Engagement Causing Relapse

Hello, my name is Steven. I'm kind of afraid to really describe my situation, cause of my distrust that someone I know may be reading this and judge me. I am a sophomore at a private college. I'm also 19. I recently got engaged, and it's causing me to relapse. My former doctor diagnosed with Bipolar II w/ psychotic features. My mood swings have been coming back since the engagement. I've been in a mixed episode for about 6 months. Everything is kind of going downhill. My depression is killing me. New fears that I've never had are just showing up. For example, I get anxious when I'm near fire, or in the dark. When it's dark, I have a feeling that someone is out to get me, and they are in my room watching me. Near fire, I feel like someone is going to throw me into the fire. I am afraid of what will happen in the future, cause of my past. I used to be a cutter. I am afraid to be alone as well. I don't even trust my friends anymore. The worst thing is I snap at people. I snap at my fiancee, parents, brother, everybody. I am afraid they will ship me off to some mental hospital. The worst thing is no health insurance, so I can't even see a doctor. I can't think clearly either. I mix up words in sentences, and sometimes I'll forget what I am talking about mid sentence. Writing is easier, cause I can see what I wrote if I forget. I don't even feel like talking to anybody anymore. Every time I talk to somebody, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach. I get irritable if I don't have at least sometime to myself each day. That decreases my ability to control anger. It's getting hard for me to function. Could this one event really cause this many problems?
xxxscreamoxxx xxxscreamoxxx
1 Response Jul 30, 2010

i'm quite a bit older than you but can empathize with you - the fears can be debilitating. i also am afraid of the dark and of fire and of many, many other things. however, i still cut myself - how did you stop? you really should find time for YOU each day. i just learned this - mine is going to the park and walking while listening to my mp3 - for you it may be different - besides i'm 50 yrs old so our tastes will be quite different LOL - you need to find a way to control your anger as that can escalate to physical anger. the only place i know to go for that is anger management counciling. i hope you can get help for that and pray God will help you.