Try Walking A Mile In Others ShoesWhere to being, I tend to ramble and jump from topic to topic, but here goes... I'm 43, been married twice and have 2 grown children and a granddaughter. Life should be great for me and I should be contend to some degree at this stage of my life. Not! I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with severe manic depression but have been manic now looking back for as long as I can remember, put on numerous medications to some what stabilize my mood swings and sucidal tendancies. The psychiatrist told me he didn't want to diagnosis me with bipolar due to he didn't want me to be labeled. Funny huh! It amazes me that even some psychiatric professions still try to convience you that being bipolar is abnormal and something to almost be ashamed of being. I am still in hiding for the most part. I have only 2 true friends who have stuck by me for the past several years. They understand the mood swings to some degree, but not always. My family is wonderful but tend to stay away when I'm in "one of my moods!" I was in a relationship for 3 years up until a year ago, when i caught him cheating, and he blamed me and my driving him "crazy" for his infidelity. Now I live with one of my friends as a roommate, I am pretty much a loner. I was on medication but due to finacial situation and lack of medical insurance I am unable to pay for it. I am usually pretty good on most days. I cycle usually 15-20 times a day. I do work and I find that is sort of the outlet for me. I'm in my own little world (I do data entry) so it's not hard to make it thu a entire work day. It's when I come home and the loneliness starts in on me. My roomate is here but she has her own life with a boyfriend, she is also only 25 and deserves to have her own life instead of dealing with me all the time. I don't want to feel like i am a burden on her by my OCD and bipolarism, so I stay mainly in my room and read or write to my pen pal. Some days I feel like why in the Hell an I even here? I just occupy space. Also to add insult to injury, I have a terminal liver disease so I feel even more depressed about my whole lifes outcome. How can i expect someone to want to be with me long term when I have so many obsticals in my path. Dealing with one or two things could be somewhat manigable but numerous it gets to be overwhelming. My friend last night suggested that I seek out others who have the same issues as myself so I may not feel as tho I'm the only one who feels this way. Struggling on a daily basis to appear to be "normal" in society. It's like having to wear a Halloween mask everyday of your life so noone sees the real you. I don't know if any of you feel the same way, but I am looking to find others who I can be myself with, not be judged, called crazy and will truely understand the highs and lows of my minuetly struggles.
aurorastarlight 41-45, F 5 Responses 0 Apr 10, 2011