A Long Strange Trip...

I am a 43 year old male. I have been married twice. Raised several children. In most ways my life looks absolutely normal. I have a loving supportive wife, thank God! The last 20 years of our marriage have been a period of constant evolution. In that time I have come out as bi-sexual, a cross dresser and now bigendered.

As a child I was a soft spoken introverted kid. My family viewed me as a little effemenate and decided to toughen me up. My mother especially pushed the issue. I grew up going to school in the city and spending weekends in the suburbs. I was never the biggest kid, no matter where I was. I had been taught not to take crap though. Unfortunately it led to a very angry childhood. Anger was how I protected myself and kept others at bay. I have come to realize that I was also angry because I had been forced through family socialization to feel ashamed of how I really felt inside.

When I was around ten years old, I would try on make up and shoes. That was bad enough, but always having to watch how I carried myself or my mannerisms or how I verbally expressed myself, was really hard. I ended up pretty much hating everything about myself. At the time I wasn't really aware of what drove me to the anger and destruction. Thirty three years later I can see the self destructive behaviour for what it was. I hated living in my own skin, at least part of the time.

For thirty three years, there have been times when I would dress up and pretend to be female. When I was younger, there was a sexual component because it was taboo behaviour. Today I still feel sexy when I am dressed, however, there is more to it than sex. I feel fulfilled when I can choose to express myself as either male or female. Feeling as though I have had to choose one or the other over the years has led me down many roads.I have spent a long time in the closet. I have raided womans clothing every chance I have gotten over the years always risking getting caught. And not once did I ever find a pair of pumps in someones collection that would fit me. Lol

Ten years or so ago, I started questioning why I feel the way I do and so forth and so on. I took an honest look at myself. I also realized I found men attractive. I have always found women attrctive and enjoy their company in bed, the realization that I had been suppressing feelings for men threw me for a loop. To this day I find both sexes attractive. I like woman who are petite and feminine. I like men who are masculine and strong.When I am my day to day male self, I enjoy being the strong masculine guy. I like to have my wife lay her head on my chest and hold her in my arms. When I am feeling feminine, I want to be held and have my back stroked. It's the same with sex. I am dominate as a man, receptive and submissive as a woman.

The bisexual revelation was accepted by my wife. I was allowed to express that side of myself freely for awhile. Eventually it got to be too much and we agreed to be monogamous again. The only problem was that I no longer had an outlet for the expression of my feminine feelings and desires. That was seven years ago. Within the last three months, we decided to look for a bisexual male with whom we could have a polyamorous relationship. Being that we were going down a road that requires complete honesty, I confessed that I enjoyed dressing as a woman. Shortly there after I came out that I was also bigendered.
I have had the best two months of my life!

I can be a woman in my own home. Though I am still male all day, I can wear nail polish on my toes, shave my body, wear a neglige to bed, and best of all, I have two new pairs of shoes, peep toe pumps and sandals with a 3 inch heel. I love how my legs and toes look in a skirt and open toed sandals.

It is my greatest desire to pass as a woman. I will not use hormones though, I still love my guy side too. The trick will be in striking a balance with a body that is toned but still soft in all the right places.I am learning to walk in heels right now. I have 20 pounds to loose by dieting and then I can start to train my waist with corseting. I am starting to train my voice to be more female and learning how to cover my five o clock shadow and make my face pretty. When I have lost the wieght and trained my waist it will be time to add breast forms and a wig.

I feel fulfilled and excited. Thanks for providing this forum. It is always nice to know that I am not alone.

Chamelion Chamelion
Sep 8, 2012