Me And My Bisexuality

It wasn't supposed to be this way.
According to my parents this is how my life should be right now...
I'm supposed to be a good little mormon girl. Supposed to pay my tithing and go church. I should be attending relief society and going visiting teaching. I should be horrified at the thought of so much as showing my shoulders in public and think that tattoos are disgusting and piercings are gross. I should be uptight and judgmental and hypocritical. 'Darn' should be a curse word to my ears and an 'oh my god' should offend me deeply. I should be getting engaged to a return missionary, getting married in the temple, having five kids, being a stay at home mom.
I shouldn't be attracted to girls.
I remember the first time I became consciously aware of my attraction to girls. I was 13 years old and one night I had a dream that I was making out with one of my best friends, Jessica. I realized that I liked that dream. That I really did want to kiss her. She was adorable. With hair so blond it was kind of silvery, a color that's pretty rare. Her eyes were bright blue, she had a beautiful sunshine smile, and I liked her. A lot.
My parents were very strict and very mormon. I'd never heard anything really about homosexuality in my home and especially not bisexuality. I remembered though when my parents had voted against same sex marriage and how disgusted they'd seemed by the idea. So the fact that I had a crush on a girl scared me a bit. But mostly it confused me. Because I really really like Ben Culler. And I couldn't be gay if I liked boys right? I had never heard of bisexuality ever so I didn't think such a thing could even exist. Either I liked boys which was 'right' and 'normal' or I liked girls which was 'disgusting' and 'wrong' and 'evil'. I thought that my feelings would go away.
As my teenage years passed by I fell into depression. My attraction to girls wasn't going away and it terrified me. I hated myself. I thought I was disgusting. My feelings and urges were repulsive and I couldn't understand why I felt that way. I told nobody and I never planned to. I buried my feeling as deep down as possible. I became as mormon as possible. I frantically threw myself into religious activities trying so hard to find a way to make up for being so disgusting and attracted to girls. I hated myself so very much. I wanted to kill myself several times. My bisexuality was so horrific to me that I didn't even dare acknowledge it in my secret locked diary. I feverishly hoped that if I ignored it I could make it go away.
Then I met Hannah*. I started watching anime and saw a lot of the open mindedness in a lot of the shows. I began to realize that there were some people out there who didn't think homosexuality was a filthy sin. There were people who thought it was ok. People who supported it. Seeing how open minded Hannah was I began to realize how much more love it showed to accept homosexuality than to look down on it. I slowly began to see all of the flaws of the mormon church.
I was 18 when I finally accepted myself for who I was. I was bisexual and it wasn't a bad thing. I didn't have to hate myself. I didn't have to feel so miserable and horrible that I wanted to die. It was ok.
Telling my friends was a terrifying experience. I told the ones that I knew would accept it first. Even telling them scared me to death. Hannah, Tyler*, Amanda*, and Kristin*. They were the first people I ever admitted my sexuality to. And they accepted me. In fact, Hannah being my best friend had already figured it out.
Despite having my friends know I still kept it hush hush. Not because I was ashamed but because I didn't want my parents to know. I didn't want to deal with their reactions. Unfortunately for me they've always been snoopy and have no regard for privacy. They went through my things and read my text messages. They found out the truth. Then they kicked me out. Living with my parents was hateful and miserable even before they knew. So in a way I was happy to leave.
In a moment of absolute despair I realized that I hated them. I hated my parents for hurting me so much and being so terribly hateful.
It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. With slamming doors and so many tears. I wasn't supposed to be so utterly distanced from my family. But now when my little sisters look at me the rare times I see them it's like they see me as a stranger. And my parents still see me as a devil child who's fallen into a dark, destructive life.
I can honestly say I have never tried any sort of drugs or touched so much as a drop of alcohol. I'm not a mean person. I try so hard to be good. But they don't see that.
When they look at me all they see is that I don't attend church and consider myself agnostic. All they see are the extra piercings in my ear and the three small tattoos. All they see is a girl who's attracted to other girls. A disgusting, inhuman, unnatural, monster.
And it hurts.
My father told me that I wasn't born this way. That I had to choose to be bisexual. But I don't understand how he could say that. Why would I choose to feel something that made me hate myself for so long? Why would I choose to feel something that made my family so hateful towards me? I didn't choose this. But at least I've accepted it. At least now I realized that it doesn't matter what people say. Love isn't wrong just because it's someone of the same gender as me. Love is love. It's something pure and good and I wont ever let someone tell me that my love is disgusting ever again.
Having him say that to me hurt but the worst thing was when my dad told me that he didn't even know who I was anymore and that I wasn't his daughter. That I couldn't be. When he and my mom sat me down and told me that my attraction to girls was a filthy sin that was bringing the devil's spirit into their home and that they didn't want me there anymore because I was poisoning the entire house with my evil homosexual spirit.
So I left. I went through a hard time. I tried to be attracted to only guys and in desperation gave up my virginity to an ******* that I wish I'd never met. I made mistakes. I was desperate and pathetic. I lost a lot of friends.
Now that I look back I wish I could have changed the way I was. I see my mistakes now. They're the reason so many people I was once close to have shoved me out of their lives. But I'm happy with who I am now. I changed and I got over my messed up outlook on things.
I'm bisexual. That's ok. I don't have to force a relationship with a guy I don't like simply because he's a male. I need to take time to form a real relationship. It might be with a guy and it might be with a girl. I don't know. But what happens is what happens. Life goes on.
It's really hard to find interested girls in Utah or guys that accept that I'm bi so I'm single and lonely a lot but I hope that someday I can find someone special who can accept me for who I am and love me.
*names changed
AngelWings19 AngelWings19
18-21, F
23 Responses Dec 2, 2012

