i don't really know how to start, i never really openly talked about it until a friend confided in me to talk about how she may think she has a problem, she came to me bc she said she saw signs that i might and thought that i had struggled through anorexia bc i show a lot of the symptoms as well. I already knew since last yr that i have or had some sort of a problem with eating, i knew when i was in the hospitol, after going from 110 to 97, i lost a lot of weight, i was always feeling sick, i have a lot of the physical symptoms most of all, tired all the time, low blood circulation, if i was in the breeze of a nice day my hands and arms would turn purplish, sometimes my legs would turn a bluish color, but i kinda told myself it's just bc i'm tiny and skinny and have bad blood circulation bc it runs in my family. But then i started feeling other things as well, right now my body mass index is only at 17.2, i just realized i was underweight according to that, i never knew, after i lost all that weight from when i was sick, which turned out to be a stomache infection, i never gained it back, even if i tried, and i did, it was so hard for some reason they told me to eat 6 small meals a day, it was so hard considering before that and since elementary school i didn't eat breakfast or lunch, only dinner and a snack after school, although when i was younger in the summer i was forced to eat lunch, though i was never hungry. I didn't think i had anorexia bc i wasn't purposely forcing myself to not eat, i was pretty ok with my body and my weight, the only thing i didn't like was my legs, i wasn't putting myself on a diet, i was simply never hungry, when i was depressed i would feel sick during eating or before eating so sometimes i would only eat half my dinner, but i thought if my weight stayed around 95 i was fine. After being in the hospitol, and the first sign of losing the weight, along with before that my family always picking on me bc they say i don't eat enough, it would get me upset and it would always end in a argument, i kept telling myself i ate healthy, i guess now eating a bag or two of small chips at lunch and then dinner isn't really healthy, but it's a improvement. I can't sleep at night, but i can sleep during the day and take naps perfectly fine, i'm tired a lot of the time, along with the circulation sometimes my legs would go out on me if i sat for a long period of time, whenever i get up i feel dizzy no matter what, i always had dry skin, but lately ever since a few yrs ago my hair hasn't been completely falling out, but even when i blow dry it, i get hair all over the sink, i';ve tried everything to make my hair healthier, my bones pop and creak all the time, my hip clicks sometimes when i'm just walking. i'm not sure if i have anorexia because i don't really have the psychological symptoms, sure i had a dream once that i was staring in the mirror at my legs and they were fat, after that i got a tad bit worried but just shrugged it off, as i said before i never really went on a diet or anything, i'm pretty content with my life right now, actually i'm the girl who always helps others and gives advice, i'm going to college next yr to be a art therapist and a teacher, i want to help people but right now i feel like something may be wrong with me as well. I was extremely depressed 2 yrs ago, i have a bad family history dealing with family members and addictions that has affected me although i;ve never tried any substance or self mutilation. I never knew all this about anorexia until my friend came to talk to me, it opened my eyes up a bit and now i'm becoming worried, i didn't know my body mass index was that low, i didn't know basically all of what i feel everyday are symptoms of it, i didn't know you didn't have to diet and starve yourself to be considered anorexic, i think i may be a anorexic. I think my mum knows as well bc talk about me going to college and everything, i thought she was joking but she said she would call me to remind me to eat, because sometimes i forget, and she frequently tells me i have to eat in college and be healthy. i'm worried myself if i'll go back tot he way i was before, i'm worried if i'm on the path to right now. i can't believe i didn't see i had some sort of a problem, i only noticed when i looked at a pic of myself a few months after the hospitol, i was so skinny, i was discusted with myself that i didn't even notice what i had done to myself, i feel ashamed that i can't eat 3 meals a day when ppl in the world are starving and homeless and hungry, i feel stupid that i didn't realize i started this as a kid when i would hide my lunch sandwiches around the house and pretend i ate them, or sometimes even now when someone asks me if i ate and i say yes when i didn't, or say i'll eat later when they eat bc i can't eat in front of someone else who's not eating. I'm not as bad as i was last yr, but now i'm worried that i may get to that point, i feel like if i talked to my mum about it that i'd feel stupid for thinking i have a problem if it turns out i don't, i'm not sure what to do, i was considering when i go off to college to see if i can use the free counseling they have within the college, i just, i don't know what to do, i don't know if i completely am anorexic or might be, i'm only 17 so i can't talk to a doctor within my parents finding out, i just don't know what to do, if anyone can give me some kind of guidance, i'd be extremely thankful, because not only am i trying to find out about myself but also my friend too. Thank you.
Written on May 27th, 2009