My Battle With Calories.
I have been battling my problem with food. I need to eat it too much. I mean, today I had a latte. It was with skinny milk, but it had caramel syrup in it!!! Yesterday I had 4 shrimps and two cups of coffee... Black, but it mad me feel so full. I know that i have to stop but its soo hard when my fiance asks me out on a date i have to say something like lets go hiking or lets take a walk, but he keeps asking me to go to dinner with him and his family. Its been a while since we had a family dinner.... Should I try bulemia? I know it doesnt work as well, but I cant let him find out about how little I eat. I want to surprise him with my beautiful changes every time I see him. He can't know. I am not hungry right now. Thats good. I am almost never hungry actually. I think that its like cravings for certain foods. like the shrimp last night. like, seriously. I was sitting in my apartment writing in my food journal about the two cups of coffee, and all of a sudden I remmebered the shrinp in my freezer that my mom gave me a few weeks ago.
I needed that shrimp.
It was the most defeating moment in my life. I walked into my kitchen, stared at the picture of me when I was 130... ugh so ******* fat. I opened it anyway and cooked those shrimp. I ate them so fast. I thought it wa going to make me puke, but it didnt. then I was sad that I didn't.
Now I am 100 pounds. Almost where I want to be... I think that my goal weight is 85. A good happy number. We'll see though because this time next year I need to look beautiful in a wedding dress. I dont know if 85 will be small enough for my 500 guest wedding. I want all my old skinny friends from high school to be so ******* jealous. Its been 3 years since high school, and I was like 145 when we graduated... OMFG I cant even think about that. I was such a ******* cow.
I dont reallt know if what I have is anorexia, persay, but I know that anyone would call it that because they wouldnt really understand. I think that people who eat all the time are the ****** up ones. I hate going to the mall and seeing all the fat people. LIKE ITS NORMAL.
the world is diseased with the idea that fat is thin. and to think that all the normal girls get **** for being so-called anorexic.
Heres to all the downtrodden ladies trying to be beautiful: if you can pull it out, its fat, and you aren't there yet, keep on, we dont need drugs to feel lightheaded, WE WILL BE BEAUTIFUL. We are already there on the inside, too bad that doesnt count. At least we aren't delusional.