In Conflict With Myself

A few years back I realized that I was bigendered even before I knew the term existed. Since an early age, I have always preferred the company of girls and always loved pretty dresses, jewelry, and girly stuff; but I like really liked masculine activities like hunting and metal working and competiton. I found myself in conflict internally between two egos, which at times paralyzed my decision making abilities and I would find I was having an argument in my head between the two sexes. I tried to come to terms with two gender identities, but it only led to confusion and paralysis. There are times when I am online in real time conversation, that the other party confuses me with the opposite gender that I was born with,even when I am not aware of which gender is typing at the time. Even now, when I look upon a beautiful woman I will either be envious of all the attention she is getting and wishing I looked so good, or I will be thinking what a hot babe just came into my view and wish that I could get a piece of ***; but never the two feelings together. and there are significant differences in their personalities. My male ego is thoughtful, altruistic, introspective and empathetic, but with a very real need to win; my female ego, though, is wild, flirtatious, loves attention, and is very existential and lives in the moment. Both have a sense of humor, although the female's humor is more on the sarcastic side, while the Male's is more droll and good nature d. My problem is that in relationships my partner cannot figure me out, which has lead to friction, and invariably ends the relationship. I have only come-out as bigendered to one person, and that is in an online social setting which allows me to express one or the other egos as individuals. My friend loves both egos and often will ask me to bring the other online. No-one else in this social media encounter knows that the two avatars I play are in fact only one real person, even though we (my male and female avatars) share many friends. If only I could express my gender egos separately in real life, then I wouldn't feel so conflicted internally and maybe I can have a lasting relationship.
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 13, 2013

I feel so alone, I thought that perhaps I wasn't so different, but seeing that you're the only person who has commented and can relate to my experience leaves to wonder; am I weird? Is this why all my relationships have failed?

I can so relate to what you say. Thanx 4 sharing