This Is How I Became A Loser/failure.Before I go into my story, let us get one thing out of the way... I'm on the wrong side of forty. Yes, at this age I thought I'd have it all figured out or at least be content with the life I made for myself. Truly, I always thought some type of entity would wave a magic wand over my head and I would magically get whatever I hoped or wished. Well, I've finally realized late last year that's not going to happen. Since I was a youngster my ultimate dream was to be in the entertainment field. Since I could not sing or dance, I thought I was cute enough to be an actress/model. I was envious of the kids on "Sesame Street". I wanted to be there, too. I was naive enough to think making a living out of acting was relatively easy, I thought, "Hey. An awful lot of people say I'm cute, attractive and I receive a lot of attention from the boys in school and lot of scowls from the girls, so I must be pretty enough." I researched, read books and trade newspapers. Tried out for my high school drama class, only to be given small roles if any at all. As soon as I graduated, I took classes, went on some go no-where auditions and got a lot of rejection. After enduring negative comments from family, I decided to take my mother's advice and learn to type and work with computers. That was the start of my miserable “career” as an administrative assistant for various industries. I just took jobs for the money and tried to get an acting career going in the evenings and weekends. Well, not many legit, paying acting jobs audition actors at those mentioned times. When I did do a play or showcase I usually received good reviews from audience members, peers and producers, but not the real power people who could make things happen.
Once a producer/agent told me that although I was cute, I wasn’t beautiful and since I wasn’t a triple threat (singer, dancer and actress) I was in for a hard time. He was right, for I was always broke trying to keep up with headshots, classes and living expenses. At the time I lived with my grandmother, but when she died I was 26 years old the rent was not my responsibility, so on a friend’s recommendation I was hired as a receptionist for a TV sitcom. I hated it. The long hours, but I liked being around the action of a TV studio, the employed actors and the perks. Oh, but how I longed to be in front of the camera. Since that was no longer a possibility, I tried my hand at script writing. I sucked at that as well. So now I go from television production job to production job with months of unemployment between gigs only to now be bankrupt and only being hired for gigs at the last possible moment, like when I have less then $100 in the bank. I like having a paycheck, but I long to be an actress, I know that realistically my age is not an hindrance, and don’t say it isn’t for every Kim Cattrall there are scores of over 40 actresses with a lot more experience then I have not getting work. I haven’t been consistent and I don’t know anyone who could hire me. If I were to try and start now it would probably take ten years before I could make a living then I would only be able to audition for old lady roles. Now, I haven’t any money in the bank, I can’t afford anything. I live in the same apartment I grew up in and now I’m worried I will not have any money to retire in thirty years. I’m searching for the next production assistant job, but now I’m competing with twentysomething year olds. Also, most of the people who started in the business with me are now either producers or writers working in Hollywood. Unfortunately, most of the relationships I chose nurture are not in any position to hire me. I’m sick of spending all my time behind a desk watching other people so what I’d love to do. The only thing giving me hope is my writing. I write screenplay, shorts and am trying to be more productive in filmmaking, but again, that doesn’t make money unless you are only of the lucky few. Between gigs I’ve done some other things to make a living, but I’m not interested in doing that any longer. As for my love life that is another story. I’m single, never married, no children. I have a boyfriend, but lately he’s been complaining about my “career” and why it’s not steady for me, but seems to be for some of my colleagues? I’m in a tight bind now and don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent. I cannot ask my boyfriend because he has his own bills to pay and I am too proud to ask him anyway. Now I just stay home isolated, I don’t answer the phone, I refuse invitation because I don’t have the money. Twenty years ago, if anyone told me I would be living like this in my forties I would have be insulted. Thanks for letting me vent.