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In the Middle of the River

I am ambisexual. I'm equally attracted to both, and I am not one to only say I'm bi and not follow through. I'm open-minded, I'm open to more things than is... comfortable to admit. I don't think I am transgendered because I like make-up sometimes and jewelry and writing diaries and poetry, and I take voice lessons to sing in a soprano. My uniform at school requires a kilt. I'm small and light and not tall enough at 5'4''. I'd do anything to be taller.

But lately all that's been less of a focus. More and more I just dislike my body, dislike my hips, praise that my breasts are small. I dress up as a boy sometimes and bind myself with an ace bandage. I cut my hair short and fancy that I look male. I pay more and more attention to guys' hands and feet, ankles, the muscles of their backs and shoulders. I now weight-train to build up my shoulders so they don't look so narrow, but there is nothing I can do for my hips except wear baggy clothes to hide them. I do all this and wish I was a guy.

If I were male I'd still be bi, though, because I don't believe love makes much of a difference what sex/gender you're with. A friend told me once that he thought people were born bi. But society has ruled bisexuality and homosexuality out for so long that he thinks people grow up thinking they're straight or whatever, thinking and thinking until that becomes the reality and they had no desire to "experiment" with the same sex. I don't know if I believe in that or not but I do agree that it feels more right for me to be ambisexual, to not give a damn what gender or sex I'm attracted to, as long as I'm attracted to them.

I am in high school, I'll admit. I don't feel like my age but there isn't anything I can do to make myself older. People don't take teens seriously. Sometimes I don't take myself seriously, berating myself, telling myself that I'm making my desire to crossdress up, my desperate want to go out and pass as a guy and see what life's like, how it's different. When I crossdress I am more confident, less afraid, less paranoid.

I changed my name four years ago, from a clearly female name to an androgynous one. Online I use a man's name and a woman's name, one or the other. Man or woman. Straight or gay. I've always hated saying I'm a lesbian, because everything in my mind is against that. I say I'm gay, that I'm a ***, whatever. I feel more and more and more like a guy, but I'm still so female. I dance, I sing, I like art and music and I love writing. I know all the things I identify are just stereotypes, gender roles, but they have truth in them.

So I am androgynous. Androgynous and ambisexual. Somewhere in the middle, always. It would be easier to be transgendered, because I know no one will take me seriously if one day I'm a guy and the next I'm a woman. A dress and make up one day and baggy jeans and a flat chest the next. The world isn't okay with people like me who just want to be themselves, even if they don't fit into either gender properly.
Christophem Christophem 16-17, M 11 Responses Oct 9, 2007

Your Response


Well written hang in there you can be whatever you want to be just never give up. Wish we could just switch places but we know that can't be.!! You are young keep trying never give up!!! Good luck.

really?!! How weird (in a good way) and original. It never crossed my mind before that one could, not identify with a gender or the other, but with both.
Until now i only heard about transgender people who identify with a gender different than the one they were born.
But I guess this is for gender identification what bisexuality is for sexual preference, first people only talked about gays and straights and people had trouble understanding bisexuality, still today many people don't believe that bisexuals exist.
It's good to know the world is richer than what I thought, there is a place for everyone.
And it's great that you can be so open about it.

I can relate so much I find myself getting emotional because of this. Lol

Well I'm also bi. I can get attracted to both and also most of the time I really like to do a boyish look when it comes to clothing. Anyway, cheers to all the open minded people! I'm just so happy you guys really exist :)

love that your so brave ,wish I could be,ok,here it gos ,,I so bi also ,we should share stories,(im a man)

Sure :)

I wish I can add you though xD

what don't you believe,that hurts me deep,i know its corny to you ,but im for real ,I hope you were

dont come to this site becauce im bored or strange in the mind ,I"ve struggled with this all my life and it looks like I still have no place to be free ,I want ,nothing from anyone ,im a professional and very busy ,Im ,just lonely and need friend ,there I said what most want ,

2 More Responses

Why try to fit in ? It is your life and you should live it for you and not some social group or another persons feelings. If you are attracted to a girl explore it if it is a man explore that also. Live every minute like it is your last because it just may be.

Takes balls to live your life like that, Christo. Ain't easy to ignore all the gender roles and be who you want to be... people don't like difference and originality. You go, boy!

They are rigth just be YOURSELF we all have likes and dislikes they're never the same but thats what makes us diffrenct from each othes and there is nothing wrong with that. I mean some of us may have the same hair, clothes, shoes , bags styles but our personalitys are never the same. I admire how open u are in life I sometime wish I can be that open but its always good to STAY TRUE TO YOUR SELF XD there is nothing better than that . GOOD LUCK like they say ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR (hopefully) lol . If u ever need someone to talk im always here so send me an e-mail u will be surprised by my age lol

i meant to say (hopefully peace)

you should love yourself either way....

you just keep it up & do whatever makes you happy as that is what is important. whatever feels natural must be best. we are both bi & understand each others needs, it`s so much easier these days, we dont hide it at all.

I agree with what everyone said above. Try not to worry so much about what others think and what society expects of you and stereotypes. If you worry about what everyone else thinks then it's your own happiness that will pay the price, trust me, I know from experience. But if you ever need someone to talk to then your more then welcome to send me an email :)

agree with above comment,your a teenager going through hoops to try and find the pigeon hole but inside you are what counts,take time to work out who you are,talk to a councillor if it helps.if you wish to send me a message and will try to help you

hang in there! it really is okay to be yourself and you shouldn't have to feel like the judgement passed by mainstream society makes you less of a person. <br />
be you! good luck :)