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They Never Tell You Why...

Pretty much all my life, I have gone through one bad thing after another... I always had trouble with things, and I was always in trouble... It wasn't until I was in the 8th grade that anyone figured out that there was something seriously wrong with me...

I was tested for ADD, but the school counselor found something else. I went to 3 different Psychologists before I found one I could actually talk to and felt I could grow to trust. I was tested and diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder.

I went to therapy at first once a month... but come the end of my summer vacation and the beginning of my freshman year, things started getting worse for me, and I was in and out of the hospital. It was like any random thing would set me off. Like I couldn't handle life the way everyone else could. My freshman year was one of the worst years of my life.

I was in the hospital 3 times, and residential treatment twice... then when things started to finally level out, I made a really stupid decision, and got kicked out of school.

Luckily the school new what was going on with me, and I was allowed to be homeschooled through the school. But I still ended up failing some of my classes, and missing out on a lot of experiences.

I have been in therapy since 1999... I am still seeing the same therapist... But it seems like my troubles just don't want to go away. I talk about them as much as I can handle to, and try to face them... but none of the issues ever seem to be resolved.

I can't work, due to my anxiety issues, so I am on Social Security Disability. I have tried working, and have always ended up having a panick attack on the job, or afterwards due to the high stress that builds up. A lot of times I feel like a burden to my close friends and family. I always wish they understood me better, and that I could do more to help out...

Mostly, I feel like a useless waste... Like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around to burden them.

BeautifulNightmare BeautifulNightmare 22-25, F 2 Responses May 3, 2008

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Wow it's like someone wrote a page about me only obviously it's you. Do you ever feel like No matter if we fight with every thing we have, life will just push back that much harder. Shutting down every effort as if surrounded by invincible bullies. Honestly I didn't think anybody had a story simular to mine.

I share many experiences very similar, I am 19, was hospitalized over 10 times in the last 3 years, was in a three-month residential program for 8 months, and in a group home in PPC (police protective custody) while they decided if it was safe to allow my parents to be responsible for me. Therapists, Case Workers, Juvenile Care Workers, Judges, that's what I knew. I didn't know parents, I knew staff and supervisors. I didn't get to grow up with my brother, I grew up with "patients" and "clients". I didn't get to shoot pistols, ride horses, go to the beach, or visit distant relatives. Hiking, Camping, Fishing, not safe for me. I grew up in groups, not sports. And now, living in this "scary world", I don't know how to make friends, socialize, go on dates. I can't stand parties, because of exposure to the world of drugs, violence, and rape at parties, as a child.