Rollarcoaster To EnlightenmentThursday morning I had my last manic adventure spent on Excelsior beach, I decided to go swimming and feed the fish. So far this year I’ve only gone there a few times because I hardly ever have manic episodes. I used to go and watch the sunrise at least once a week by myself, It was the only time that I ever felt at peace. I felt like I had the whole world to myself, I loved to see it all wake up. It made the sleepless nights much more barable, I loved it. They gave me short glimpses of sanity in my insane life. I sleep seven days a week now but every couple weeks my racing thoughts will prevent me from sleeping. Mania is like getting an addrenaline shot right before bed, it’s really annoying and also very inconvenient. I’ve spent countless nights to myself waiting to fall asleep but the sound of my pulsing brain prevented it from ever happening. The doctors told me that the only solution was medication but that isn’t true. So far I have overcome three mental disorders in the past six months, and that’s without the help of a presciption or a psychologist.
My first documented episode was when I was eleven years old, it happened while I was writing in my diary. It was past my bedtime but I was writing in my journal describing the amount of unexplainable energy that I had. I wanted to do everything at once and was far too excited to sleep. I didn’t get diagnosed with bipolar until I was sixteen years old but it took me awhile to even understand what bipolar actually was. For a long time I was under the impression that it was just a series of mood swings that causes people to be crabby one minute and happy another. I think that a lot of people think of bipolar that way. However, it’s actually a period of an intense elevated mood followed by a depression. The highs can last for a few days or even up to a couple weeks, they are characterized by an hightened amount of energy or irritation. Their racing thoughts may cause somebody to feel ontop of the world so they have very little self control. Often times they are very productive during these episodes and will have a little need for sleep. Their sudden flight of ideas or spiritual experiences cause them to have grandious thoughts but these thoughts are never consistent.
My hypomanic episodes became more frequent when I was in highschool but at that time I did not mind it. I would leave school to go look at the trees or go on runs in the middle of the day. I would often times stay up all night because I was so excited for tomorrow. I was always talking really fast and set goals that were unobtainable like being the first person in cyber space. I would never follow through with these plans though, it didn’t take a lot to distract me. I was a total type A personality, I was always rushing. My therapist constantly told me to go on medication but I refused. I didn’t like the idea of medicating myself especially since I wasn’t willing to admit that my bipolar was a problem. After awhile I started to spend my manic nights driving myself insane so it was no longer pleasurable for me. My energy levels were quite disturbing but there was always something preventing me from using medication.
I felt that my mania was what made me stand out amoung the crowd, at least that’s what I thought when I was stuggling with bipolar. I figured that if I were to take medication I would have lost myself as well as all of my creative ideas. I was so accustomed to being depressed so whenever I did get manic I felt happy. The happiness associate with bipolar is very intense though and causes us to have thoughts that are not consistent with reality. I often felt like I wasn’t even seeing what other people saw, all of my surroundings were so surreal. I felt like I was in a pixar movie half the time, it was hard to ignore. When my friends would be pointing out hot guys at the park I’d be pointing out cool trees. I would point them out as if there were some decorative lighting on them but there never was. People that spent a lot of time with me would eventually start seeing it too but I prefered to spend my manic episodes alone. I liked to drive around in the middle of the night or watch the sunrise on a lifeguard chair to take in the beauty.
My tired eyes usually prevented me from excesive amounts of physical activity during those hours but my mind was always racing. I loved the Minnesota summers because I was able to spend those mornings outside reflect on my life. The winters were unbarable for me though because I usually got seasonal depression. The cold made the manic comedowns even worse, sometimes I felt like I was coming down off of drugs. My self-esteem would go down the drain and my ability to concentrate and remember things would be even worse. I usually had trouble getting out of bed to go to work or school, I’ve lost quite a few jobs because of it. The only reason that I even graduated when I did was because I freaked out at a teacher who wasn’t being sympathetic towards my sleep habits. Luckily the principle liked me so he made sure that I passed. I felt bad about myself quite a bit so I would spend money on things that I didn’t need to make myself feel better. My life was completely unmanageable but I was still expected to fit in and function in this world. I was so self-conscious that for awhile I thought that maybe if I wore nice clothes that I would fit in better.
