Land of Confusion

I was born, physically a male, oh so many years ago.  And there are times when i truly feel as one. But, there are an equal amount of times when i feel as though that's not right. Sometimes, the 'switch' comes after a few hours, sometimes it takes months.

For awhile, I thought i might be transgendered, and seriously thought of pursuing SRS.  I had it all planned out, I was ready, and looking forward to it. And then, just as i was about to begin the implementation. BAM the big switch.  And thank god it came when it did, because i know now it wouldn't have made me happy, wouldn't have 'fixed' anything.  I didn't know the term 'bigendered' then, didn't know anyone else experienced it. thought i was unique, alone, helpless, a freak.  What could i do? I didn't feel right as a man when the switch was flipped to feminine, and i wouldn't feel right as a woman when it was flipped the other way. 

I've come to embrace it now. this is who i am, and i can't change it. Though at times, i wish i could.  On occasion, i crossdress, which helps about as much as taking children's aspirin for a broken leg.

At times, I go online as a woman, just to be perceived as one. For the simple right to act as i feel, without being ridiculed for it. I don't do it for cybersex, or any of the reasons most 'actual guys' do it for, but whenever i am discovered, I am treated just as bad for it. Some have been hurt because of it, and to them, i am truly sorry.  I am sorry you felt 'betrayed', was never my intention. i'm sorry you felt tricked, again, i wasn't meaning to trick you.  and why does it matter? I only 'tricked' you into talking to me, which you would've done anyway had i presented myself as the man i wasn't at the time. we were no more and no less than people chatting on the internet.  Nothing 'hot and heavy'. just simple conversation. 

ugh, i turned this into something i didn't intend, but i needed it off my chest apparantly. I just wish i had control of the 'switch'.  a simple choice in the matter.  but i guess it keeps me on my toes, huh?

anyway, i think i'm done rambling.

sarahdavids sarahdavids
4 Responses Sep 22, 2009

I just have to say, of all the stories I've read here, THIS one really stands out the most to me. In particular I've even done going on-line and used a voice modulator to sound more feminine. During that time it was a good year and a half long switch, eventually it faded, but during that time I really had been pondering a gender switch. Now, between learning this term, learning there are others who feel it too, I know it's not so strange. I've admitted it to my girl friend and some friends... Sometimes I feel more female, sometimes more male. Oddly enough for me, both are hetersexual (Though also Bi for the right personality.) Which leads to some, odd moments.

Thank you for sharing your story!

There are times when my switch is flipped one way or the other.
And it drives me crazy if you know where i'm coming from.

Sarah, everything you have said here is SO very me! Sx

These words, "At times, I go online as a woman, just to be perceived as one. For the simple right to act as I feel, without being ridiculed for it," speak volumes. I try very hard to be open, honest and up-front. The picture on my profile is really me. So much so, I consider it to be the most honest and revealing picture of me I can show. I openly list myself as male only because I’m trying to be fully honest, even through I’m not sure if saying that I am male is 100% true. Sometimes I get accused of “borrowing” a picture of a real female. Most people, especially women, perceive me as more female than male. What I say, and how I say it are from the heart. I’m not trying to pretend to be a woman, I’m simply not trying to pretend to be anything else either. True, I get ridiculed for being who I am, but at least the people who don’t do that, I know are true friends. I often participate in things like Yahoo Answers and the like, in questions and discussions that one would label as women’s interest and issues. I usually get very good reactions. I don’t know if that a indication of acceptance or simply a lack of attention to detail where I’m listed as “M” rather than “F.” I just feels good to breath and be myself, and talk about things I like and not have to make excuses. I guess I’m just playing on the flip side of the coin, instead of being ridiculed for not being female, I get it for being male. But, you know what? I’ve learned that for the people that care about me, it doesn’t matter, and for the people it does matter to, I don’t care about them. But, I do understand and support what you are doing. I think you have the simple right to act as you feel, and that in itself is being perfectly honest. After all, if you are a woman, you are a woman, regardless of any perceived physical inconsistencies. The ultimate honestly is to define yourself.