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Struggling.

I suppose you could say I've relapsed. Recently I've been going through a lot, with my family and with my friends and it's been a struggle. I first became "anorexic" a few years ago. Something happened that made me disgusted with myself, so I stopped eating mostly, but it only lasted about a month because I overdosed on prescription pills and ended up in the hospital then in a treatment center.
Now recently, I have fallen back into old bad habits, and some bad habits got even worse. I haven't been eating and I haven't been wanting to eat. I look in the mirror and all I can see is something disgusting, worthless, unwanted... I go to school and I wish I was as pretty as all the popular girls, honestly. I definitely don't want their attitudes.. I want their beauty. I just wonder why I can't be pretty like that. So I haven't been eating. I eat very little, and I watch myself to make sure I don't eat too much. This has been going on for 3 months now.. it wasn't bad when I started, but after the 1st month, it started slowly getting worse... I know it's unhealthy. There have been moments where I've started to think "Ok, I'm done, I won't continue starving myself..." but then I quickly throw those thoughts away and just continue on not eating.. I told my cousin who struggled with anorexia for years, and she asked me to seek residential treatment because I don't only struggle with this, and she fears for me. I then ran it by my youth leader that's pretty much like a mother to me.. she searched for a residential center, but then told me it wasn't what I needed.. she wants me to try recovering with help from the church and myself. How do I do this? What do I do? Sometimes I don't want to stop. Sometimes I don't even care, I just want to hurt myself more... this is unhealthy... it's destructive... I know there's hope, and I've been seeking help.. I need it... advice please? Sorry for typing up a novel.. I just need help.
Kitcat122 Kitcat122 13-15, F 1 Response Feb 6, 2013

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thank you for sharing