Hang On Its Gunna Be a Bumpy Ride!

who would have thought? i mean i am normal right? everone else is weird, and i am simply normal...its normal to go from the queen of the world to deep in the depth of depression in a matter of .2 seconds, thats normal.. right?

well i guess i was wrong. Its was gettin worse. i was angry for no reason, giving up on trying to control my emotions, quicly realizing the desire to hurt other people and self inflict pain unto my self. I was spinning so fast in so many different directions, emotional roller coaster does not even begin to explain it. I was fallin into a major depression and i was falling fast.

but why? I have everything goin for me, i have amazing things goin on in my life. I have a wonderful family who have helped and supported me in so many different ways and its growing quickly as well 2 neices in the last 2 years. I am seeing this amazing man who i can not get enough of, i love him. he loves me too, and that right there should give me all the reasons in the world to be happy. But why cant i get off this plumiting emotional downward sprial i have found myself uncomfortably latched to?

how does one get herself off such a train wreck with out bringing everyone around her down as well?  my first attempt at an answer is  LITHIUM- perscribed to me for bi-polar disorder about 2 weeks ago.. today was the first day in forever that i woke up in a good mood. it was rather surprising really, but a very welcomed one thats for sure! i have also started working on a online journal type thing... i am trying to do everything i can so i can enjoy this life that i only get to live once...


i was wondering what other people go through with their bi-polar dissorder... guess i just dont want to feel so alone.. its a personal battle, and i know i am the only one who can fight it, but havin the knowlage that other people feel the same ways as me might make it a lil easier to deal with! 


-always at the top of the wheel of confidence or at the bottom of an intense depression.

caspelletier caspelletier
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 18, 2009

Like yourself, I am bi polar. Unlike yourself I always knew I wasnt "normal" and forever felt a detached strange happiness in my pull-away-seperation from society. I not only came to embrace the black sheep within but needed to openly live it, embody it and wear it as a badge of honour on my forever-healing-self-mutilated body.

In mania I am an ethereal goddess who is greater than god. In depression, I am a fallen angel with clipped, pinned wings...a tortured, abysmal, wretched, worthless prisoner of self.

My triggers are typically ANYTHING that doesnt go MY WAY, which I eventually accept but not before hours of animalistic howling tears and self injury via barely-controlled-manic cutting, pinching, punching, rope binding, starvation, over exercise, loud music or morbid pitiful writing have come to pass.

I must invite the storm before I welcome the tranquility.
Somewhat sadly...I am both.