Balancing Nick And Amelia

I'm finally starting to come to terms with being bigender (although to be honest, I didn't know what that was two weeks ago). I had always assumed that I was transgender ever since I had gone online to research why I felt like a girl at a young age. But recently - as I was doing research on hormones and SRS ironically enough - I came across the term bigender, and finally discovered the words describing what I had always felt.

I'm currently writing this as Amelia, but Nick is the side I present to the world. Unfortunately, I can't present myself very often in public, and she is often constrained to my room in private. My current job and lifestyle present a number of complications towards being Amelia, and it requires me to keep her suppressed most of the time. But when I'm alone, I get to be as feminine as I can (which is pretty feminine if I do say so myself ;) ).

Whenever I can be alone, I put on whatever feminine clothing I have and go to the internet, often deciding to go on a chat room and just talk to people as a girl. It's a nice social change of pace for me, and it allows me to practice not only interacting with other girls, but flirting with boys as well.

That is probably the most difficult thing to deal with as a bigendered individual - sexual attraction. I think of myself as straight, but who that means I'm attracted to changes with my personality - Nick is attracted to girls, and Amelia is attracted to guys. It just becomes difficult to deal with when (and this has happened to me before) Nick is with a girl, and all of a sudden Amelia comes out - just a complete shutdown of sexual attraction.

Although I'm not currently able to explore what it means to be a girl, I look forward to the future when I can :)
timelord17 timelord17
18-21, M
May 21, 2012