Slipping Into A Disease

Sometimes eating can be so painful for me. I dislike the feeling of being full. I feel like it adds weight and I am heavier. Sometimes it gets so unbearable that I throw up. I used to get up in the morning and eat cereal and pancakes. I would go to lunch and have a "who can eat the fastest" contest with my friends. I was known for my big appetite. At dinner I did not have to worry about the number of calories I ate, I don't even think I knew what a calorie was. I started to notice on my own that my thighs were getting bigger. I would make it as a joke to my friends. Soon, they started to make a joke out of it. I laughed for a while. One day I started to look at my stomach. Just the smallest bit of fat on my stomach and I was disgusted. The next time I heard a comment on my thighs I felt obese, fat, and overweight. I don't blame my friends for it. I'm the one who said it was okay to joke about it. I never really told them it bothered me.I don't think I am anorexic yet but I feel like I could become anorexic. I just feel really grossed out about food. I do eat because I am hungry and I have the craving to eat but while I eat I think to myself "your so gross, how can you eat?" All I want to do is lose weight. I count my calories and don't have more than 300 calories a day If I go over by even a calorie I will throw up or work off the calories. I find it hard to throw up and it takes a while to actually get anything up. I don't want to slip into this disease but I think that if I do I just won't care anymore.