50/50 Or Something Like That

I'm not sure when it started exactly, but I remember instances when I was a kid where I would do or say things that would be sort of...questionable. Things that little boys usually don't do. For one I used to say that I thought John Travolta (LOL, okay yeah I don't know why) was cute. My brother would always mention how I would say that and I really thought it was normal. Then sometimes I would take a beach towel that had Lion King print on it , wrap it on my head, and walk around my house saying that it was my hair. I always wondered why my parents never thought this was weird. (Well if they DID, they never said anything.)

After I grew up a bit I realized those things were "wrong" so I became more like a male. During those years I never was a typical boy. I was sensitive and very passionate about things, unlike the boys in my school. I didn't really have any friends because I also happened to be the only White/Asian person at my school. I was made fun of a lot. Anyway, by the time I got into High School I made friends and sort of broke out of my shell a bit. During that time I thought I was bisexual...then I thought I was just gay...then it got to the point where I wanted to be female.

I always thought about it. The idea was so interesting to me. I'd imagine how easy my life would be if I were female. I'm attracted to masculine guys , so it would be so easy to find someone. I imagined that I'd be really pretty and a lot more outgoing as a female. After a while those thoughts faded and so did the idea that I was gay.

I decided that I really didn't care about gender at all. I didn't like the term "bisexual" anymore, and felt it didn't apply to me. I liked males and I liked females but I didn't really like them BECAUSE of their genders...if that makes sense. I still feel that way to this day. I do have to admit...and it gets confusing here...that I am more attracted to males than females. Again it's not really because their male, but just because it just happens to be that way. I'll see more males that i'm attracted to than females. I guess it's more because of the fact that males tend to be more masculine, and that's what I like. But I DO like girls, I tend to like girls who are either more masculine or who are just really weird...lol. Anyway.

After I realized that, I started to see that I didn't care about my own gender either. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I realized that, as I grew older, I began to lose my gender. I really felt as if I completely busted out of the gender box I was in.

It's really complicated for me. Sometimes I feel like a male, sometimes I feel like a female. Sometimes I feel like I am neither, like I am some third gender. I tend to feel like neither most of the time, but I have periods where I'll feel like one specific gender.  I don't cross-dress because I still live at home and my parents are crazy so I don't want to risk it . But I DO like to apply makeup. I really like special effects makeup but I also really like weird makeup styles. I do it and go out a lot but usually the makeup is not really...feminine makeup. BUT, I usually wear fake eyelashes and I absolutely love how those make me feel / look. It is weird, though , because the make up doesnt make me feel more feminine...rather, it makes me feel more neutral. I am a very adrogynous person, and the makeup really adds to it I think.

sometimes I take photos where I purposely make myself look more female. Sometimes I shave my stubble so that i look more like a girl. I really enjoy when people get confused with my gender...it happens a lot...sometimes even when I have stubble. LOL.


As of late though I've been feeling more like a male. I'm growing my facial hair , lol. But I don't know how long that will last. i'll probably shave it once I feel more like a female.

Here are two photos, one in which I am male and the other where I am female.



And then my more neutral self




Ahhh This has become really TL ; DR huh? ahahaha.

cobraveins cobraveins
1 Response Feb 22, 2010

"Sometimes I feel like a male, sometimes I feel like a female. Sometimes I feel like I am neither, like I am some third gender. I tend to feel like neither most of the time, but I have periods where I'll feel like one specific gender." <br />
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This is exactly as I feel. I consider myself having 3 genders, and they are fluid because sometimes I can be a mixture of more than one gender (think of it as red=female and yellow=neutral, so i can be, as one example: "orange".) It's confusing and I cannot consider transitioning my body from female to male because I would still have the same problem from the other direction! By realizing and accepting that I have these genders, my sexual orientation started to make sense and i feel so much comfortable with my relationships and myself. I am attracted to males and females. But the sexual/emotional feelings I have towards them change depending on what gender I am. <br />
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I am struggling to find a way to feel comfortable in the world this way. My dad says I did/said things that weren't truly "female" growing up. I remember lots of little things like not understanding why I couldn't pee standing up and not having the right anatomy. But at the same time, sometimes i felt comfortable being female too.... although usually NOT the type of feminine my mother pushed on me. Only recently did I come to realize who my "neutral" gender is. Looking back, my neutral gender is where I am most of the time. <br />
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