"i Only Make Jokes To Distract Myself From The Truth..."

I am bi. There... I said it. It's not something easily admitted when you've tried for so long to tell yourself that you're not. But let's be honest, I've always known.

3.5 years ago, I met Joe (obviously not his real name). He came barreling into my life from way out in left field. I instantly loved everything about him. I loved his extremely high spirits, his positive outlook on EVERYTHING, his looks, and that he instantly loved everything about me too. He was an all around good guy. He pulled me out of the downward spiral that was currently my life and reassured me that everything would be okay. Forever.

2 months into the relationship we moved in together and for the next 3 years we would make more memories and have more fun that I'd ever thought possible. On my birthday a year after we met, he proposed and I accepted, enthusiastically. There was only one thing that he couldn't relate to me on... that I liked girls too. I'd tried telling him but he just couldn't understand why. He thought that if we just didn't talk about it, it would eventually disappear. It never did.

Eventually I started to resent Joe for all the things I was supressing within myself. Part of me wanted to marry him and just forget that this feeling was inside me, gnawing at my conscience every minute of every day. The other part of me knew that it couldn't remain dormant forever and that at some point, it WOULD rear its head with or without my approval.

For 3 years I let this internal battle go on. I couldn't bare the thought of hurting Joe even if it meant I was hurting myself. It's a punishment I deserved to endure, I always told myself. Who would want to reject love that not even a Hallmark card could begin to describe? Just for a feeling? No, never.

About 6 months ago, Joe got an offer from a friend in a major city nearby for a job opening that could offer great pay. We hated the jobs we were currently working and decided that while we were young and didn't have any dependants, we would go for it. We quit our jobs and moved to the city in search of a different life. He started his job and I started working from home. Unfortunately, the person who offered him the job neglected to tell him about all the finer details of what it would COST Joe to start this job, and we quickly sank into debt. This put a strain on our relationship, and with him working long hours I was left at home alone to think about the pros and cons of "just doing it."

One night I had a little too much to drink, but just enough to build up the courage to say what I'd needed to say to Joe for so long... What he deserved to know. I let him know that I loved him more than the single breath I was given and that there is no other male on the planet better suited for me. I also had to tell him that no matter how hard I'd tried, I couldn't wipe out the desire to be with women. I needed to work on myself for a little while and if I was unsure about our relationship, then I shouldn't waste his time. I didn't think I was gay... but I knew Joe couldn't satisfy me in the ways I needed. He'd never been able to, no matter how hard we both tried. He didn't deserve to have a girlfriend that cries when they have sex. No one deserves that. I wanted him to be happy and I also wanted inner peace.

We moved back home and in with our parents and it has been rough. I mean, ROUGH. I was in the fetal position for days just missing Joe and all the love I had just turned away. I wanted nothing more than to call him and feel his arms around me again. I wanted everything to be okay again. Eventually I had to get up and realize that I shouldn't rely on Joe to give me that security. I should only rely on myself, and that is just want my new journey is becoming...

I still see Joe once or twice a week. Luckily, we've remained great friends. We still don't talk about my sexuality and we probably never will. It will hurt like ten hells to see Joe love another girl, but he deserves to receive all the love he gives in every aspect.

The next step in my life is to be honest with my family... They're very set in their deep southern beliefs, so this should prove to be eventful. But, if they love me (which they do, very much), that will prevail. I just have to keep hoping for the best and working toward accepting myself before I can expect anyone else to.
Springsnow07 Springsnow07
22-25, F
3 Responses Aug 11, 2010

Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate your comment and it's nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one out there who goes through hard things... It helps me in dealing with them.

Thanks for sharing that story. We all need to discover who we really are, or who we want to be with. Thats the jurney of life. We only live once so we mite as well be happy and do what feels rite.

Thanks for sharing that story. We all need to discover who we really are, or who we want to be with. Thats the jurney of life. We only live once so we mite as well be happy and do what feels rite.