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Rollarcoaster To Enlightenment

Thursday morning I had my last manic adventure spent on Excelsior beach, I decided to go swimming and feed the fish. So far this year I’ve only gone there a few times because I hardly ever have manic episodes. I used to go and watch the sunrise at least once a week by myself, It was the only time that I ever felt at peace. I felt like I had the whole world to myself, I loved to see it all wake up. It made the sleepless nights much more barable, I loved it. They gave me short glimpses of sanity in my insane life. I sleep seven days a week now but every couple weeks my racing thoughts will prevent me from sleeping. Mania is like getting an addrenaline shot right before bed, it’s really annoying and also very inconvenient. I’ve spent countless nights to myself waiting to fall asleep but the sound of my pulsing brain prevented it from ever happening. The doctors told me that the only solution was medication but that isn’t true. So far I have overcome three mental disorders in the past six months, and that’s without the help of a presciption or a psychologist.
       My first documented episode was when I was eleven years old, it happened while I was writing in my diary. It was past my bedtime but I was writing in my journal describing the amount of unexplainable energy that I had. I wanted to do everything at once and was far too excited to sleep. I didn’t get diagnosed with bipolar until I was sixteen years old but it took me awhile to even understand what bipolar actually was. For a long time I was under the impression that it was just a series of mood swings that causes people to be crabby one minute and happy another. I think that a lot of people think of bipolar that way. However, it’s actually a period of an intense elevated mood followed by a depression. The highs can last for a few days or even up to a couple weeks, they are characterized by an hightened amount of energy or irritation. Their racing thoughts may cause somebody to feel ontop of the world so they have very little self control. Often times they are very productive during these episodes and will have a little need for sleep. Their sudden flight of ideas or spiritual experiences cause them to have grandious thoughts but these thoughts are never consistent.
        My hypomanic episodes became more frequent when I was in highschool but at that time I did not mind it. I would leave school to go look at the trees or go on runs in the middle of the day. I would often times stay up all night because I was so excited for tomorrow. I was always talking really fast and set goals that were unobtainable like being the first person in cyber space. I would never follow through with these plans though, it didn’t take a lot to distract me. I was a total type A personality, I was always rushing. My therapist constantly told me to go on medication but I refused. I didn’t like the idea of medicating myself especially since I wasn’t willing to admit that my bipolar was a problem. After awhile I started to spend my manic nights driving myself insane so it was no longer pleasurable for me. My energy levels were quite disturbing but there was always something preventing me from using medication.
        I felt that my mania was what made me stand out amoung the crowd, at least that’s what I thought when I was stuggling with bipolar. I figured that if I were to take medication I would have lost myself as well as all of my creative ideas. I was so accustomed to being depressed so whenever I did get manic I felt happy. The happiness associate with bipolar is very intense though and causes us to have thoughts that are not consistent with reality. I often felt like I wasn’t even seeing what other people saw, all of my surroundings were so surreal. I felt like I was in a pixar movie half the time, it was hard to ignore. When my friends would be pointing out hot guys at the park I’d be pointing out cool trees. I would point them out as if there were some decorative lighting on them but there never was. People that spent a lot of time with me would eventually start seeing it too but I prefered to spend my manic episodes alone. I liked to drive around in the middle of the night or watch the sunrise on a lifeguard chair to take in the beauty.
         My tired eyes usually prevented me from excesive amounts of physical activity during those hours but my mind was always racing. I loved the Minnesota summers because I was able to spend those mornings outside reflect on my life. The winters were unbarable for me though because I usually got seasonal depression. The cold made the manic comedowns even worse, sometimes I felt like I was coming down off of drugs. My self-esteem would go down the drain and my ability to concentrate and remember things would be even worse. I usually had trouble getting out of bed to go to work or school, I’ve lost quite a few jobs because of it. The only reason that I even graduated when I did was because I freaked out at a teacher who wasn’t being sympathetic towards my sleep habits. Luckily the principle  liked me so he made sure that I passed. I felt bad about myself quite a bit so I would spend money on things that I didn’t need to make myself feel better. My life was completely unmanageable but I was still expected to fit in and function in this world. I was so self-conscious that for awhile I thought that maybe if I wore nice clothes that I would fit in better.
        Even though I hated myself quite a bit when I did feel ontop of the world felt that nothing could ever harm me. I laughed at death, I would intentionally live on the edge just to get a rush. I would drive wrecklessly saying that I wouldn’t die because then I couldn’t fulfill my destiny. One night I visited a friend at her school and left in a completely manic state after freaking out at her because she was giving me  bad vibes all night. I was about an hour away from the cities and I took the route that went around the bluffs over a river. I had the car on cruise control and was sitting like a pretzel making sharp turns through the fog laughing hysterially. I was completely insane but that’s what I did for fun back then. I had quite drinking for a few months during that time so my manic episodes were the main source of my entertainment. I saw a psychic and realized that I should probably cool it and go on medication. She didn’t have to say anything about my energy but I just knew. I couldn’t keep living like that, I was totally disconnected from the world. I was living with my friends parents during that time and I realized how screwed up my life actually was. I started to do a lot of personal reflection and I didn’t like where my life was headed. I’m such an ambitious person that the thought of turning into another insane person terrified me.
       My only shot of doing something with my life was to take pills to cover up my problems. I figured it worked for everybody else so I might as well just give it a try. Even though I was sleeping better I still had a really tough time managing my moods. Just the though of having to take medication to fit in made me really depressed. My borderline went undiagnosed but I tried my best to get through the semester with passing grades. I thought that the pills made me depressed so I switched medications. The ones I switched to were not as affective and I realized that soon after. During that time I read Kay Jamison’s book on bipolar disorder called, ”An Unquite Mind” and saw all of the symptoms creep back into my life. I cut back on the drinking so it grew really hard for me to sleep because I had so much energy. I’d have periods of intense productivity followed by periods of laziness or slumber. One day I even wrote in a 70 page notebook from front to back without stopping. It took me a very long time but time doesn’t matter to somebody in a manic state.
          My roommate was probably quite confused by my actions, I only slept five nights a week last semsester. I figured that I’d just sleep less often but sleep for longer periods when I did sleep. That’s a hard schedule to stick to though, especially as a full time college student. I was in my own little world, I got really weird for awhile. I was constantly laughing uncontrollably for no reason other than my own insane thoughts. I had to quite going to my job because I was freaking people out too much. In my english class I was pretty much trying to start a revolution infront of the entire class. The teacher definitely sent an email to all of the advisors the next day, I heard from a couple of them a few days later. She said that it was because I was highlighting stuff for another class but I know that it was because I was completely obnoxious. I didn’t do very well in any of my classes because of it, I don’t need a degree to do what I want to do though.
         In December I watched a youtube series that changed my life, it’s called ‘Bipolar or Waking Up’. When I saw it I instantly was able to relate to all of the things that  were said. Sean Blackwell, the guy that made them actually calls bipolar ‘I can’t be me disorder’ which makes perfect sense. I always knew that bipolar had to do with human evolution but I was never able to find anything that proved it. The presentation is quite long but it was very helpful and very informative. There is definitely a spiritual reason behind bipolar disorder that the psychiatrist’s fail to recognize. Kay Jamison is a very well known psychiatrist in the field and struggles with bipolar herself. In her book she described one of her manic episodes as a journey into space. She was flying around Saturn and even though it was only in her mind she said it was an incredible feeling. What she actually experienced is called an astral projection, people do it all the time.
