They're Everywhere!

I have spies all around my house.  I know they’re always out there, just outside my windows, behind the bushes and in the trees, even looking in my windows at times.  I’ve complained to my husband about this, but he seems unfazed by it all and acts like I’m making a big deal out of a nonexistent threat.  I am not crazy.  I am not overreacting.  And it creeps me out.   

I have no privacy here.  I can see them looking at me, their beady little eyes staring me down, not moving.  I am usually able to ignore them, but sometimes I just can’t take it anymore.   I’ll scream “Get out of here!“ and throw things their way to let them know I’m on to them.  They scurry away and hide, the little cowards.   I’m certain they hold clandestine meetings to discuss secret ops maneuvers to further their relentless quest to drive me mad.  

This has been happening most of my adult life, but it has gotten much more serious in our current house.  They play mind games with me.  I have found all kinds of evidence of their presence: small yard ornaments overturned, bags of bird feed spread all over the garage floor, and feeders dragged and moved around the yard.  I know they’ve had all kinds of parties on the back deck when I’m gone or late at night when I’m sleeping.   They’re downright rude and destructive.  I haven’t found evidence of alcohol use yet, but I know if I left some out they’d help themselves to that, too.   

I noticed today they are out in full force.  Well, guess what.  No more!  This is war.  Bring ‘em on.  

Damned squirrels.


Myonis108 Myonis108
56-60, F
46 Responses Feb 26, 2009

Sounds like you need a gun 'case'. I just love the image for the avatar of this group. Yes, they have little spy cameras to document your activities. They secretly work for the gov't to keep you constantly irritated so you'll continue to visit your doctor and drive up their tax dollars... LOL <br />
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Squirrels are rodents. So you're right, rats with bushy tails that live in trees rather than inside of walls.

we are starting to get a pretty powerful group together to go after them between the ACLU and the ASPCA as well as my flamethrowers we should be able to nip this problem in the bud fairly quickly

Or the ASPCA! Dog baiting is definitely criminal. I think human baiting is even worse since I'm the target of their heinous crimes.

hmmm i wonder if that qualifies as a hate crime its definitely assault might have to get the ACLU involved in this

Their is a gang here that run around on our privacy fence...constantly watching for us to let our dogs out (which is what they are waiting for)...then they sit there and throw nuts at the dogs and do anything they can to make the dogs bark...'dog baiting' is their favorite game...

ah ha! so the squirrels are racists too!!!! they don't like the white one

Squirrels racing around while trying to sleep is truly a nightmare. Your landlord must have been a real buffoon not to know what damage they can do. I have an image of them sliding down the rafters, yipping it up, partying all night long, like a bunch of rowdy frat boys. <br />
The only squirrel I have any affection for is my white one, Annie. She's always, always alone. =(

I strive for hilarious. =) Thanks for the comment, banana, and welcome to EP!

You are hilarious.<br />
I thought it was something else until i scrolled down.<br />
Kudos to you.<br />

Are squirrels spying on you? Cripes, you're in the water, even! See? They're everywhere, I tell you!

Holy crap! I thought it was just me!!!!


I told my kids the mushrooms in our yard were gnome homes. Gee, Mello, gnomes are sweet little folk. I would never assault a gnome home with a flamethrower. The squirrels look like giant monstrous rats to them. Have some compassion!

Lilt, I like your neighbor a lot. and d10, you can come over and spend time with my swarms of squirrels who chew my deck, burrow in the gardens, dig up my planters, and disrupt my already precarious state of mind. You can cage every last d@mn one of them up and set them free in your city to pilfer the peanuts, and when the numbers are large enough they'll be able to take on the rots and pit bulls. See? Now we even have a plan. A Squirrel Meister, a neighbor with a gun and a tally, an EPeep with a flamethrower, and a kind soul with cages. Peace is at hand.

LOL!!!!!!!!!! That was GREAT! Thanks for the chuckle!!! :-)

I have never seen a squirrel but they sound pesky for their cuteness. :P

they want to destroy our way of life.....

My neighbor just shoots them out of his bedroom window. He keeps a tally of his hits on the fridge.

You are all so smart. Now we're joining forces here in a spirit of cooperation. Once we take care of the squirrels and their co-conspirator shrinks, peace will come at last.

and then the psych's send the money to the squirrels to fund their terrorist activities!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!!! I KNEW IT!!!