Well, if you study some psychology, will find out that about 80% of people are somewhat bisexual, is one of most hide tries. So you are normal, and, as others, can choose to act heterosexual or face the world as bi...

I've lived here (Utah) for a little over 9 years ... I have never seen so many children kicked out... Disowned... Flat out had their parents turn their backs on them because they didn't fit the molly mormon mold. It's a damn shame how many “parents" could discard their precious children. I know this is 2 years old almost but I am hoping you're still out there! You're a beautiful soul! I am sorry to read such hurtful things from your dad... But I am glad you have accepted yourself! That's all that really matters!

Its a hard thing to di to break a life time of orogramkng.I had to do it when I rezed I like male and females transgender ppl and all others as well. Each time I was with the same sex I felt so guilty and ashamed.then over time as I grew emotionally amd accepted myself the guilt and shame went away.and it will for you too.I promise.ur very brave to posy ur inner most feelings. You are a hero.

You made a good honorable choice, I applaud you

I'm bisexual, a lot of people are too, don't worry you are never alone :)

I know a few bi girls in Utah

please don't ever think u made the wrong choice to be true to urself rather than forcing a lifestyle that was making u acceptable on the surface but was killing u inside. it looks like ur parent's care more about following a strict standard than knowing who there daughter really is. i won't lie & say it might be big news, big enough to come as a shock for ne1 no matter how openminded u are. so there might be sometime untill it sinks in & every1 is ok with it. it doesn't look like ur parents will ever get to that point, so completely forget them. untill they make an honest effort to accept ur reality they should be completely dead to u. u should get to the point that u don't cry over loosing them or even ever think about them. they didn't love u so u owe them absolutely nothing. they do not exist. be happy that u are aware of who u are & be sure to love urself. it doesn't matter if u have chosen to like both guys & girls the fact is u do & that is perfectly ok & ur own business & maybe the business of ne1 ur with that's it. also remember that god loves u! whoever says homosexuality or bisexuality is evil & takes u away from god, there the evil ones. they choose to stick to fear & conformity that they have been taught rather than see love where it really is. fact is, such people have such a warped image of god they think he's some kinda mean person who's allways ready to strike u down for daring to do nething outside of some kinda norm. they think they can pass judgement on some1 & deny some1's access to god for being "different" in there eyes. keep on feeling like u have the right to be bisexual cause u most certainly do. all of us do, although i'm not saying every1 is, just that every1 should have the freedom to fall in love (or lust lol) with ne1 regardless of sex. it's not a big deal with god just be open to him & don't mind the haters who wanna twist god's word for evil purposes.

