- Just a rant because I need to get this out. I don't actually expect anyone to read this so don't waste your time-

I started when I was 8. That's when I started to realize I couldn't handle the stresses of every day life like anyone else my age. My parents were gone most of the time; but for good reasons.. so i don't blame them for not noticing. I'm now almost 18 and have recovered a few times just to relapse again a few months later. I have just started again about a month ago and this time seems to have hit me really hard. I always have to have my blade with me or I start to freak out, and I feel the need to cut a lot more frequently than I used to. I am cutting every few hours on an okay day, but if something gets me feeling anxious then I feel like i can't stop doing it. It is concerning me how deeply I have fallen back into this. There are so many more cuts, so many more bad thoughts, and this is really the first time I have seriously considered suicide to just get rid of all this. A few years back I didn't even consider it - I had a few friends and a hope that I could make my future something better than my present situation. But now I have isolated myself from my friends, am so full of anxiety that i left school and won't even start up a conversation with anybody. And the part I hate the most about this is that I feel like I have no reason to feel this way. There are so many people out there that have been abused or grown up in bad situations. While I still have two parents, am middle class, had a decent childhood and haven't faced abuse. I am so angry at myself because I can't see any reason to feel this way about my life! Why the hell should I be so suicidal or angry or anxious when nothing in my life should have made me like this? I hate this. I hate my feelings. I hate who I've become. - end rant -
Kpop3661 Kpop3661
18-21, F
4 Responses Aug 16, 2014

Same here. I have everything in life except for a perfect family. My parents have constantly been fighting for 15 years which led to my self harm issues. I have been clean for three months but I really feel depressed because tonight my parents had a very big fight and I really want to cut. I hate my life, but I still want to say STAY STRONG.

at least my parents had the sense to split
but i basically became my little brothers mother from when i was 8
to now
he's 13 and i'm 15 and he's actually slipped and called me mom before
because i am someone he can confide in, and still be his sister
but being basically a mom, and having to deal with my parents resentment, my mothers stress about going bankrupt, my dads cushy life, even though he treats my bro and i like **** most of the time
he emotionally abuses me and my bro
annd so does my mum on some level
it just gets to be so much sometimes
and i try to stay strong, but it's hard
my bf broke up with me recently, and this girl i was after got a bf
and i just feel so alone, and weak, and exposed
i relapsed 2 1/2 weeks ago
and seriously considered suicide
very seriously
and something stopped me
it just gets so hard

It is really hard. My parents want to and don't want to get divorced. The only reason they haven't divorced yet is because they believe they will Rhine mine and brothers life but hey don't know how much they have damaged me. I have literally become a monster and after they found out I self harmed they emotionally blackmailed and never took me to the doctors to check my depression because they were too scared of what other people would think if they found out.

my parents care, and my dad wants to take me to therapy again, but i have so many ****** problems, that my depression is probably wrapped in some other complex emotional disease

Then you need to test your mind set, is it the truth of who you are? We can't find resolution to us, if we use the same mind set that brought on the issue in the first place.
Quote for you:
Be gentle with yourself.
If you will not be your own unconditional friend, who will be?
If you are playing an opponent and you are also opposing yourself-you are going to be outnumbered. Dan Millman

Hi I'm 61 m I still self harm can u help me

I often know how you feel. Like there is no real reason for all the anger or sadness or loneliness, but it just won't go away no matter how hard you try.