My Self Destruction

I've been battling bipolar and depression pretty much my whole life. Though I wasnt diagnosed with it till 1999. I have been hospitalized, zombified by meds, and have been in therapy for a long time.

No many how many different ways I have tried to cope... Nothing seems to change. I hurt the people I care most about. I am self destructive... And the worst part is, I have to fight to hide it. Because I know that my family doesnt understand.... They think it is is so easy...

"You'd be more awake if you'd sleep at night..." Because it is so ******* easy to fall asleep. Sleeping pills dont even work like they should. I take them, then they take hours to kick in, and once I finally do fall asleep... The combination of lack of sleep and sleeping pills makes me sleep from 10 to 14 hours....

Then I have to listen to a lecture about sleeping too much. My family's answer is "God." Because he has done so much for me in the past.

This is ruining my life. It has destroyed every serious relationship I have been in. Ruined one to the point of not being able to try and be friends I dont think....

But now... I am single again... Because of my issues... And whats worse... I cannot be the mother that my daughter needs me to be. I feel no bond with her. I want to be there for her, I want to love her.... But I honestly believe and feel that I am not mentally capable of it.

And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for becoming just like my mom. And not knowing what I can do besides what I am already trying to do... to fix it.

All my cries for help... Have been ignored. My family doesnt even notice my depression even more. All they ever as is "Are you in a bad mood?" And leave it at that....

I want to run away... I want to disappear... Maybe even die...

BeautifulNightmare BeautifulNightmare
22-25, F
6 Responses Jul 9, 2008

I was diagnosed with major depression when I was 16 years old, I had suffered so much till then. After I was diagnosed with Attention deficit Disorder with Bipolar. I am single, I scared all the people around me with my crisis, I don't have friends, only family. I used all the kind of illegal drugs available in the market, and I mean ALL. Never worked in the same place for more than 6 months, in one of them I worked drunk everyday. I cannot sleep, I used so much substances that my body has a huge resistance to medication. I live my life alone, no-one understands me, I suffer alone. All treatments failed with me, I ttempt suicide many times, las time I threw my self of a bridge (I don't know to swim) but unfortunately I was rescued and continue to live this tough and helpless life...

Im so sorry....rite now im in the most depressive state I have even been in I dont work , go to school, talk to friends, I dont even leave the house. My illness makes me hate myself and life. I wish I knew what to say to help u because I wish no one had to go thru what I do

I also am in the same place! I have an 11 yr old daughter and she is very upset with the fact I don't spend all my time with her. My parents adopted her quite a few years ago and have been raising her. I also sleep ALOT. I have to take 200mgs of trazidone just to fall asleep. I gained up to 206lbs in my depression. Many people act like I am normal and I know that I am not. <br />
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Although it seems worthless trying all the meds and counciling, I have found that the only thing that helps my bipolar is Effexor xr 150mgs a day and 2 5mg valiums a day and I have had to deal with an alcoholic boyfriend who abused me for 7 yrs. It seems like I attract the crazies. I finally found a man that is also bipolar and he understands what I go through. I have some anger issues and have tried to commit suicide.<br />
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I have been hospitalized two times and sent to a crisis unit twice. Then only thing that saved me was God! He is a healer and it only costs is believing that he is real and I'm not religious but I do pray and ask for help. I have been healed many times and it's all because I believed and trusted that he would hear my sinners heart. Life is hard, but we succeed because we have too! <br />
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I am sensitive to the paranormal and have Deja Vu often. I see things in my dreams and I feel they are put into my head for a reason I am not quite sure of. I am a loner, I prefer to only be around one or two people at a time. I am also socially phobic. I will pray that your life with bipolar will become easier and that you can find a doctor that is willing to treat you the right way.

I found this website tonight by accident. i am so sorry that there are more people that feel like i do and selfishly grateful that somewhere there are others who feel and understand what i am going through. i know longer have the energy to explain or frankly give a **** but thank you for your stories.

I agree with both of you. I get depressed often. Right now I am doing pretty good, but then when I get in that mood, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT. I am not destructive though. I just cry alot, and ramble on. And others may claim I am a *****. I don't like to be around my children at these times, and it makes me feel like a horriable parent. Sometimes I feel like doing stomething stupid.

I am in the same place...I also have a daughter and I feel bad that I can't be like other lovable moms...I understand family doesn't care if i'm deprssed ,they think i'm just anti-social...I feel your pain.