Ok, so I just wanted to post on here to everyone who has ever been and or is going through it. I currently am. Everyday goes by and I feel like I am jus trying to ignore the fact that I am by trying to think of the days activities or spend money and go somewhere. In reality some of those times I don't even want to go anyplace and some of the times end up fun and others don't. Today I looked at my Facebook timeline over all 7 years I have had it. It made me laugh and it almost made me cry. I saw all the times I was happy and all the people I was friends with. I saw how I had everything going for me. I never was financially set at this point in time but physically and emotionally/mentally I was on it. I feel like this depression clusters my mind and I can't even think straight. I get the impression that I have dumbed myself down because of it. I read comments on posts too. I the. Try to think how I was feeling then. How I had the confidence and had more love and support. When you isolate yourself from certain people you do lose support. You also lose people as time goes on and people move on to there careers in their lives. This to me made me a little sad because some of the people I once knew, I can't even get their attention anymore or they have changed. There where times I saw that I remember I had soo much fun and think that I can never relive those moments. Sometimes I wish I could rewind time and have it all back again. I also lost my shape and have put on weight which does not help my confidence.Then there was time where I had my girlfriend I dated for 3 years and I still made the best of times but it did go downhill after a while. I start to to really wonder if my depression was slowly happening for a long time and I never realized it. I also question wether or not the car accident I had in 2010 impacted me and made me more prone to depression since there have been some studies and relations to this. I had a seizure in this car accident.i later as all the good times passed run into fewer good times. Less people wished me a happy birthday. Then it gets to a point in last year where I just hit rock bottom. I was moving from place to place and living in a car for a period of time. It was months and it was not fun yet I somehow managed my job although rather difficult. Well I ended up losing my job and at this point in time is when me and my ex gf broke up. It alone was depressing thinking of all good and bad times we had. In reality it had to be for the best. Well after that I was still kind of on the move from places for a period of time. This is where I notice on my timeline that I don't have as many posts on it. I ended up staying at a friends for a period of time and he got kicked out so we where both screwed. We both ended up living in a drug house basically. This wasn't the life for me but I did get introduced to cocaine. I did that for a period of maybe 6 months in total. When I was at this house I really had no real friends. None of the people where really true to each other. It was a party of 20 people literally everyday . I tried a couple things like Molly and some other things. I did not consistently do them. Maybe like 2 times and one drug I didn't even think I was doing. It was all stupid and I had next to no money. It was pretty much hell. I slept on a floor every night with people always walking around blasting music. Well one day I woke up and it was a cop yelling that they had a search warrant and the door got kicked down. The whole city police was lined up and state police and transport vans and at least 25 people from the swat team flooded in the door and busted the windows out. They had riot shields and guns pointed yelling don't move or we will shoot! I got lined up and cuffed. I didn't even get to put my shoes on and sat in a cold cell for 8 hours in holding an it was hell. I thought I was going to jail for something I hadn't even done. I didn't take part in the actual activities other than someone who would come there to party to leave it at that. Well I was let go and so where a bunch of other people but now I needed to find a new home with no job and I was basically ******. I ended up with this other guy and older adult whose wife divorced him because he got caught cheating. Well this didn't help because we too moved from place to place. In between all this before this happened I lost my license and someone totaled my car. I forgot to add that in. But anyways we ended up at one of the guys who used to come there and sell "stuff" too and it was like déjà vu. It was terrible because it smelled like cat **** and it was gross and not clean and I had to sit in the dirty ****** apartment without anything all day long for about 3 weeks before finally me and that guy left and got a hotel. It was good timing because the other guy was gonna be evicted for not paying his rent anywaysI had to fight to find a wAy to come up with some money and it was not easy. I had to ask people to lend me money and finally at this point I had unemployment which basically after paying dues to the hotel I basically had no money left. We eventually ended up at some ladies house where it was cheaper to pay rent. It was not fun and the lady was a but but it was something. I tried to get out as much as I could. The guy whom was staying with me put me through hell too. At this point in time nobody knew who snitched and why the house got raided. All the neighbors knew and a lot of people knew it was almost impossible to not happen eventually especially In a town where the cops where horrible. Well I heard someone say that people started thinking it was me. I was terrified after that because I have anxiety but it was not this bad before. I thought I was gonna get attacked and I literally had no way to prove it wasn't me. The guy I was loving with practically brainwashed my mind and told me that people where looking for me. That people called his phone and where saying ****. I believed him. Everything was blown out of proportion because this was not true. People where accusing everyone and I didn't know because we all got separated after that. The guy lied and ****** with me head so for a long time I thought I was gonna get hurt over something that had nothing to do with me. Well Eventually I left him and the crazy women and my parents took me back in for the first time since I was 18 yrs old. This helped a little