Bob, thank you so much. Call them off immediately. They are terrorists, I tell you. Rick, get busy. We're gonna need a bigger flamethrower.

and they said i was crazy when they took my flamethrower away.....maybe the psychiatrists are under the thrall of the squirrels too.......

you can kill as many as you want and they will continue to multiply and continue to grow their forces are legion and cannot be defeated. i think they are communist trained spies (or worse Clinton trained spies LOL)

Fine. But just for a moment! I will admit that story is cute, but my question is why were they in your hand? That cuteness will turn into obnoxiousness and then they multiply! After that the selfish mother asks you to babysit. It's frightening, really.

Fine. But just for a moment! I will admit that story is cute, but my question is why were they in your hand? That cuteness will turn into obnoxiousness and then they multiply! After that the selfish mother asks you to babysit. It's frightening, really.

You have it bad, Pedro, very bad. What's funny is I do name them! Ace, Bandit, Bubba, Stretch... Annie is an albino squirrel named after one of my daughter's friends who's albino. I've tried very hard to embrace this awful creature and all the havoc it creates, but the bottom line is... I hate them. *sigh*

I am so glad to have lured all of you into my espionage games. I am nutty as a squirrel and just as obnoxious.<br />
lunar, it appears that you are catching on to the EP thing. It takes some practice and if you get addicted you'll be adept as a junkie in getting the fix fast. Keep the nutty humor. You'll need it here!

CP, she's sneaky like that...

OK, OK, I think I understand now. The squirrels did take my comment, but returned it b/c it wasn't nutty enough for them. I be new here and not too swift sometimes. nevermind!

I am so confused! I wrote a comment that I thought was in the same vein as the story this afternoon, but it seems to have just disappeared. I'm kind of new, but this confuses me. My Review showed it, but now it's gone. I think maybe the squirrels thought it was just too nutty and took it. I hope.

Great, great puns! I love puns! <br />
I tried the spa thing. I actually set out a corn cob feeder and treats way back away from my feeders trying to appease them and get them far away. They ripped it apart and dragged it down to the creek, then proceeded back to reek havoc on the bird feeders. Ungrateful rodents!<br />
I have a cat, but he thinks he's a dog. He's a ragdoll and they have the fight bred out of them, so he's worthless.

At first I thought you were just parnoid,Myonis, then I realized they are out to get you. It's b/c you are blowing their cover and ruining their rep on the street as adorable.You are in for now. You might could appease the Great Squirrel Above by making offerings of pistachios and macadamias, but birdseed won't be enough to save you if they call for Guido and put price on your head. You could try turning that birdbath into a Squirrel Spa to get on their good side. Remember they are true Nutcases! Reason doesn't register in those tiny little brains. They are hard shelled. Good luck. Got any Guardian Cats around? You need some muscle, girl.

Thanks for commenting, kwall. I'm glad this made you laugh.<br />
wiseowl, you really do need to brush your teeth.<br />
I worked with a teacher who shared a photo of her redneck relatives wearing squirrel vests. I think they felt the same way I did about them.

They are very tasty.

Did you guys know that a owl is the only animal that will eat a skunk? :-)

yeah and people eat them!! UGH..Imagine squirrel stew?I just could not choose to eat a squirrel..must brush teeth now..blah

Yes, mewold, we are. Are you the one feeding them in my back yard?<br />
wiseowl, I do have such respect for you, but no, they are NOT cute. They are rats with furry tails who break pots and destroy pretty plants. Nothing more.

they're cute but destructive wee critters, for sure. They dug in my potted plants..broke the pots and tried to bury their acorns inside! Keep your nuts where they belong! You know what nuts I'm referring to ..fur ball bandits.

Are you talking about those wonderful furry little creatures with the fluffy tails who will come and take food right out of your hand if you will lie quietly with your hand outstreached? Are THOSE the little bastards you are talking about??????

Furry tailed rat bastards is what they are!

They're pretty bad around here this year, too. I have a heated birdbath in my back yard that is pretty light, and at least three times a week they come through here like a tribe of marauding Huns and knock it over, the little bastards.

I'm not kidding! They're everywhere! I think all they did was copulate over the winter. They even chewed up my neighbor's wood garage door one year. They're just rats with furry tails.

Hahahahahahahahaha! It's a vast rodent conspiracy!

I once had a squirrel take the head off of one of my GIANT sunflowers (like 7 feet tall!!) and drag it across the road! Sneaky little devils.....

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go get em girl!