         Usually the people that do develop bipolar are bored of reality and their spiritual experiences help them create a new one. Their ego collapses and it causes a radical change in their lives but their behavior usually goes against social norms. Their mind switches form their ego to their true self, not quite certain of which one they really are. They start questioning the labels that define them and their mind starts to seek out something better. During a manic episode the individual dives into their subconscious mind and obviously it effects their mood. Mania is a very spiritual experience and most of the people that do exprience it all have common symptoms. They feel an incredible amount of love towards nature and other people. Many even believe that they have a significant purpose because they feel so different than everybody else. The reason for this though is that normal people are finally starting to evolve to have a christ consciousness. They automatically are able to relate to the christ or a specific saint and some women even believe that they are going to give birth to the christ. In a way though they sort of are, they’re giving birth to themselves. The reason that they believe that they are different is because they are different, it’s rational for them to believe that because they usually don’t know anybody else that is experiencing the same thing. Even though their ego causes them to come to drastic conclusions once they do transend the egoic mind they will discover what their spiritual purpose actually is. Their sense of timelessness is more of an advantage than a shortcoming, it’s good that they don’t let it control their lives. Many people will even loose all shame and will often expose themselves like I started to do. I can see how that would be a problem in todays world but I don’t think that there is anything wrong with thinking that God is testing you because he actually does. Although these acts don’t fit in with social norms there is reason why they believe the things that they do and mental illness has nothing to do with it.
          Many people with bipolar mania have had significant experiences that are some how related to death or rebirth.  Although sometimes they take them seriously the meaning behind these ideas are actually quite symbolic. What these experiences actually mean is that they must kill off their ego, it is the thing that stands in the way of their fulfillment. Bipolar is definitely associated with enlightnment and these experiences help the individuals achieve it. Althought the thought of death was scary to me at first I knew that rebirth played an important role in my personal evolution. I understood it as sort of a suicide in which I would have to voluntarily kill off my old self in order to move onto the next level. When I was 18 I had an experience where I’ve actually felt like I was surrendering my life to God accepting that I was going to die just like he intended. When I was 19 I wrote a symbolic suicide note to my family saying that I was going into the unknown and that I needed to leave them. Luckily I refrained from sending it because they definitely would not have understood what I was actually trying to do. People with bipolar have a really tough time communicating with those that don’t because they speak in symbols and metaphores and normal people don’t.
      The people that do not have bipolar or other spiritual interests disregard these events as meaningful simply because they do not understand them. They will accuse the person of being crazy or family members or friends will express their concerns. There is no way for the bipolar person to describe what is actually going on though. It’s almost like people with bipolar speak another language so it’s hard to get through to anybody. It’s especially hard to get through to the people in the psychiatric fields though. Psychiatrists forget to realize that some of the most profound spiritual influences thoughout history have had similar experiences to the ones associated with bipolar. These individuals have done so much for our world and their enlightenment was required of them. The feeling of being tested by God is an experience that will help the individual evolve. It’s just like a test in school, if you pass it shows you’ve learned something. I consider these tests to be like checkpoints and once I pass I have made it to the next level and can then be assigned a new mission. There is nothing wrong with thinking this way though, everything that is experienced is real to us. It happens when the person isn’t being completely influenced by their ego so they are able to have more significant experiences. The reason that we think that we can read minds or detect vibes is because we actually can. It’s really not that crazy if you think about it, it’s actually quite rational to believe it. We’re an evolved species and these divine gifts and experiences are bound to happen. Just because not everybody can yet doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with the individuals that does experiences it.
        In some cases if you actually knew where somebody was coming from you’d be reacting the same way. Although that statement could easily be argued I believe it to be true about bipolar disorder. These experiences are incredible for an individual but so many people look down on them because of the way that they think or act. Their experiences seem more like fiction than real life so of course they’re gonna get excited. They shouldn’t be forced to try and be normal especially if there are spiritual solutions to help them adjust to their souls needs. They don’t want what other people want but there is nothing wrong with that. They have a greater understanding of the divinity of this world and unless somebody else sees it too their not going to be able to communicate it. I guess it’s like trying to explain the significance of rocket science to a less evolved caveman, it’s not going make sense to them. Everybody is on their own path and although bipolar may be a bumpier one it is necessary for them to take the journey anyways.
        In order to get rid of their ego though it must first be expanded which is why there are usually gradious thoughts that are usually associated with bipolar. Even though these thoughts may be disturbing it’s nothing permanent, after a humbling experience the thoughts will go away. I’ve cured bipolar just through personal reflection and a change in my lifestyle, no medication was necessary. I now sleep seven days a week, and I don’t spend money on stuff that I don’t need. Occationally I have a sleepless manic night but it’s not scary or overwhelming. Instead of my brain pusling from my increased heart rate I can feel my crown chakra open up to connect me with my higher self. I get great ideas when I do experience this and usually will put them into action after a good nights rest.
          I had an experience a couple weeks ago where I felt like I was finally being reborn and letting go of the old self. It was a sunny day and I was at the beach re-reading the seventh Harry Potter book. I was at the end where Harry willingly gives up his life to save the wizarding world. Voldemort’s spell was not successful and Harry ended up having a near death experience where he talks with Dumbledor. For awhile he thought that he was dead but the only thing that died was the part that wasn’t really him. When I was reading this the winds changed and out of nowhere comes a small rain cloud and starts sprinkling on me. To me this experience was very symbolic and more like a cleansing process rather than just a coincidence. I felt like I was being reborn and the ego was finally being washed away so that I could be whole. After ten years of suffering I can finally safely say that I am an enlightened being and my bipolar has helped me to make this perspective possible.
         True freedom comes from consciousness and when somebody with bipolar chooses to become conscious they will choose to be sane as well. Even though some people think that I’m crazy now than I was before I know that there is nothing crazy about me. I guess it just shows how limiting the ego actually is, it definitely prevents people from having an open mind. The individuals that do have manic episodes are capable of having experiences that will cause them to be closer to God. That’s pretty amazing if you ask me and it shouldn’t be feared or frowened upon. The negative traits associated with bipolar go away once the person changes their lifestyle to better suit their needs. I still have a lot of energy so I make sure to go to the gym everday to get rid of it all. I love yoga and meditation and I also express myself through art and writing. I’ve been passing all of the tests that God gives me and I as a conscious being I know that these tests really do matter. I’d much rather listen to my heart and soul than to seek fulfillment through labels rather than truth. 
Skyyyy Skyyyy 18-21, F 11 Responses Aug 9, 2010

