My Battle With Calories.

I have been battling my problem with food. I need to eat it too much. I mean, today I had a latte. It was with skinny milk, but it had caramel syrup in it!!! Yesterday I had 4 shrimps and two cups of coffee... Black, but it mad me feel so full. I know that i have to stop but its soo hard when my fiance asks me out on a date i have to say something like lets go hiking or lets take a walk, but he keeps asking me to go to dinner with him and his family. Its been a while since we had a family dinner.... Should I try bulemia? I know it doesnt work as well, but I cant let him find out about how little I eat. I want to surprise him with my beautiful changes every time I see him. He can't know. I am not hungry right now. Thats good. I am almost never hungry actually. I think that its like cravings for certain foods. like the shrimp last night. like, seriously. I was sitting in my apartment writing in my food journal about the two cups of coffee, and all of a sudden I remmebered the shrinp in my freezer that my mom gave me a few weeks ago.


I needed that shrimp.


It was the most defeating moment in my life. I walked into my kitchen, stared at the picture of me when I was 130... ugh so ******* fat. I opened it anyway and cooked those shrimp. I ate them so fast. I thought it wa going to make me puke, but it didnt. then I was sad that I didn't.

Now I am 100 pounds. Almost where I want to be... I think that my goal weight is 85. A good happy number.  We'll see though because this time next year I need to look beautiful in a wedding dress. I dont know if 85 will be small enough for my 500 guest wedding. I want all my old skinny friends from high school to be so ******* jealous. Its been 3 years since high school, and I was like 145 when we graduated... OMFG I cant even think about that. I was such a ******* cow. 


I dont reallt know if what I have is anorexia, persay, but I know that anyone would call it that because they wouldnt really understand. I think that people who eat all the time are the ****** up ones. I hate going to the mall and seeing all the fat people. LIKE ITS NORMAL. 

the world is diseased with the idea that fat is thin. and to think that all the normal girls get **** for being so-called anorexic. 


Heres to all the downtrodden ladies trying to be beautiful: if you can pull it out, its fat, and you aren't there yet, keep on, we dont need drugs to feel lightheaded, WE WILL BE BEAUTIFUL. We are already there on the inside, too bad that doesnt count. At least we aren't delusional.

fatgirl2008skinnygirl2009 fatgirl2008skinnygirl2009
18-21, F
3 Responses Oct 16, 2008

I wish I could take all of your pain away. Please don't hurt yourself like this. Please tell someone and get help because you're only making it worse by keeping it up. You did not over eat, so please don't feel guilty. You are beautiful and you can get some help because this disorder is taking over you and I don't want you to deal with it anymore. This whole story makes me so sad. Don't be bulimic either, I tried it once and it's bad. I hope you'll consider what I've said. You're in emotional pain and you cannot see what you're doing to yourself. You know it's bad, but you can't stop on your own. Your idea of what is overweight is misinformed. And being fat isn't normal, it's unhealthy. But you don't have to be fat. You need to eat something. It will not make you gain weight.

I’m on day 10 of what I started as a 14 day fast from solid foods. As I do have some nutritional and medical background I have started a very low calorie diet. If you haven’t read my story here or my profile then I do not expect you to understand. I started keeping an eating log and using on-line Calorie-Index sites to for accurate counting. I have a system going with a photo measure log since I don’t have a scale (IE: I tape-measure my belly circumference) but when I start seeing bone I know I will be closing in on my goal. I only had 265 calories yesterday but feel I did not spread out my meals properly. Appropriate spacing of meals is crucial as the body does not know the difference between dieting and starvation. Remember that the bodies “Fight or Flight” reaction will cause one’s metabolism to slow greatly and store fat in a survival mode so if you eat less or not eat at all, you still gain (or not shed) weight as desired. I do have a system I am going to follow and will post results as I meet milestones. Maybe one day I will post my photo history but right now I am more concerned at working on myself then glamorizing myself. Peace be with you my Ana friends. I pray for you all.