bit. Eventually I found out who did snitch because I talked to the one of the kids who got charges and he told me his lawyer got a motion to discover and someone had a written statement. I was shocked to find out who it was. It really put a twist to things but after talking with the kid more which there where 3 people who got charges that where fairly bad, one got the worst an didn't even. Deserve the blunt of it. But he told me they knew it wasn't me and the guy I was staying with was a ******* loser. It makes sense now but it was pure ******* hell. I took those people all out of my life with the exception of talking to one of the kids That got charged from the whole deal. Well now I started to feel better and not have as bad of anxiety but still kind of did. I would go to bars for fun . Well all of a sudden jan 1 of this year I woke up with a panic attack. I remember getting up and pacing back and forth I could not sleep and wanted to slam my head against a wall. Depression really hit me. I looked in the mirror and was soo blindsided as to what was going on. I cried for No reason. It was soo bad I shoveled snow for 3 hours and was depressed and honestly was in denial and didn't know for at least the first 3 months of the year. I started working out but had to stop after a while because of the way my head felt after. I honestly didn't want to do anything at all but was forcing myself because of fear. I eventually discovered the nhl games and it helped with my depression. For a bit because of the positive energy. I went to tons of playoff games it was amazing. Every day though I wake up and I have not been myself my head always feels bad and get anxiety. It's tough doing my job as it is all of my problems set aside. I have done all I could to force myself to get out.II did have soo many good times I appreciate having.sometimes I feel it is shore lived though. And I still battle the depression. I have refused to take antidepressants but am close to giving in. I know I have been all over the place with what I said but this is my life events. I believe it may have some connection as to why this happened to me. I could never have understood what someone who is going through it would feel until now and I do not wish it upon my worst enemy. I have to have answers and explanations and I will never have a definitive answer sadly. There are too many or a combination of things. I have been told anti depressants will help and I can get past this. I look at my timeline now this year more as of late and I'm not the outgoing popular guy I was once before. I have had an eventful year and know I have some people who care. My group isn't as big anymore and some people in the group well that I don't consider part of mine I can tell just are not the people I get along with. I know I need to work on getting back in shape too. I also know I need to figure my future out as well. I have other things I stress about too but who doesn't. Anyways I am battling it hard. I wouldn't be taking the time to write practically an essay if I wasn't. I just want to be that happy outgoing popular person I once was before so people look up to me instead of in sorrow. A lot of people reading this will understand if you have actually experienced real depression. I don't mean you broke up with your gf and now you are sad no I mean real depression and the people who have it or have really experienced it know what I am talking about. I have done a lot to try to bring myself back now. I have done a lot of events and have a lot more planned this year. I have a good paying stable job. I have some mental support and I also have my license back. I am hoping to go back to school soon for business management and eventually own my own business. This has definitely made It harder for me. Like I said I am battling it to. It's real. I know it's easy for someone to say you will get past it, but until I am the person I once was before and even more improved I will not be happy. And I would like to wake up feeling good and ready to go on with my day. I miss being able to feel happy just doing simple things. I take anti anxiety meds now which I know are a cover up. I know something needs to change to help me get there. I am doing all I can here. I don't even talk to much with my friends about it because they don't understand so I don't want to talk to them about it. So here I am. I know it's a life story and there is a lot more. But this is a good chunk of change for a night. But stay strong everyone. Seriously I am fighting this hard and it sucks miserably. I want to have that beautiful girlfriend again. I want to be happy and have friends hitting me up all the time and me being able to come up with the good ideas and being the center of attention and not the guy that's just there with people. I want to be happy again and content otherwise. It's a big battle and I can't say the final outcome. But for those who are going through it keep your head up because understand that any harm or bad thing you can think of doing to yourself is not going to make things better. I can't tell you exactly what's gonna make it change for me but I am still trying. I'm hard headed and maybe that's why I'm here today still fighting this. You can make it if I can. We can make it. Your not alone. And done let negative stories or things online discourage you. At least try to surround yourself with positive energy. I want my life back dammit and I'm not letting it go. I am putting up that battle and I'm not going to back down. I will fight the hell between but something has to give and it's not going to be me and don't let it be you. I have much love for everyone who has had an experience but let's get through it together. It's hard but together we can avoid living in the past and once again be happy and love for the future with it feeling naturally to do so and not forced upon by you or someone else. Let's do it everyone! There will be a lot more hell to come but don't let that discourage you. We can challenge it together and kick it's *** as if it was someone who came in to take everything we ever loved and cared for. We can win. I need you all to spread the love. Let's get this going. Share to someone you know who needs this. Let's start a positive chain. Who is in? Its time to get back what's been taken from us! Happiness to come!
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Aug 18, 2014