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While reading your story (and the responses from others), there were so many points that brought tears to my eyes. I had no idea that other people with the same/strikingly similar experiences as me actually existed. I was officially diagnosed as Bipolar in 2009, but I know that I've been this way all my life. It's been 9 years since my first full-on manic experience and I spent a good chunk of that time trying to make myself believe the scripted medical explanation that my numerous psychiatrists have fed me. I've had a total of 4 completely manic episodes (that each led to time at psychiatric health facilities) and the highlight of each were a heightened spiritual awakening and the distinct feeling of being extremely close to God. It was as though His very light and warmth were radiating through my body. I felt understood, exhilarated in the best possible way and LOVED. When I tried to explain this to my shrinks, their responses were always cold and robotic, devoid of any sensitivity or human compassion. Although I did make honest attempts at absorbing "scientific" and "medical" reasoning, I always knew that there was something else to it. Something far greater. Something that the DSM and any M.D. or Psy.D would never be able to explain. Science will never be able to understand or explain the depth and power of the immortal soul or the road to enlightenment. As an educated person, this is difficult to accept but I am finally learning how to shed the chains of my "ego" and let my true self shine through. I have stopped viewing my "condition" as a disorder and now know for a fact that it is a blessing. Thank you so much again. Peace & love to everyone reading this <3

