Sometimes...

There are some things that make me want to cut... I used to cut and it took the pain away... No one really knows everything because I never told them... My best friend doesn't even know exactly what I have done or exactly what I went through...

I started cutting in 2010... and I was forced to stop in 2011... I cut my arms, stomach, and legs... but mostly my arms. I wanted to commit suicide at times but my best friend talked me out of it... she told me that if I ever did she would too... so I didn't... I would cut to take the pain away and get made fun of... I never told anyone exactly how it felt inside so no one really understood at least none of my friends besides one... well I was forced to stop by hospitals, parents, and my school... my school sent me to the emergency room and the people said one more time and i'd be put in the hospital... my dad often threatened to put me in the hospital as well... no one knows that I constantly struggle to keep myself happy... at least on the inside... my best friend doesn't even know what i'm going through on the inside... I listen to everyone else's problems and so wish they were mine... like I could have as simple of problems... but no... well I lost my best friend last summer of 2011... and my best friend now does not share the same issues... my best friend is candyapplelette... I constantly have to push away the memories of being sexually abused for 5 years... or the fact that my best friend is dead... that the doctors killed her... no one that I know really understands all this and it makes it hard to stay happy when I have to keep it bottled up inside because the only person that actually understood died last summer... maybe it doesn't sound like much but for me... it tortures me inside... and I want to talk to someone... I have my mom to talk to but I feel like I also need a best friend that shares the same experiences or similar ones but my best friend that did is no longer here... my best friend as of right now told me she has cut once... and it didn't even leave a scar... I have many scars... on my arms... my stomach (which are thankfully going away), and my legs that I never told anyone... the urge comes back and I fight it off... for my family and my friends... not for me, but for all of them... the pain that all the sexual abuse caused... the pain of loosing my best friend... it kills me inside sometimes... but there is not always someone there to listen... because I feel like if I tell my friend she isn't going to understand... sometimes... I just really don't know what to do... :'(
AngryLittlePrincess AngryLittlePrincess
18-21, F
Sep 23, 2012