I Don't Feel So Sure....

One of the famous proverbs in American culture regarding physical aesthetics is "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I can understand why that saying makes sense, and so I apply it to my situation.  In the past--that is, up until about 3 years ago--I felt extremely physically ugly no matter what.  I would look at myself in the mirror and feel shame and disgust, with no understanding as to why I came to such an unfounded conclusion. Much of those feelings were correlated to the cycles driven by my depression at the time. At the current moment, I don't necessarily have an opinion of my physical appearance, and as a result, I leave the open judgment of my appearance in the hands of fellow humans--the beholders.  I behold myself in a mirroring reflection and think, "Well, it's time to leave and be happy with myself." So, here lately, I have not told myself "I am unattractive...I am ugly..." I have instead left the topic up for debate, ultimately by no longer taking reponsibility of opinions and judgments surrounding my physical appearance. This has left me feeling the illusion that I have found some sort of confidence in my physical features.  But, in fact, it's left me feeling even more vunerable than when I was the ultimate decider of whether I was ugly or pretty.  So many I have asked do not describe me as "pretty, beautiful, sexual attractive, gorgeous, cute, etc." and do not think that I am physically appealing at all. This was just brought up when I confessed to a friend that I had feelings for her and she (also a dyke) said that she did not share those feelings. However, she seemed very interested in dating one of my friends, a girl she barely knew, a petite blonde with teenage features.  I wanted to cry but I didn't. I wasn't surprised at all. It's come to the point where it seems like I'm collecting unreliable data on how attractive other humans see me. Let's just say that it hurts like hell...

anisagonige anisagonige
22-25, F
Mar 7, 2009