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Whats My Problem?

I'm 27 years old, and everyday I want to kill myself. I'm sitting here trying to think of how to explain this is some sort of way that doesnt sound stupid but I cant. So I'll jsut say it like that. I'm that guy that you work with, you dont even know I exsists. The people who do know me, want nothing to do with me, I'm that friend you never invite to the bar, then you sit around and mock for being such a loser (that's if I had any friends). My family has all but disowned me, called me worthless constantly growing up, but I really can see where they were coming from, because so far they've been right. I have a duaghter that barely knows I'm alive, I had to fight for 2 years to just to see her at all, and now I'm her "other" daddy.... My girlfriend is the only reason I'm not living in a homeless shelter (I have a job it just doesnt pay ****), and any higher paying job I get I end up leaving for one reason or another (aka getting fired, asked nicely to quit, laid off). I got 2 absest teeth, a stomach ulser, and I've had 3 kidney stones in the past 4 years... I'm 27...

I got some idenity issues as well, but I dont really wanna go into detail here. But my own shrink started avoiding me, and not returning my calls 2 years ago, so I've been having troubles as late.

Now I know people out there got it worse, I've had it worse before... but recently I have been overly depressed, thinking about suicide everyday. I feel more and more isolated, and I have this urdge to cut myself off from any kind of social contact. I dont goto the mall anymore, I dont go out. Not that I'd have anywhere to go... I pretty much stay on the computer every moment I get to try and escape reality... I dont even know what I'm saying..

I dont even know if I should be sharing this,  most people seeing this are prolly rooting for me to do it just because I'm so pathetic, I cant even deal with my own ****, I have to spill my guts on the internet because I cant deal anymore. It's not like my family ever cared, or my friends, hell my girlfriend would be way better off if I wasnt around... she tells me I pay my own way, but I know the truth, I just dont make enough money, she prolly covers about 20-25% of my cost of living. I feel so useless... so confused... should I be happy because my life isnt as bad as it used to be, that I actually have a job and a girl friend and a roof over my head... but I'm invisible, people walk right through me, and when they do notice me, they hate me, they laugh at me when I walk by, they ignore me like I dont even exsist when I speak.. And when they do listen they tell me how stupid I am.. I say words backwards, and I stutter way too much. And as you can prolly tell from this whole thing here, I dont know the first thing about spelling, or grammar, or how to express myself with words... I'm sorry I wasted your time with my stupidity. I really wont killmyself, I dont want to do the people who hate me any favors.

BigLoner BigLoner 26-30 4 Responses May 27, 2008

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Hi Big Loner, I know that this is a 2 year old blog, but I am worried that you may do something drastic. I am so sad that you feel this way. God doesn't make losers. I think if you did not get love and assurance from your parents, this is why you feel the way you do now. Try to find another shrink that will listen to you and help you. Take care of yourself!!!!

YOUR WHAT THEY CALL PASSIVE SUBMISSIVE YOU GOTTA STOP LOOKING FOR OTHERS TO HELP YOU AND HELP YOUR SELF STOP WAITING FOR **** TO HAPPEN DO SOME THING ..TAKE UP BOXING OR SOME MARITAL ARTS FOR CONFIDENCE AND HEALTH YOU WILL ALSO MEET NEW PEOPLE WHO YOU HAVE NO HISTORY WITH....BOXING WILL REVEAL YOUR TRUE CHARACTER IN JUST THE TRAINING AND IF THERES ANY THING THERE OTHERS WILL SEE IT TOO

The only reason i search for this writings is because i feel the same as you are... but i am younger and only have a few experience. But I feel like i am a loser too. I feel like i am a fredo, the stupid son of Godfather. Because my dad is really a brave man. And my brother is so multi-talented. But not me... And right know i am so scared because a person that i hate is about to come to my house, and i feel so distressed because of my anti-social behavior.

Way too much low self-esteem here, buddy boy! That, for one point, is probably WHY people don't treat you well. It's too easy to take advantage of. But I don't know the first thing about HOW to gain it. And I'm not gonna try. HOWEVER, one thing I DID notice in your post was the mention of studdering and saying things backward. Is this a result of nervousness, or have you had this all along? THe reason I ask: Have you considered you might have medical issues such as dyslexia, ADD/ADHD, or verbal/comprehension skills that were never addressed or delt with as a child or adult? Sometimes, when these issues are discovered and addressed it can go a LONG way in recovery for MANY aspects of a person's life. ..... just a thought. :)