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Another Pessimistic Story

At the age of 13-14 years old I started noticing that I was attracted to my girl friend. For example, when we were watching a movie I felt like kissing her. At that time I didn't understand my feelings and to be honest, I didn't want to understand them. So we were just friends. Then I moved to another country with my parents and after some time, when I was 15 she and I were texting each other and that's when she told me that she was attracted to me for a long time. It shocked me a lot. Then she told me that she was bi and explained what that meant. My mind was exploding. Finally I understood who I was.
But I can't say that this realisation changed anything. I was still a teenager who didn't want problems with the society and it's total hatered towards gays. But it definetely changed something in my perception of girls. I looked at them as if I was another person. And this made me fall for them :) Still I didn't act on my feelings and just talked with my friend who'd opened up my eyes. She went out with girls and told me about it, I envied a lot and dreamt..
Well, now looking back I realise that I've never fallen for a guy like it was with girls. Hurricane of emotions, the desire to write poetry (which I did lol ), the desire to see her more and more and the feeling of total happiness just because she decided to spend some more time with me after classes. Well, to be honest, I've never felt this way with guys and this fact even makes me doubt that I'm into guys at all.
All in all there have been 4 girls I was totally in love with. And I should say it made our relationships more difficult because I wanted to see them more, I was jealous, I was giving myself a hard time thinking about them and wanting them.
I haven't come out to anyone except that old friend of mine.. but once being rather drunk we talked with 2 of my groupmates and I told them I'd love to try to go out with a girl. We were discussing men and the problems, the disagreements, the quarrels that we had with our boyfriends, and I said that before I could stop myself. So in a way they now at least that I've been thinking about the matter.
Now, my boyfriend. Last week he just asked "Are you bi?". I didn't give him a straight answer and was on the point of coming out when I stopped myself. Why does he need to know it? I don't know the reason of him asking me this yet.
I'm 22 and I've had 2 boyfriends so far. I was in a long term relationships lasting 2,5 years and I loved him. I love my present bf. But then why do I feel like the emotions I've had with them is only 30% of those I am able to experience? I don't fall for boys first. First they fall in love with me, then emotions start growing in me. Just the opposite to what I felt with girls.
And the saddest part of it is that I'm almost sure I'll never be able to act on my feelings. Our society is so cruel, it can make your life miserable if it wants to. And I've already had enough of bad luck and difficulties in this life, so I don't want more struggle. I've talked about the matter with my colleagues and found out that they are totally opposed and even despise gays. I've never seen gay people walking openly in our city. Of course there are some, but they hide, they can't kiss in public. Their life is full of sidelong glances and they have to conceal who they are. So do I want it?
During the Christmas holidays I was in Berlin and at least twice I saw 2 gay guys walking holding hands and everyone was ok about it. I wish it would be like this in every part of the world some day.
thepictureofmylife thepictureofmylife 22-25, F 2 Responses Jan 15, 2013

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Someday soon the world will be just as you saw in Berlin. It is like this where I live now and acceptance is spreading. Even so, I am very selective about who I let in on "my big secret"! It's not easy, but just always be true to yourself.

But you're from the USA, right? Russia where I live is too far behind.. Underdeveloped minds of underdeveloped country :(

Yes, I am, you are right. But acceptance is spreading. It might take longer in some places than others, but their day of intolerance and prejudice is coming to an end.

I want to believe you :)

Its true society is demanding its always been most ppl close minded and can't mind their own busniess. But you love who you love there is nothing wrong with that. They should mind their own bisness u should love who u want to love whether male or female its you who is along side them. And its true that some ppl are against homosexuality, but why should you care so many ppl have fought for their rights and believes so should we they don't actually care what it is society will find something to bring u down with be be who u want to be and love who u want to love. As long as they are aside u and u have that person, everything they are and everything u love as long as she has ur hand in urs and hers in urs, and u can see that smile which cougth ur eye it doesn't really matter what others thinks. Be happy

You know it's easier said than done. I mean fighting with the society. I don't want to live in fight all my life and it's impossible to live free in the country where in a few months will be a law "against homosexual propaganda"
Thank you for your reply!

Ohh I see yeah its easier said than done and that law can mae things worst