Free At Last

So I moved out of my mother's place a few days ago, and I couldn't be any happier now. The thought of moving out was so crazy at first, but I've quickly grown to love having my own place. My apartment is located in the central part of the city which makes it a sought after area, yet for some reason I got this apartment for a fairly low price. The ideal location is great becaue I'm easily within walking distance from school, meaning that I don't have to ride the bus to school anymore. The city's buses are always overcrowded, dirty, and sometimes the people who use them can be so annoying, so it's great that taking the bus to school is thing of the past.

Before I moved out, I was getting really frustrated with my situation at home. My grandma is sick with diabetes, and she has a tendency to hog the living room because she's too feeble to get up during the day. Because of that, I didn't get the chance to watch my favorite programs on tv. It was starting to become an immense problem, because I have emotional problems and I sometimes get really hostile when I'm deprived of something I want.
I know that sounds trivial. However when you have serious emotional problems, the little things like getting to watch tv definitely matter. For me, my favorite television programs are comforting when I'm enduring a rough patch, so not getting that just amplified my pain.

Worse, my grandma's friend was coming almost everyday to visit her. Normally that wouldn't be a problem but she had the annoying habit of staying at the house for 4-6 hours each visit. I'm sort of antisocial and her frequent and long visits were becoming the bane of my existence even though I tried to ignore it. Both of the major problems were directly connected with my grandmother. I hate to say this, but it was almost like I started to hate her because just living with her was causing me so much misery.

Despite that, I never lashed out at her, even if she's the ultimate reason I left. By moving out, my relationship with my family should improve as it can't get any worse than it was at the time I left. Today I saw my mom, and we got along better than we have in such a long time. I was worried about destroying my relationship with them, so it just made complete sense to leave. Ironically creating space with them is what's gonna bring us closer if that makes sense.

I know I've placed a lot of the blame for my misery on my Grandma however another major cause of the tension had to do with my gender, and how I had to suppress it as a result of my living situation. It started to take a toll on me, becoming more grueling and tiresome as time went on.

My anger was getting to be uncontrollable when I was living at home. The other problem was having to repress myself. Combined with my grandma, it was too much for me. The intensity of my anger was something I've never felt before. Often I would beat myself up just to alleviate the pain, and up till then, I'd never experienced anything that painful. But getting to be who I am has enabled me to dispel those extremely painful feelings.

Getting my own place is the best thing I could've done. Now I can become a woman whenever I want. My family did accept me, but I always felt somewhat self-conscious around them knowing they were still kinda homophobic. The first thing I did after moving here was order a bunch of vegan makeup. This weekend I wanna go buy some dresses, then I want to show off around the city because I'm in a festive mood now. Really, things feel so excellent now. Having this freedom to do whatever the heck I want feels sooo awesome. All in all, I feel liberated to say the least.

It's great not being constrained by living with my family. This has been such a therapeutic experience for me. What makes this better is that the benefit agrees with everyone; my family's happy about my move too because my sister's finally gotten her own room. To sweeten it, I don't have to worry about my grandma's friend showing up and for that matter, I never have to worry about any undesired company suddenly showing up.

This has been a wonderful experience that's allowed my growth as a Bigender person to flourish. All this time, I felt like I had to reject myself, that I had to sacrifice my happiness in order to live a facade. Establishing the real me has been such a positive experienced. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. My life has changed in a big way, but the change has been purely for the better.
Flowersblossom Flowersblossom
1 Response May 7, 2013

I'm so happy for you reading that you're now happy. Good luck with everything, hopefully one day I'll be able to be happy as you are.