Wish My Brain Would Shut The Hell Up!

Yep...i'm bipolar.  Bipolar 1, manic depressive if we want to get clinical.  It royally sucks.  Can't really put a sugar coating on what it is.  I was diagnosed right before I started a 2 year prison sentence.  I'd embezzled mass amounts of money from a company I had worked out, based off paranoid thoughts.  I never spent a dime of it, just hoarded it...was strange.  I didn't understand why I did that...I didn't get why I would yell and scream at people one moment and then turn around and want to make them a sandwich or something.  I was a crazy bish!  My bipolar flared up extremely bad when I went to prison.  I had paper charges, meaning basic charges, and was sentenced to the maximum security prison.  The judge did not like me.  In max. prison they don't really like giving out medication...so after seeing a psych INTERN they decided that I was not in fact bipolar, that I was just dramatic and instantly took me off my meds.  I spent 2 years of hell...all brought on mainly by my own head.  I came out different, I don't really know how to describe it...i'm just different now.  I guess this is what survivors feel like.  In prison, being off the meds, I was quite the disciplinary problem...I almost thought i'd never get out.  But of course it was prison, so I looked sane compared to everyone else. 
When I got home, I couldn't control my emotions, used to hide in the closet.  I went immediately to my doctor and started lamictal.  I'd used it prior and it made me feel sane and normal.  Added prozac to it and I felt like I could finally breathe again. 
My poor family had gotten so used to my outbursts, and bailing me outta jail...it became a routine.  When I was regulated on medication they didn't know how to handle a normal me.  It's funny, but sad too.  I wouldn't have survived my mind in prison if I didn't have them, we have a strong history of mental illness in our family, so they are all quite educated as to what the illness is and what is the real person.  I am very thankful for that.
I have children, who I montior for signs.  My mother and 2 siblings all have bipolar.  It's stricken our family without impunity. 
I take ambien at night bcuz I can not sleep.  My rapid cycling mind never shuts up.  I hate being manic...I can go from a high to a low all in the same day...same week...I can't have a consistant high or low like most bipolars.  It's frustrating.  I constantly have to tweak my mgs of lamictal to keep up with the changing moods...which I am thankful that lamictal...has the ability to do that since it digests within 24 hrs. 
Bipolar has riddled my life...hurt people in it with my lashing out and constant paranoia...it's caused such lvls of euphoria it's made me want to stay in the manic modes for the simple high i get off of it. 
I've been on meds for 5 years now...and i wouldn't give them up.  I've been crazy my entire life...the opportunity to feel sane and have the ability to fix problems...to follow thru on projects...little simple things like that ...make me feel so accomplished. 
So I dunno...could be a curse, could be a blessing...personally it's an abnormality and I try to use it to my advantage whenever possible.
m2extreme m2extreme
31-35, F
13 Responses Apr 26, 2011

I've learn to deal with the highs for 40 years. Years ago they labeled me a Uni-Polar.
When I'm going through a swing which often lasts 2 to 3 months, I hang on for the ride, no other choice really. I have rapid speech, sleep maybe 3 to 4 hours a night. The remainder of the time I study photography, I write children's stories, I paint. I take advantage of the increased IQ knowing my brain, in this state can retain amazing amounts of information.
I learned a long time ago to accept that I have this. When I was first diagnosed, I was fortunate to have met a psychiatrist who also dealt with bi-polar.He taught me to place it on the same level as any other illness people deal with, just that bi-polar offers unique challenges. It took years to accept this, my anger was amazing, I often had bouts of rage.

I see people's reaction to my constant chatter when I'm high, there's nothing I can do about it, I've developed a sense of humor when I talk to people, it seems to help. After the high comes to an abrupt stop, I crash. I can finally sleep. It takes fives days for my body and mind to recover. I thank the those that be that I don't have the lows. My heart goes out to each and every one of you that live with the depression each and every day. I experience three or four of these lows in the last 40 years. The fear that they will return haunts me often.

Thank you for opportunity to express these thoughts. It's lonely walking along this path when people don't understand what it's like. There's no way possible for anyone to know what a speeding brain or a depressed brain feels like. We do though.

Boy do I really wish I could just sit down and just talk to you about your life. I finally decided it was time to check in with the psychiatrist after 10 years of inexplicable highs and lows. I was diagnosed bi-polar as well - it wasn't really a shock to me, but it helped explain the insanity of it all. Everyone's bipolar story involves incredible achievement, some kind of altercation with the law, incredible lows and eventually the benefits of getting this problem under control. I am finally getting to the third stage so I can put this saga to rest.<br />
<br />
But here's the real kicker, I also used to "hoard" money for no apparent reason what so ever. After selling my motorcycles I simply left the cash in my fireproof safe. We are talking over $10,000 cash sitting in a safe for over four years. Some nights, I would just sit in my bedroom and count the money over and over again - I really liked the intricacy and texture of modern paper money - I almost considered it art. I told a couple very close friends about my "stash" and was immediately informed that such practices are highly unusual for a guy my age in my field of work. I finally took it to the bank, but I only imagine how many other similarities exist in our lives. I'm not just talking about you and I - I mean all people diagnosed with BP.

I read where u sad u cant have a constant High or Low like most bipolar people well... I have had only i manic episode and i have been depressed 4 two years. It sucks . I want to die everyday. i dont leave my house. no work no friends...nothing. I wish I could be happy sometimes...

