In the Middle of the RiverI am ambisexual. I'm equally attracted to both, and I am not one to only say I'm bi and not follow through. I'm open-minded, I'm open to more things than is... comfortable to admit. I don't think I am transgendered because I like make-up sometimes and jewelry and writing diaries and poetry, and I take voice lessons to sing in a soprano. My uniform at school requires a kilt. I'm small and light and not tall enough at 5'4''. I'd do anything to be taller.
But lately all that's been less of a focus. More and more I just dislike my body, dislike my hips, praise that my breasts are small. I dress up as a boy sometimes and bind myself with an ace bandage. I cut my hair short and fancy that I look male. I pay more and more attention to guys' hands and feet, ankles, the muscles of their backs and shoulders. I now weight-train to build up my shoulders so they don't look so narrow, but there is nothing I can do for my hips except wear baggy clothes to hide them. I do all this and wish I was a guy.
If I were male I'd still be bi, though, because I don't believe love makes much of a difference what sex/gender you're with. A friend told me once that he thought people were born bi. But society has ruled bisexuality and homosexuality out for so long that he thinks people grow up thinking they're straight or whatever, thinking and thinking until that becomes the reality and they had no desire to "experiment" with the same sex. I don't know if I believe in that or not but I do agree that it feels more right for me to be ambisexual, to not give a damn what gender or sex I'm attracted to, as long as I'm attracted to them.
I am in high school, I'll admit. I don't feel like my age but there isn't anything I can do to make myself older. People don't take teens seriously. Sometimes I don't take myself seriously, berating myself, telling myself that I'm making my desire to crossdress up, my desperate want to go out and pass as a guy and see what life's like, how it's different. When I crossdress I am more confident, less afraid, less paranoid.
I changed my name four years ago, from a clearly female name to an androgynous one. Online I use a man's name and a woman's name, one or the other. Man or woman. Straight or gay. I've always hated saying I'm a lesbian, because everything in my mind is against that. I say I'm gay, that I'm a ***, whatever. I feel more and more and more like a guy, but I'm still so female. I dance, I sing, I like art and music and I love writing. I know all the things I identify are just stereotypes, gender roles, but they have truth in them.
So I am androgynous. Androgynous and ambisexual. Somewhere in the middle, always. It would be easier to be transgendered, because I know no one will take me seriously if one day I'm a guy and the next I'm a woman. A dress and make up one day and baggy jeans and a flat chest the next. The world isn't okay with people like me who just want to be themselves, even if they don't fit into either gender properly.
Christophem 16-18, M 11 Responses 8 Oct 9, 2007