Even though I hated myself quite a bit when I did feel ontop of the world felt that nothing could ever harm me. I laughed at death, I would intentionally live on the edge just to get a rush. I would drive wrecklessly saying that I wouldn’t die because then I couldn’t fulfill my destiny. One night I visited a friend at her school and left in a completely manic state after freaking out at her because she was giving me bad vibes all night. I was about an hour away from the cities and I took the route that went around the bluffs over a river. I had the car on cruise control and was sitting like a pretzel making sharp turns through the fog laughing hysterially. I was completely insane but that’s what I did for fun back then. I had quite drinking for a few months during that time so my manic episodes were the main source of my entertainment. I saw a psychic and realized that I should probably cool it and go on medication. She didn’t have to say anything about my energy but I just knew. I couldn’t keep living like that, I was totally disconnected from the world. I was living with my friends parents during that time and I realized how screwed up my life actually was. I started to do a lot of personal reflection and I didn’t like where my life was headed. I’m such an ambitious person that the thought of turning into another insane person terrified me.
My only shot of doing something with my life was to take pills to cover up my problems. I figured it worked for everybody else so I might as well just give it a try. Even though I was sleeping better I still had a really tough time managing my moods. Just the though of having to take medication to fit in made me really depressed. My borderline went undiagnosed but I tried my best to get through the semester with passing grades. I thought that the pills made me depressed so I switched medications. The ones I switched to were not as affective and I realized that soon after. During that time I read Kay Jamison’s book on bipolar disorder called, ”An Unquite Mind” and saw all of the symptoms creep back into my life. I cut back on the drinking so it grew really hard for me to sleep because I had so much energy. I’d have periods of intense productivity followed by periods of laziness or slumber. One day I even wrote in a 70 page notebook from front to back without stopping. It took me a very long time but time doesn’t matter to somebody in a manic state.
My roommate was probably quite confused by my actions, I only slept five nights a week last semsester. I figured that I’d just sleep less often but sleep for longer periods when I did sleep. That’s a hard schedule to stick to though, especially as a full time college student. I was in my own little world, I got really weird for awhile. I was constantly laughing uncontrollably for no reason other than my own insane thoughts. I had to quite going to my job because I was freaking people out too much. In my english class I was pretty much trying to start a revolution infront of the entire class. The teacher definitely sent an email to all of the advisors the next day, I heard from a couple of them a few days later. She said that it was because I was highlighting stuff for another class but I know that it was because I was completely obnoxious. I didn’t do very well in any of my classes because of it, I don’t need a degree to do what I want to do though.
In December I watched a youtube series that changed my life, it’s called ‘Bipolar or Waking Up’. When I saw it I instantly was able to relate to all of the things that were said. Sean Blackwell, the guy that made them actually calls bipolar ‘I can’t be me disorder’ which makes perfect sense. I always knew that bipolar had to do with human evolution but I was never able to find anything that proved it. The presentation is quite long but it was very helpful and very informative. There is definitely a spiritual reason behind bipolar disorder that the psychiatrist’s fail to recognize. Kay Jamison is a very well known psychiatrist in the field and struggles with bipolar herself. In her book she described one of her manic episodes as a journey into space. She was flying around Saturn and even though it was only in her mind she said it was an incredible feeling. What she actually experienced is called an astral projection, people do it all the time.
Usually the people that do develop bipolar are bored of reality and their spiritual experiences help them create a new one. Their ego collapses and it causes a radical change in their lives but their behavior usually goes against social norms. Their mind switches form their ego to their true self, not quite certain of which one they really are. They start questioning the labels that define them and their mind starts to seek out something better. During a manic episode the individual dives into their subconscious mind and obviously it effects their mood. Mania is a very spiritual experience and most of the people that do exprience it all have common symptoms. They feel an incredible amount of love towards nature and other people. Many even believe that they have a significant purpose because they feel so different than everybody else. The reason for this though is that normal people are finally starting to evolve to have a christ consciousness. They automatically are able to relate to the christ or a specific saint and some women even believe that they are going to give birth to the christ. In a way though they sort of are, they’re giving birth to themselves. The reason that they believe that they are different is because they are different, it’s rational for them to believe that because they usually don’t know anybody else that is experiencing the same thing. Even though their ego causes them to come to drastic conclusions once they do transend the egoic mind they will discover what their spiritual purpose actually is. Their sense of timelessness is more of an advantage than a shortcoming, it’s good that they don’t let it control their lives. Many people will even loose all shame and will often expose themselves like I started to do. I can see how that would be a problem in todays world but I don’t think that there is anything wrong with thinking that God is testing you because he actually does. Although these acts don’t fit in with social norms there is reason why they believe the things that they do and mental illness has nothing to do with it.
