Try Walking A Mile In Others Shoes

Where to being, I tend to ramble and jump from topic to topic, but here goes... I'm 43, been married twice and have 2 grown children and a granddaughter. Life should be great for me and I should be contend to some degree at this stage of my life. Not! I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with severe manic depression but have been manic now looking back for as long as I can remember, put on numerous medications to some what stabilize my mood swings and sucidal tendancies. The psychiatrist told me he didn't want to diagnosis me with bipolar due to he didn't want me to be labeled. Funny huh! It amazes me that even some psychiatric professions still try to convience you that being bipolar is abnormal and something to almost be ashamed of being. I am still in hiding for the most part. I have only 2 true friends who have stuck by me for the past several years. They understand the mood swings to some degree, but not always. My family is wonderful but tend to stay away when I'm in "one of my moods!" I was in a relationship for 3 years up until a year ago, when i caught him cheating, and he blamed me and my driving him "crazy" for his infidelity. Now I live with one of my friends as a roommate, I am pretty much a loner. I was on medication but due to finacial situation and lack of medical insurance I am unable to pay for it. I am usually pretty good on most days. I cycle usually 15-20 times a day. I do work and I find that is sort of the outlet for me. I'm in my own little world (I do data entry) so it's not hard to make it thu a entire work day. It's when I come home and the loneliness starts in on me. My roomate is here but she has her own life with a boyfriend, she is also only 25 and deserves to have her own life instead of dealing with me all the time. I don't want to feel like i am a burden on her by my OCD and bipolarism, so I stay mainly in my room and read or write to my pen pal. Some days I feel like why in the Hell an I even here? I just occupy space. Also to add insult to injury, I have a terminal liver disease so I feel even more depressed about my whole lifes outcome. How can i expect someone to want to be with me long term when I have so many obsticals in my path. Dealing with one or two things could be somewhat manigable but numerous it gets to be overwhelming. My friend last night suggested that I seek out others who have the same issues as myself so I may not feel as tho I'm the only one who feels this way. Struggling on a daily basis to appear to be "normal" in society. It's like having to wear a Halloween mask everyday of your life so noone sees the real you. I don't know if any of you feel the same way, but I am looking to find others who I can be myself with, not be judged, called crazy and will truely understand the highs and lows of my minuetly struggles.
aurorastarlight aurorastarlight
41-45, F
5 Responses Apr 10, 2011

I feel for you. I'm also bipolar. Luckily for me, I was in the service, so I can get my medication from the VA. I really respect the fact that you're coping. I know it's not easy. Before my meds I was homeless and in and out of jail. Stay strong and take care. PM me anytime if you get the notion.

Its a great thing to be able to express yourself and get support, I know that it feels like were not normal and to most were not but we are normal just got an issue we cant control when we are manic. I know that for me my mania results in anger and it sucks and people think im crazy but im normally a very loving person and it gets me upset when people talk to me like im stupid because in reality im a very smart person... Just know that even tho your feeling like a spiral going down hill at least your not alone and you do have support..

I am very appreciative of the support. I have continued to spiral down hill over the past few months and just making it through the day has become an obstical. Just knowing that there are others who know what I am feeling and going thru helps. i have always said you can know really what a person feels until you have walked in their shoes. I have read many of the stories here and felt as if I too had wrote them. It's amazing to me. I have felt so alone for so long and too now have people who truely understand is so reassuring. Thank you so much!

I understand where you are as i am the same and accept you as you your bipolar is something you cant control so it cant be used against you! There is always hope its just hard for us to remind ourself.

reading your story, i swear i could have written it! the loneliness is bad but not being able to sit still is worse. i too was off meds for 6 months due to money issues but am back on after my most recent hospital stay. know that you are not alone, though you are wise not to "broadcast" your issues. the world just isn't ready for us yet. i am here with many many others, and we do understand.