You Can Do It Toofor most of my life i thought i was stuck with it. when i was younger, i could not even imagine doing the things that i do now.
i also thought that i was broken and had no idea that anyone ever felt the way i did. it was a terrible secret and i worked so hard to fade into the wallpaper.
when i was a kid, i would never make eye contact and when i talked, i covered my mouth because i was embarrassed of my teeth. i forgot all about that until i met a kid who also does it. i knew the answers at school but NEVER raised my hand. i was terrified of people and began to go down the social phobia path. i had quit high school. but there were things that i really wanted to do. i really wanted to go to college. then i really wanted to go to grad school. and i decided that these things were important enough that i would just deal with whatever terrors awaited me. and i wont lie. some did. i still remember so many embarrassing moments. they were painful, but i survived. i didnt die.
i came to realize that the problem and the terror is inside me. it isnt out there in the world. it isnt inside of other people. i made my own hell. slowly, i started taking risks. im not completely over it, but i can do a lot of things that most people can. there are some things that i still dont like, but i can fake it when i have to.
it really took me until well into my 30's to really start making the change. i wish i had done it so much sooner.
kittten 46-50, F 5 Responses 2 Jan 26, 2008