Now What...

I have been bipolar since I was young, but was generally alway diagnosed with anxiety/depression. I tried to use drugs, alcohol, sex, school, food/no food, work, anything to get out of myself and how I feel. I have created a lot of havok and upset/hurt many people in the process and am.now trying again not to drink. I didn't drink for a long time and started again last year. Drinking was making my bipolar much more severe. My friends and family all said that when I wasn't drinking my bp was more under control, but the truth is that I just handled it in a more "socially appropiate" way by having eating disorders, straight A student, excellent employee, sleep only with ex boyfriends (not one night stands), and get "out of control" manic or depressed in the privacy of my own home and rest assured noone would know about it (or at least not too much to worry). On one hand I am annoyed that I am not allowed to live my life how I want to live it, but also am acutely aware of how much my illness and choices effect other people and my future. I am not sure if I will enjoy my life not drinking again, I like the additional highs and lows. I just don't like ******* people off or ruining relationships or feeling ashamed of something I may have done. I find some of it hipocritical also because there is this unacceptability of tradegy or chaos or problems. Like we are supposed to be happy or desrve to be happy. I find it so arrogant to that we are some how entitled to these things. They are gifts that not everyone gets. I certinly do not expect it unless I am manic of course hahaha. But even then I can't fully enjoy it because it isn't "socially acceptable" which just perpetuates me feeling like something is wrong with me. I know theoretically something is, but isn't something wrong with everyone to varying degrees? I am sick of trying to contain and control my feelings or thoughts or desires so that I am not "too much" or "scare someone off" if a person can't handle my "intesity" is that a person I really want in my life? I am open and accepting to others flaws because I have compassion for those that suffer, but why can't the same be returned? I do not feel sorry for myself, I just feel victimized by sociatal rules. The worst part is that I have tried so hard to be "normal" and hide my illness, I am surronded by people that make me feel shameful for doing anything outside the prescribed behavior. Although I have worked so hard to have my life a certain way, it is not what I really want because it is not representative or in line with my values or personality. Yes, life is complicated and am not sure what to do from here. I guess I should up my meds.. hahaha