I Want It All. I Ruin It All.

Hi this is my first post on the Experience project. I felt the urge to sign up and confess even though I have a ton of things I should be doing at the moment. First I want to apologize for my grammar, I used to be better in English but it has been a long time since I've wrote.

Second I wish to apologize for my manners, I will probably look condescending or self pitying (?) but I have to express these feelings.

Here is the current situation: My life was finally going for the best in the last few months, I had a job I liked and even had a promotion, I was moving with one of my friend into a REALLY cool appartment on the south shore of Quebec City, Canada. Things were hard with my girlfriend but we kept a strong will to make them better. I started kickboxing, loved it and progressed really fast. I managed to clear my debts from the past years.

2012 was a pretty rough year though, I got my girlfriend pregnant and we had to abort... a thing we both regret today.
In february I lost my mother, she deceased from a form of pneumonia. She was already in a pretty bad situation being indebted, on welfare, alchoolic heavy smoker, mental and physical health problems. Since my father passed away in 2001 her life was a slow and painful descent to hell. And I was not much help through that process, being lazy at home not getting a job until I was 17, dropping out school etc.

At least we are four children, so this event made our strong ties even stronger.

Anyway back to now, at some point through the summer I became exceedingly stressed out with my job and girlfriend. I tried to keep stepping, remembering the OH so many time where I left my job / school only to do nothing and indebt my *** etc. But half way through August I could not stand more and I quitted my job, actually I just stopped going there without notice. Then I immediatly got a job in a Sushi Shop, and same thing happened 2 days later. At this point I knew I was back to this old part of the cycle... Going down and going down hard.

And going down means transforming into an *******. I began flirting with other girls on the internet which my (wonderful) girlfriend found out. She said she could forgive me, but I decided to break up anyway. One step lower. Now my mind is a mess and although I am not as worst as my precedent down, I cannot afford to do that. I now have a friend living with me and I don't want to ''contaminate'' him with this attitude, also I don't want to get him through all the troubles of my incoming debts If I keep getting lower.

A few years ago I had a major down (also while having another wonderful girlfriend, great friends also) and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type 2 . I began medication (Citalopram and Lamictal) only to get back to my Old habits of drug consumption (mainly marijuana), beer and cigarettes. My highs were just higher and my lows lower. I left this girl only to go out a see another one in Montreal (300 km from here) .

Eventually I went down down down, only to sleep 18 hours a day, not working and not speaking to anyone through then whole winter.

Basically this has been my life for the last years and I am now 21. I can't remember when those cycles started. I keep ruining my life with ****** decisions and every time I am aware of the consequences. I know what needs to be done, it's just that I don't do it. I was blessed with a great capacity to learn which made school easy and an ease with people, so having friends and a social circle was not a problem. I love women and probably too much as you can see.There's a part of me that is Good guy Greg with them and the other one is the total opposite. (Gemini sunsign lol) I have had many school, job, friends, relationship, travel or athletic opportunities which I ALL RUINED because eventually I would end up hiding in my basement.

It seems like I have a such a low tolerance to stress and constant activity that I always break down at some point and can't achieve anything.

Even today it would almost take me a gun in the face to get me up...

I will try to put on some updates soon.

Thanks for reading,


kapouchet kapouchet
1 Response Sep 13, 2012

Well, young fella. Having been in a marriage with someone that was afflicted with a similar condition as yours, I can suggest to you:<br />
<br />
Seek help, as well as try to find your own internal happiness, not immediate gratification. I mean no disrespect by those suggestions, rather I understand the predicament that you are in.<br />
<br />
Take care.

No worries about the suggestions. I understand the good intentions behind them. I'm currently looking for a place nearby to seek help. Although so far whenever I start speaking of Help without medication people with similar experiences keep telling me that it won't kill and it would be of much help.
But for various reasons I really want to get out of this without medication.

Oh and thanks a lot, much appreciated.

Complete diagnosis is a first step. Then the possibility of therapy with out drugs may exist. I am not a proponent for pharmaceuticals, yet if they will help you feel better and are your only option, you must consider you most appropriate 'way out!'