Hello Sky, My name is Corey and I happened to stumble upon your entry when I had typed in Bipolar Disorder or Spiritual Experiences? For the first time in my life I feel like I am not alone. What I mean by this is that I have found someone that actually accepts the fact the they don't have a disorder that hinders them. I related to everything that you talked about and have often thought about our sub consciousness creating connections to tap into the unseen realm. I always thought there has to be something more! As I myself went to college and learned a vast amount of knowledge I didn't necessarily find what I was looking for until my senior year.I had a life altering experience that has shaped the rest of my life. I came to a realization that I had to hypothetically kill myself to evolve just like you were talking about. It was crazy dramatic and I won't get into details but would love to!, Ha ha. During this time period it was as if everything up into that point in my life synthesized into on cohesive ball of knowledge and my brain was ignited. Much like a clock's gears, the little ones turning the bigger ones.I have also felt as though a lot of this was directly related to spiritual enlightenment or divine guidance or a sign that I was on some sort of frequency level that enabled me to connect with the world on a much more meaningful level. I have had a lot of troubles with the law, drugs, drinking and living on the edge because it made me feel more alive. I am starting to understand the psychology behind these actions now that I have had time to reflect. Despite what psychiatrist's and other people's opinions are I am starting to realize as you did, that we are a special breed and we are not crazy! Thank you so much for your story, Corey.

Everything you said resonated with me. Now I just want to know where do I go from here? How do I use my gifts? I just wish the people around me understood me.

