Feelings That I Should Be A Boy

Since my young age, i've been imagined myself as a boy. I remember wearing boy clothes and playing with toys who were for boys (action mans for example). But i also felt like a girl, i liked the Disney movies, played with barbies. So in a way, it's kinda strange. I like girls and boys stuffs. I had a big plastic doll in my grandparents. When i was alone, i kissed her.
I also remember when i played with some friends, i choose to be the man in the story. I felt cool as a guy. I always love men clothes and always hated dresses.

My mother (less now) always wanted me to be more girly and to wear bright colors but i've never liked that. Like i've never wore make up until a couple of years (i only wear make up when i have a date or something like that).

In my dreams, i go out with girls and i play the romantic rock n roll guy. But in my real life, i love mean. Except that sometimes i'm not sure about my preference because also in my dreams, as a guy, i'm a bit gay too. So i don't know, i've never really been with someone nor even had sex. I always thought that if have sex i'll know what iam but it's just a guess.

I dreamed about being sodomised by (as been a man) and have to say that i like the show Queer as folk.

My family never really understood me. I've never told them about all this. I always said that i was straight and wanted to be with a man. I know my mother had suspected something about gender but i have never had the courage to tell about my confusion. She was a bit worried when i became a fan of the rocky horror picture show. I had a lot of pictures of frank n furter, i found it cool but strangely my mother found it weird. Fortunatelly for me, i saw on forums that i wasn't the only one who had a crush on that character.

Anyway, with time, i thought that i'll know myself but still don't. I still dream about being a man.

A couple of years ago, i watched the french version of american idol. One of the singer seemed really cool. He had dandy style. I thought it would be cool to wear like that. But at the time it thought women couldn't wear suits until i discover patti smith who wears men clothes. Since then, i try to copy her style, it's not completely men clothes but not completely women clothes either which is just perfect for me. And also, around me, no one really dresses up like that.

Okay, let's say that i found things to wear and the good news is that it fits me totally. A friend of mine said once that i was elegant.


Anyway, it's just clothes. I'm still alone and wonder who i should be and with who.


IWasATeenageWerewolf IWasATeenageWerewolf
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

You don't need a gender label. Maybe you can just openly explore your sexuality. Why have the need to be this way or that way,

You're absolutely right