I'm so, so sorry.

You will get your perfect someone, from what I read your parents have closed small minds it's definitely their loss! you cant chose your parents or I would have fired my parents at about age 6! but you can choose who you want to be with and I hope you find someone who you feel is the other half of you.

Thank you! That is an amazing story. It really hit home for me even though my journey has not been nearly as traumatic at its lows. During the discovery of my sexual attractions and identity I felt the despair, confusion and fear, and experienced the self-mutilation of my self-worth that I sense in your story. I think the whole experience I had - from the first inklings of attraction in the second grade to losing my virginity (with both sexes) to realizing my feelings and attractions are undeniable, inescapable, and healthy - has been an amazing character building exercise. I like to think that I've become a stronger and better person and not just a closet egomaniac. [smirk] I have a lot of respect for you and the way you aren't letting your past bad experiences be an excuse for a bad attitude and bad behavior now. Thank you again for sharing.

Bummmmer man...stay strong

From all this pain you have gained something very important. You now know who you are.

Please for the love of God be very careful. Those people say they love you but they would destroy your life if you were to turn away from your faith. Guard these things in your heart until you are ready to leave the oppression. I witnessed a mormon come out of the closet one time. NOT COOL! My friend was homeless for a long time! My parents wouldn't let him stay here because they're super conservative too.

I don't have much to say. This is an amazing inspiring story. I'm Bisexual and I haven't gone through what you've gone through so I can't say I understand much or can relate to much, but this is amazing. Honestly I'm glad you found yourself and making your own choices. It made me feel sad when you talked about dying and hating yourself. I'm sorry your parents made you go through all these things. It's whatever now because you're on your own and you're doing you. I hope everything works out for you. I know you will find that special person. Good Luck :)

i love this story. it's very inspiring and touching. i am also bisexual but i didn't struggle with all of these problems when i told everyone. so i can't say i know how you feel. but you're who you are and no one can change you. stay strong hun. (:

Be yourself, however you want to be! :)

Wow AngelWings19 what a great story. Being bi is still difficult to explain even in 2013 Hopefully mankind will accept it more soon. Meanwhile I wish you a wonderfull and peacefull life.

BE Yourself... there is NO One Else just like YOU!
Learn to "Love Unconditionally" even IF you don't Get That In Return.
Nothing ELSE Matters (at all) in This Life!!
Love those who "despise" you... Pray for those who Betray You.
It's a Travesty that "Religion" keeps So Many from Truly Loving and Caring!
Never allow Anything to Diminish Your Faith In God,
The One Who Created You PERFECTLY...
just AS You are, BY Divine Design.
Only YOU can Fulfill HIS Purpose for YOUR Life!

This is the best story I have read so far. One of the most inspirational and up lifting. I'm sorry you had to go through the rought parts. I wish nothing but the best for you.

It's unfortunate the way things turned out with your family being so against you, but it honestly seems like you're much better off, you shouldn't have to hate yourself and conform because someone holds deluded hate for you, even if it's your parents. I'm glad you made it out of that hateful environment and were able to find out who you really are and accept yourself. Also, it surprises me that you mentioned having trouble finding guys that are okay with you being bi, for me personally (and I would think, most guys), it's a preference, I would love to have a girlfriend that can appreciate the beauty in women the same way I do.

Thanks everyone for your awesome comments :)

You are a gorgeous beautiful woman - embrace it and have fun!

I enjoyed reading this. I am bi and in the closet with almost everyone in my life. My parents are not religious but, i still have fear to tell them. I have only come out to one friend who is also bi.