Love Lost

Feel hopeless and tired. What do u do when u've messed up so bad uve lost the only thing u've ever loved? Shes why im alive. And thats right I said she. Im bisexual. I first saw her as a kid as I was walking into the bus to go to my seat when I saw her and knew that she was different then everyone else from in her eyes. However the kind of group I was in didnt mingle with her or her friends so I kept quiet, even tho she looked back into my eyes to. Years go by, I was a troubled child. My parents didnt understand me, they hurt me sometimes, they made me feel so horrible and insecure so bad I have so much trouble expressing emotion in person and ive never once felt confidence in myself. I drank to numb through pain sometimes, id cut to feel something, I was so upset and tired of life there was no reason to live but I did anyways idk y but ik now. My prayer was answered. Everynight for 12 years I spent alone. No friends no one to talk to. I was weird. Pretty enough for a popular guy to like me but not cool enough to get asked out. I was a loner. I had friends tho. Just not alot. My prayer every night was for someone to talk to. To tell everything to, no secrets. One day I left my old group of friends for an old BFF who is still currently my BFF. Guess who was in my BFF group of friends? She was, the girl from the bus. For a year I slowly became her friend, I was scared tho, I didnt wanna mess up and have her think I was weird. Turns out everyone in our group was weird. For the first time ever I gotta be myself, however i was still as cautious becoming her friend, I became friends easily with everyone else but she was different. 8th grade was when I saved her life, I kept her from killing herself over a guy I fought to keep her alive day after day, I still remember the day I thought she was dead. I went to school and saw her because she was in an orange shirt, I was walking with my friend to p.e. and I thought she was a ghost, I was bought to start crying until I heard my friend talk to her. Id never been so thankful for talking in my entire life. Ive also helped her with an absuive boyfriend, problems with parents and all kinds of stuff. And she helped me to. I dont cut or drink or do any bad stuff. Right now we have no secrets. I knew I was born to find her and help her, later on tho I grew abnormal feelings for her, we were good friends. We were such good friends we would cuddle on the couch, I held her at night to keep her nightmares away, we'd say I love u everynight. Called each other sweetheart. She was more of a family to me then my real one. Freshman year was the year I kissed her. Begging she told me she didnt feel the same way, she told me I could kiss her if I wanted to she just wouldnt kiss me back. 3rd time I came over I got her kissing me back and down my neck. Semester of school we spent as lovers then eventually gfs. Socitey is so scary we cant tell anyone. People get killed for being different so we were careful and cautious and told no one. We became gfs on October 13. We broke up January 26. I have never been so lost and depressed. And its all because of me that we broke up. I hurt her so bad that all the love we shared and made together was gone because of a couple.of texts. The day we broke up she came over and we made love one last time. I didnt no itd be the last, the way she was acting I thought we were fine. That wed be back together the very next day. Its been four days and she just wants to be friends we love each other but she thinks of me more as family then as a lover. Idk what family is and that made me screw up even worse. Shes currently my friend. And me? Im battling the urge to die this very moment. I feel alone and hopeless that I just failed the reason I was ment to live. Until u feel the hurt and pain, the love and the happiness u'll never understand y I feel this way. Im 15 and I saw my soul mate when I was in 3rd grade, I met her in 7th, I loved her in 8th but I lost her at 9th when life was finally starting to make sense. And currently idk what to do. I'm depressed and sucidial but im just waiting. Im waiting for another miracle.
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Jan 31, 2013