Wow! my journey tonight started with revisiting the concept of conscious evolution, I've steered very clear of this kind of subject since my breakdown and subsequent bipolar diagnosis eight years ago. For eight years I've denied that what happened to me was spiritual, after all I've been formally diagnosed haven't I? Yes, but still the nagging questions about what happened to me, what it all meant and why?. This article has opened me up, I'l share what happened to me in the hope it helps someone else and to show tangible evidence of the likelihood that Bipolar is indeed linked to spirtitual enlightenment. I can't share this with people around me or loved ones because they just won't get it and worse might think I'm getting ill, so by day I'm moira the bipolar , by night I'm a free spirit, free to believe whatever I choose to believe, so, lets keep this between us.

8 years ago my life had fell apart, my second marriage broke up after only six months, I had no job, three children and a huge rent to pay. theres too much to write so I will list in order what happened to me.
1) acknowledged my life was a pile of crap and I felt a failure
2) Questioned my identity, who was I? why did my life look like a car crash?
3) broke down on the floor and asked god what now?
4) fell into a deep sleep
5) woke feeling 'strange', suddenly the problems that had filled my mind had disappeared and replaced with a faith in God that I thought I had lost long ago.
6) started going on night walks
7) started noticing 'weird' occurances example, I would be privately thinking of a question to ask God and a person in the room would start to talk about that very same subject
8) I felt ALIVE, I felt I had communed with God and had an understanding that I was going to be tested
9) began avidly reading about different beliefs, read 80 books in a six month period, the books would jump out at me as if taking me on a journey.
10) was frequently woken by a strong shake to the head as if someone was pushing me to wake up.
11) ******** down the conditioning and layers to tackle the ego
12) accepted responsibility for where I was and further my contribution to the break down of relationships.
13) felt a joy so deep I had never felt except the days my three children were born.

This carried on for some months , but, everything changed, I felt wicked and bad for thinking God would speak to me, I became scared and in that followed a catastrophic breakdown where I tried to take my life in front of my kids, but!!! I didn't actually believe I had to I just had to show id be willing to.
I was hospitalised and then diagnosed.

I've lived with the diagnosis for 8years, but still the questions haunt me, was it real? or did I just lose touch with reality due to severe stress and trauma?

Well, heres the best bit.
Within weeks of leaving hospital I was being made homeless and had to ask council for a house, we moved to a new town where I didn't know a soul. Later that year my father died.
A year to the day that I moved here I met a guy, a guy like no other I had ever known, we have been together ever since and today I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and do not recognise the woman I was prior to all of this.
I devote my life to being there for him, my kids my friends and anyone who needs a kind ear. My ego is virtually dead and I am true to myself. But what about what happened? well, it changed my life for the better, my life is full of little miracles and I thank god everynight. Im big into the idea of conscious evolution but wouldn't dream of telling my psychiatrist haha.

So, questions questions, I avidly watch my life unfold to reveal new and wonderous things, whatever happened changed my life for the better, bipolar or not.

Hope this helps

Hey man my name's cameron and I really related to your post on the experience ptoject. I too was diagnosed bipolar a year ago after having one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. But because my ego was no where to hold me in check with "reality". I ended up being committed to institution after to institution believing it was all just a test from God. Eventually, after all the psych wards and people expressing concern for my situation, I eventually lost steam and came down from that high onto a fit of depression because I lost what seemed the most important change in my life. Then my ego sat back in and told me I was stupid for how I acted making me feel even more ******. My question us is it possible to maintain that state of being or is there some lesson I should learn that'd make me feel better

I have gained a little spiritual insight during manic episodes. But that insight is insignificant in comparison to the havoc that has been wrecked in my life and damage to interpersonal relationships and burned bridges in careers in the decades before diagnosis and medication. Whether or not to take medication should be a personal decision, keeping in mind that bipolar illness is one that tells the individual "I ain't got it."

hey man, i was searching for bipolar enlightenment on google and found this! my bipolar episodes were very spiritual and related to awakening of the kundalini.

i told the doctors and nurses but none of them knew what i was talking about and none of them believed me.

i had to flee to india from los angeles because i don't have a job and don't have any health insurance, and i don't have any friends either.

so i am living in a remote place in india, a pyramid meditation commune where they don't believe in medicines.

but i feel so lonely and haven't met anyone my age. i feel totally depressed and have been feeling this way the whole day and night for like a week now.

i have been depressed for the past 5 months too, ever since i got out of that hell they call rehab, which is a nice word for mental institution.

i just want to get a nice girlfriend and enjoy my life and enjoy my spiritual experiences.

it's like there is nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. i feel like just moving to some mountain somewhere and being off meds.

i truly think Jesus and Krishna and Siva and all these people were bipolar. i mean it's a spiritual condition.

i don't have any friends, and if anyone wants to get in touch with me please email me at djsiva at gmail.

i am 30 years old and an ivy league graduate with a masters in banking and finance and an MBA.

thanks.

