Relapse.

By setting my title as such, I have come to accept where I have fallen. I have a background story, not that it matters much. I feel stupid saying that everything started the day that my grandmother died, seven years ago. I felt so alone, still feel so alone. I don't know how I have gotten through thus far. I guess the important thing is that I have. Then my brother left for university. Again the sense of abandonment. Five years later/ This year, my best friend leaves for university. In fact, all of my friends that understand me left for university. I feel unwanted, that sense of abandonment. That's more or less background, my story has many timelines, many branches.

So seven years ago around the time my gran died I started cutting. On top of that, there was this guy, a guy I could consider a close friend. Then things got out of hand, to the point that I felt that something was wrong, he was sexually harassing me, touching etc. It felt wrong. Each time, I told myself it was a mistake, that maybe I was reading too much into things. That maybe I was wrong.

After four years, my best friend convinced me to tell the school counselor. I believe the guy friend found out about it and got upset. I didn't mean for things to escalate so much. It depressed me further. Another, i guess, ex-best friend thought that I was saying all of this for attention, she didn't believe me. On top of that she told some people at school. Things got harder. I told her that to believe what she wanted, that if she thought I was kidding and I was doing it for attention then go ahead. The friendship ended there. I thought she was someone I could trust obviously I couldn't.
That same year, the counsellor told my mum about the cutting, the depression etc. With my permission. Sometimes, I stil regret giving said permission. I started going to a psychiatrist. Taking meds etc. antidepressants, antipsychotics, antianxiety. They worked. Also I had to take sleep meds, I had been suffering from insomnia for about a year. I couldn't sleep because I was having dreams that I was raped.

There's this sick part of me that thinks that maybe I should be raped. I'm upset with that. I don't know if it stems from me thinking that nothing really happened when my friend was harassing me. That I had made it up, that nothing had happened. It felt insignificant, like, it didn't warrant my feelings of worthlessness and shame after. My mind thinks that maybe rape would warrant how I felt after all those sleepless nights. I don't think anyone understands. I don't think I do either. Rape is a serious thing. I feel guilty, because at that time, everynight that i did sleep I wold wake up screaming and squirming as I was being raped in my dreams. I mean after everything I have forgiven the friend, but there's that feeling of not forgetting. The experience has been painful.

I battled with weight this entire time, I still do. I cut, I burn, I starve sometimes. I've tried to make myself throw up once or twice. I don't know where i stand. Guys don't find me attractive, never had a boyfriend, never kissed a guy either. I always feel ugly. My weight has been going up as well. Another potential trigger to my cutting last night.

I stopped going to the psychiatrist. I stopped taking my meds. Everyone thinks I'm fine. I don't know what fine is anymore. But, if anyone asks i will say "I'm fine".

This entire post stems from me cutting last night. I hadn't in awhile. I guess I am stressed. I stress about my grades always. I have my first university final tomorrow and here I am writing.

My best friend, I still speak to her, but I can't bring myself to telling her over facebook that I have started back with the cutting. I mean she has her finals to worry about as well. She thinks that everything is fine, I feel horrible lying to her. But i think it's for the best.

The sickest thing about all of this is that I am in medical school. Talk about all the stress that I know I will have to endure. I like to keep my grades up, because if I am fat and unwanted, maybe I will be accepted for my grades.

The irony: I intend to become a psychiatrist.

Just a part of my story. I have probably relapsed.
Khaleesi18 Khaleesi18
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 6, 2012

Hey :)
Look it gets better.. I've been in a lot of similar situations... I wanna do psych too. It's nothing you can't get through... You're in med you know the ropes... Substance P dopamine endoprphins serotonin.... Be smart, its helped me deal. If you follow a faith, look to it, I myself am Muslim... Message me if you'd like support... Id love to help any way I can.