Land of Confusion
I was born, physically a male, oh so many years ago. And there are times when i truly feel as one. But, there are an equal amount of times when i feel as though that's not right. Sometimes, the 'switch' comes after a few hours, sometimes it takes months.
For awhile, I thought i might be transgendered, and seriously thought of pursuing SRS. I had it all planned out, I was ready, and looking forward to it. And then, just as i was about to begin the implementation. BAM the big switch. And thank god it came when it did, because i know now it wouldn't have made me happy, wouldn't have 'fixed' anything. I didn't know the term 'bigendered' then, didn't know anyone else experienced it. thought i was unique, alone, helpless, a freak. What could i do? I didn't feel right as a man when the switch was flipped to feminine, and i wouldn't feel right as a woman when it was flipped the other way.
I've come to embrace it now. this is who i am, and i can't change it. Though at times, i wish i could. On occasion, i crossdress, which helps about as much as taking children's aspirin for a broken leg.
At times, I go online as a woman, just to be perceived as one. For the simple right to act as i feel, without being ridiculed for it. I don't do it for cybersex, or any of the reasons most 'actual guys' do it for, but whenever i am discovered, I am treated just as bad for it. Some have been hurt because of it, and to them, i am truly sorry. I am sorry you felt 'betrayed', was never my intention. i'm sorry you felt tricked, again, i wasn't meaning to trick you. and why does it matter? I only 'tricked' you into talking to me, which you would've done anyway had i presented myself as the man i wasn't at the time. we were no more and no less than people chatting on the internet. Nothing 'hot and heavy'. just simple conversation.
ugh, i turned this into something i didn't intend, but i needed it off my chest apparantly. I just wish i had control of the 'switch'. a simple choice in the matter. but i guess it keeps me on my toes, huh?
anyway, i think i'm done rambling.