose enough to be 90 pounds. I still suffer from my depression and dealing with my anxiety. My boyfriend is the only person who knows but he doesn't take me seriously enough, and he's honestly getting sick of me. Which yesterday through me into the worst panic attack of my life. I started cutting yesterday and been pushed deeper into my disorder. I desperately want to see a therapist, I want to be fixed. But I'm too scared to go to anybody and confess, I'm ashamed. If I'm ever going to be better I need to fix myself, but I cant. I want to die all the time, I restrict very little and try to purge the little I eat, I suffer from many panic attacks, and now I fear I will have a cutting problem...I'm ashamed of who I am. I don't know what to do anymore.
letsrunawayxx letsrunawayxx
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

I know hard it is to constantly hate your body and just desperately wanting to achieve the goal weight, but honestly you need to work out the reason why you hate your weight or yourself so bad that you'd go to the extreme of wanting to die. How are you doing now? Xxxx