Whats My Problem?
I'm 27 years old, and everyday I want to kill myself. I'm sitting here trying to think of how to explain this is some sort of way that doesnt sound stupid but I cant. So I'll jsut say it like that. I'm that guy that you work with, you dont even know I exsists. The people who do know me, want nothing to do with me, I'm that friend you never invite to the bar, then you sit around and mock for being such a loser (that's if I had any friends). My family has all but disowned me, called me worthless constantly growing up, but I really can see where they were coming from, because so far they've been right. I have a duaghter that barely knows I'm alive, I had to fight for 2 years to just to see her at all, and now I'm her "other" daddy.... My girlfriend is the only reason I'm not living in a homeless shelter (I have a job it just doesnt pay ****), and any higher paying job I get I end up leaving for one reason or another (aka getting fired, asked nicely to quit, laid off). I got 2 absest teeth, a stomach ulser, and I've had 3 kidney stones in the past 4 years... I'm 27...
I got some idenity issues as well, but I dont really wanna go into detail here. But my own shrink started avoiding me, and not returning my calls 2 years ago, so I've been having troubles as late.
Now I know people out there got it worse, I've had it worse before... but recently I have been overly depressed, thinking about suicide everyday. I feel more and more isolated, and I have this urdge to cut myself off from any kind of social contact. I dont goto the mall anymore, I dont go out. Not that I'd have anywhere to go... I pretty much stay on the computer every moment I get to try and escape reality... I dont even know what I'm saying..
I dont even know if I should be sharing this, most people seeing this are prolly rooting for me to do it just because I'm so pathetic, I cant even deal with my own ****, I have to spill my guts on the internet because I cant deal anymore. It's not like my family ever cared, or my friends, hell my girlfriend would be way better off if I wasnt around... she tells me I pay my own way, but I know the truth, I just dont make enough money, she prolly covers about 20-25% of my cost of living. I feel so useless... so confused... should I be happy because my life isnt as bad as it used to be, that I actually have a job and a girl friend and a roof over my head... but I'm invisible, people walk right through me, and when they do notice me, they hate me, they laugh at me when I walk by, they ignore me like I dont even exsist when I speak.. And when they do listen they tell me how stupid I am.. I say words backwards, and I stutter way too much. And as you can prolly tell from this whole thing here, I dont know the first thing about spelling, or grammar, or how to express myself with words... I'm sorry I wasted your time with my stupidity. I really wont killmyself, I dont want to do the people who hate me any favors.