Many people with bipolar mania have had significant experiences that are some how related to death or rebirth. Although sometimes they take them seriously the meaning behind these ideas are actually quite symbolic. What these experiences actually mean is that they must kill off their ego, it is the thing that stands in the way of their fulfillment. Bipolar is definitely associated with enlightnment and these experiences help the individuals achieve it. Althought the thought of death was scary to me at first I knew that rebirth played an important role in my personal evolution. I understood it as sort of a suicide in which I would have to voluntarily kill off my old self in order to move onto the next level. When I was 18 I had an experience where I’ve actually felt like I was surrendering my life to God accepting that I was going to die just like he intended. When I was 19 I wrote a symbolic suicide note to my family saying that I was going into the unknown and that I needed to leave them. Luckily I refrained from sending it because they definitely would not have understood what I was actually trying to do. People with bipolar have a really tough time communicating with those that don’t because they speak in symbols and metaphores and normal people don’t.
The people that do not have bipolar or other spiritual interests disregard these events as meaningful simply because they do not understand them. They will accuse the person of being crazy or family members or friends will express their concerns. There is no way for the bipolar person to describe what is actually going on though. It’s almost like people with bipolar speak another language so it’s hard to get through to anybody. It’s especially hard to get through to the people in the psychiatric fields though. Psychiatrists forget to realize that some of the most profound spiritual influences thoughout history have had similar experiences to the ones associated with bipolar. These individuals have done so much for our world and their enlightenment was required of them. The feeling of being tested by God is an experience that will help the individual evolve. It’s just like a test in school, if you pass it shows you’ve learned something. I consider these tests to be like checkpoints and once I pass I have made it to the next level and can then be assigned a new mission. There is nothing wrong with thinking this way though, everything that is experienced is real to us. It happens when the person isn’t being completely influenced by their ego so they are able to have more significant experiences. The reason that we think that we can read minds or detect vibes is because we actually can. It’s really not that crazy if you think about it, it’s actually quite rational to believe it. We’re an evolved species and these divine gifts and experiences are bound to happen. Just because not everybody can yet doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with the individuals that does experiences it.
In some cases if you actually knew where somebody was coming from you’d be reacting the same way. Although that statement could easily be argued I believe it to be true about bipolar disorder. These experiences are incredible for an individual but so many people look down on them because of the way that they think or act. Their experiences seem more like fiction than real life so of course they’re gonna get excited. They shouldn’t be forced to try and be normal especially if there are spiritual solutions to help them adjust to their souls needs. They don’t want what other people want but there is nothing wrong with that. They have a greater understanding of the divinity of this world and unless somebody else sees it too their not going to be able to communicate it. I guess it’s like trying to explain the significance of rocket science to a less evolved caveman, it’s not going make sense to them. Everybody is on their own path and although bipolar may be a bumpier one it is necessary for them to take the journey anyways.
In order to get rid of their ego though it must first be expanded which is why there are usually gradious thoughts that are usually associated with bipolar. Even though these thoughts may be disturbing it’s nothing permanent, after a humbling experience the thoughts will go away. I’ve cured bipolar just through personal reflection and a change in my lifestyle, no medication was necessary. I now sleep seven days a week, and I don’t spend money on stuff that I don’t need. Occationally I have a sleepless manic night but it’s not scary or overwhelming. Instead of my brain pusling from my increased heart rate I can feel my crown chakra open up to connect me with my higher self. I get great ideas when I do experience this and usually will put them into action after a good nights rest.
I had an experience a couple weeks ago where I felt like I was finally being reborn and letting go of the old self. It was a sunny day and I was at the beach re-reading the seventh Harry Potter book. I was at the end where Harry willingly gives up his life to save the wizarding world. Voldemort’s spell was not successful and Harry ended up having a near death experience where he talks with Dumbledor. For awhile he thought that he was dead but the only thing that died was the part that wasn’t really him. When I was reading this the winds changed and out of nowhere comes a small rain cloud and starts sprinkling on me. To me this experience was very symbolic and more like a cleansing process rather than just a coincidence. I felt like I was being reborn and the ego was finally being washed away so that I could be whole. After ten years of suffering I can finally safely say that I am an enlightened being and my bipolar has helped me to make this perspective possible.
True freedom comes from consciousness and when somebody with bipolar chooses to become conscious they will choose to be sane as well. Even though some people think that I’m crazy now than I was before I know that there is nothing crazy about me. I guess it just shows how limiting the ego actually is, it definitely prevents people from having an open mind. The individuals that do have manic episodes are capable of having experiences that will cause them to be closer to God. That’s pretty amazing if you ask me and it shouldn’t be feared or frowened upon. The negative traits associated with bipolar go away once the person changes their lifestyle to better suit their needs. I still have a lot of energy so I make sure to go to the gym everday to get rid of it all. I love yoga and meditation and I also express myself through art and writing. I’ve been passing all of the tests that God gives me and I as a conscious being I know that these tests really do matter. I’d much rather listen to my heart and soul than to seek fulfillment through labels rather than truth.
Skyyyy 18-21, F 6 Responses 3 Aug 9, 2010