Hi there and thanks for sharing your story. I've been on lamictal in the past, it kept me very upbeat for a while along with an antidepressant (citalopram), I might ask my doc if I can go on it again. I've had about a year and a half of feeling depressed day after day...I'm 50 and i seem to get less mania now but more depression. Factors in my life, personal circumstances which would pretty much depress anyone. Like having a depressed teen on my hands who was born as a result of my risky behaviour when I was manic. Talk about the chickens coming home to roost. I get so angry over this sometimes but I tend not to really let it out but turn it in on myself and beat myself up. A familiar story...<br />
<br />
Lately, sharing over here at EP has helped me let out some of my emotions and I do feel better for it. The most valuable thing is it reminds me that I'm not as alone as I often feel.<br />
<br />
Over here, no one is a waste of space. Everyone has something interesting within them to share...even me. You have to respect the human animal when you're finished loathing them. We're amazing aren't we? So complex. So many different facets to us, so many different dimensions of existence almost.<br />
<br />
Have to work on loving myself so I can again reach out and love someone else, even if it's just a passer by in the street.<br />
<br />
Best wishes to all who posted here. Chin up. X

The brain never shutting up or off for that matter, been there too many times *hugs* and hope no severe moods come your way and that its mild(er) for awhile. Other than that just ride the bi-polar wave with the rest of us, you know we need both the support and company!

Thank you- I got crazy-then they medicated all the manic out of me and for a year I have been so depressed I cry every day- Today I see another new dr. I feel some comfort in knowing I am not alone but I was to read of people getting better- well where they have regular emptions and don't have to be so damn gratefull to just get thru a day-to stop the shame and guilt over what I'm doing to my family-to always be afraid of who I'll offend or embarass- or what boundaries I'll cross. I've worked my whole life (as you all have) to just feel what THEY seem to feel-I don't want to do this anymore

Thanks for sharing your experience, I can relate. I was never diagnosed BP but the Dr was considering changing my dx in that direction, although I hope he doesn't. Lamictal has been very helpful in stablizing my mood swings. Being ADHD (primarily inattentive) often leads to no treatment apparently leads to BPD and fun stuff like that....or am I BP? The world may never know. Anyhow, thanks again, it is helpful to read an experience like yours, and know that there are many of us out there that suffer the same. Lamictal has been like a godsend for the anger outbursts and helping with impulse control, but still depressed as shoot....but then again I'm about to get a divorce after 7 years of conflict and misery. I should be happy as a clam I suppose, but I am grieving the loss of my percieved "family unit"....first my parents, now me.....guess I out to start my own rant. Again, thank you for your post, and may you be well.

I hear you, wish my brain would shut up too, there is always something going on in there just a constant never ending flow of thoughts. Makes life so hard to deal with quite often. Glad things have gotten better for you.

My brain won't shut up eather, so please know that you are not alone. Taking meds help somewhat, but I don't think I'm taking the right ones just yet.<br />
I'm also attending Group Therapy again, I find that very helpful to me. If you ever get the chance to attend any type of Counseling/Therapy please do so, I think you'll find it very helpful.

you're not alone, I snap on people for no damn reason, and than I apologize like 5 min later.

How many times I have written those exact same words a blessing and a curse People family do not understand even though they are a couple are anyway jealous of my abilities and I feel that at this point I have to cut one off I started yesterday and feel better without her in my life with all the drama <br />
Lamictal worked on depression but fed the mania so I was running manic most of the time with psychotic tendencies no paranoia thank God but money issues which I am trying to make back to th3e point where I left off 8 months ago had about 6 months mania spenta all of my savings so back to square one But I am doing better off of the med that did that to me They worry about depression too much I can handle them i am used to it up and down sometiems daily and the gut wrenching feeling of crashing but the mania is too dangerous I could not take another day of being awake it was going into months of no sleep so I took myself off told the doctor and that is that back to the beginning and I feel better saving money so far it has only been a day but it is a big accomplishment for me not to buy coffee all day I am doing better and I am happy to hear you know the walue of medication and have the courage to stick to it especially after prison it is difficult You gave me inspiration today and I thank you

I have been in the Mental Ward twice.My partner who had been to prison,used to comment he had it better.There were some scary people and some lovely people.You will stabilise eventually and get the right mix of meds.It took me eleven years but I'm better and want to help.

I feel like you . <br />
In lot you said.<br />
I did not go to jail.<br />
But I have been in State Hospital.<br />
And finally I am on medicine and have to take one if I get really bipolar.<br />
And the mantic come in . <br />
Then i can take a pill and go back where I should go.<br />
<br />
But growing up my family did not really wanted in thing with me.<br />
I was Retartart or crazy .<br />
<br />
Know what you are going through.<br />
<br />
It is hell when i have the bipolar and mantic and depression.<br />
<br />
Now i know I am not alone .<br />
Some one else is out has gone some thing gone throw.<br />
<br />
I am here for you . <br />
I can tell what I have gone throw and be there for you .<br />
<br />
good luck

i am bi and have a slight case of ADD so i almost feel you XD

i mint of .
And thank you for write to me .

i can do alot of things at once and not stay on just one thing.
thank you for write to me.