I'm 18 years old been struggling with bi polar and in denial, had my first episode at the beginning of this year when I was 17 and I felt all this re-birth and spirituality, but occasionally my own and others worry and egotistical beliefs got in te way and my experience turned to anger at the world. Then I got admitted to a mental hospital and force fed medication for almost two months and treated like i was naive and had an over active mind full of bogus thoughts. obviously on top of this the mediaction also made me depressed and i had what they called the mania 'hangover' Most horrible experience in my life. My distrot but clueless family eventually managed to get me out of there. And from then on I have just buried the while experience embarassed ashamed and confused. It was like everyone just wanted me to erase it from my memory so it wouldn't happen again, I felt sick at the word mental illness because I had actually felt in control of it, I wasn't being attacked helplessly by some virus like the flu, I was actually consciously trying to clear out my life and manifest what I wanted. My family and I had been goin through a tough time when the episode started especially with money, I just wanted to get a job and start a new routine, I was aware some things I was saying appeared strange and not socially normal so I would adapt and even forgot about it some days but then I got impatient and wanted to just metaphorically blow up my life then fix it. But it's like after being out for 7/8 months I'm getting more ad more closed off burying this person, in nothingness. i had just found myself. And I am being forced I let go of it by labelling my true self an 'illness'. Ego is an illness. I wish I knew what to do now except drift along in life making sure i appear neither too happy nor too sad. but this article has given me a tin glint hope so thanks

hey, hang in there. i also was sent to a mental institution for 2 months this year, right after a lot of immense self-improvement.

i believe in you.

Yup,..I too have had these exact spiritual experiences,..especially in the last year. It is iMPOSSIBLE that we are all having these 'awakenings', which lead us to conclusions we've developed on our own, and it's just a coincidence. I hate feeling egotistical in any way, but I think it's fair to take some pride in being closer to God than other people. It's not just some thing I dreamed up in the booby hatch. I've had things happen to me that are absolutely unexplainable. God is on our side and I think we are all here to help with some very important transitions that will be occurring, slowly, in the next few decades. I also think we 'chose' to be here. If you are reading this, and you relate, check out everything related to 'Indigo children'. The same set of shared experiences and beliefs are common to people labeled as Indigo. If you are Bipolar and you 'get it' hit me up at seanpa4@gmail.-Peace

Spot on, I feel EXACTLY the same. There has got to be something in this....... so many of us share the same thoughts and beliefs, before we even knew about other bipolar sufferers. I read other peoples experiences and the hair on the back of my neck stands. can we all be wrong? I think not. And the sooner these so called professionals start taking serious notice the better for us all. <br />
<br />
Just because we have failed to adapt to a destructive society does not make us mentally ill.

Thank you so much for sharing this.... I can relate to so much that you are saying. This has been a lifelong thing for me and I know that it is completely uncontrolled right now, and I need help. <br />
It's nice to see someone else's take on bipolar. I sure wish I was in a happy state right now, I'd probably write 14 pages to you on how much a appreciate you being who you are :)<br />
As it is, I lay here on my bed and search for a reason to keep breathing.<br />
<br />
Again, thank you for sharing your story and thoughts :)

I'm right there with you , this story was like a light shining showing me how to get out of the darkness i am in now. Understanding not to be ashamed of my last manic episode but understanding what it was. The youtube videos are the bomb dot com. I hope you start to feel better Starla.

a friend once told me that she believes it is possible to eliminate all negative thought. I believe it too because i had been there once before and it led to a manic episode haha, it was amazing, but i did not know how to handle it and my friends thought i was possessed, i thought i was Jesus, needless to say it was a bit of a mess. But i am going to try to get back there , **** negative thoughts, it is possible to live free of them. So i am going at it again, and if you wanna just say **** it and try too, i really hope you do. much love