Long Road to a Correct Diagnosis
i've been diagnosed bipolar my whole life and as an adolecent, i was on meds from age 5 to 18. i was highly over medicated for most of my childhood and i spent 5 years of it incarserated within the juvenile system including both jails and treatment facilities. i have had many many many (more than 23) incorrect and later discarded diagnosis other than the one everyone (theripists, staff and docs) all shared, which was bipolar dissorder. ive been on over 65 different medications and at one point i was on 20 different pills a day. it was rediculous with every different med i tried i got a whole new spectrum of side effects. i didn't know which way was up let alone if what i was feeling was really me so of course i was misdiagnossed and utterly lost.
the one thing i felt for sure throughout my entire life, was that i was not bipolar. it was too extreme for what i was experiencing day to day and i didn't exibit enough of the markers for me to be satisfyed with that diagnosis, but i also (with my own research) didn't find anything else that quite matched what i was. i knew something was wrong or unbalanced, but i was a kid locked up with rules and meds i was required to take with no access to the proper avenues or unbiased opinions to look to. when your in the system your reccord follows you i.e. every theripist that ever talked to me for an hour or more from day one on wrote chart notes and gave opinions and every on after went off of my reccords and charts and past notes, diagnosis, and opinions of those psychs that came before them- not me or what i said. i learned very quickly that it was easier to say what people wanted then to try and figure out what was real. my motto used to be "i don't talk to people who get paid to listen".
it took me a long time (because im stubborn as hell) to decide to conform, and play the right kind of games to get me out, but i did at the age of 17. i was paroled and i stopped all meds because i finially could. and for the first time in too many years i felt my own feelings. boy was it different!
i went a couple years just trying to manage my feelings without anything or any one and i was doing ok enough to live life until i had my daughter. i was living with my father (who has always been the first to tell me somethings wrong with me) and i developed post pardom depression alongside all the feelings that come frome being trapped within my fathers house and his words. i decided for my daughters sake that maybe i should just concede to the fact i did need more help then just managing things myself and trying to stay rational (which was working for the most part prior to this). i went to two different docs and the seccond one i found i liked. she seemed genuine which i hadent found before. any way, we tried 2 or three different meds all failing with the last one having a side effect of retartive disconisia (sp horribly) it scared the crap out of me and it was all too much. i remembered that there was a reason i stopped taking meds. i stopped going, but the one good thing that came out of going back to see someone, was what i feel is a true diagnosis. i am bipolar type two.
currently i am on no medication. i'm out of my fathers grip. i live with my wonderfully supportive, loving husband patrick and our beautiful, sensitive, charismatic little girl araya (whos smile makes my world go round btw), and im happy. i mean i still have sad days and mood swings every now and then, but im managing it all with out medication, or a theripist. i am so much more content with my life. and more and more when negitive thoughts or feelings occur, im finding new ways to deal with them and new ways to catch myself before i fall down whatever slippery slope presents itself... its a slow process but im doing it. all the while being bipolar type two. high five for me!