My Life Is Torture

So the sexual abuse case against my dad is still continuing. It is still a waiting game with his medical reports because he is basically claiming that he is mentally ill which is a load of bullsh!t. I'm hoping that they've found nothing wrong with him because it's obvious he's making it all up to drag this on further. I just hope they realise that. I just want it over with, I cannot bare this anymore. I really can't. I'm really not OK. I don't even want to be here anymore. I've had enough with all this pain and suffering and I am just so temped to overdose. I just can't take it anymore. Why doesn't my mom love me? Why hasn't she ever loved me? What have I ever done wrong for her to be a complete b!tch to me? What did I ever do to deserve what my dad did to me? I know I am a pretty horrible person but no one deserves that right? I've had enough. I'm getting no help and I just cannot deal with this on my own. I cannot deal with the wait anymore. It's too tense, I know my dad will get away with it because he has the whole system wrapped round his little finger and he is playing everyone like a harp and everyone is letting him. I PROMISE, if he gets away with this, if I have gone through all this suffering for him just to walk away and live the rest of his life all happy, I will no longer be here. I cannot stand the thought of him living a free life when I am trapped in my own torture and darkness that was caused by him. Why does he get to be happy when he is an evil son of a b!tch and I get to suffer all the time. I can't stand this anymore. I don't even want to be here anymore. I can't STAND it. I hate this world and I hate the evil in it.

I really need help because I really can't take it anymore. I can't leave the house without feeling my anxiety. I just want to get drunk all the time but cannot afford to. I am just trapped within the four walls in my bedroom. I can't concentrate on my revision anymore, I completely lack the motivation in my life. I lack the motivation to live. I just cannot do this anymore. Why should I live to suffer eternally while my parents walk free and happy. It just ain't happening.

Sorry for ranting, I've just had enough of waiting. I don't know how much longer I can wait before I really do top myself. Seriously, I am fighting with myself everyday not to top myself. It's so easy isn't it? Just taking a load of pills and drifting off to sleep. It is just so temping. Death seems so much better than this waiting game. I am suffering more and more everyday. No one understands. The whole of my dads family doesn't understand. I don't want to be a part of that family anymore.

I really hope they do everything to speed things up because all of this is torturing me :'(
BeautyOfSuffering BeautyOfSuffering
26-30, F
2 Responses May 14, 2012

nobody else replied? i hope you are okay.

Listen, you shouldn't think this way. Sure, you feel alone, but your NEVER alone. God is always there,holding your hand. What ever your dad is doing to you, is terrible. But these are challenges to make you stronger. Yes, the pills are tempting, but when you wrote this you were reaching out for help. You don't REALLY want to do it, you just want to get rid of the torture. The only way to actually do that, is to tell some one besides family, like a school teacher or something. I hope that I helped you, I really don't want you hurting yourself.

Hey, yeah you're right, I was just reaching out. I'm feeling ok at the moment. Thank you for you lovely comment :)

No problem, I'm glad to help (: