I Can't Keep Living Life Like This... If You Can Even Call It "living"

I was doing so good... I had a really bad depressive episode a few wks ago. I started drinking (I self medicate when I get like that).. I was drunk and hysterical. I couldn't stop crying.. all I could think about was taking my own life. It seemed like the only way to find peace. My boyfriend showed up and I told him everything.. i told him how bad I wanted to die and how depressed I was. I even begged him at one point to take me to a mental hospital and he told me to calm down. He said he didn't have the gas to take me there and he told I would be fine. He doesn't understand... I guess he thinks I'm just sad or upset and it will go away. He refuses to talk about his problems, he says there's no point, etc.

Anyways I have never been diagnosed, I have no health insurance, money, or job. I don't even have a ride to go talk to a doctor. But I know there is something wrong with me... I have highs and lows. Sometimes I get this energy out of nowhere, and I feel so much euphoria... that doesn't last long. It's usually followed by an extremely depressive state...where I'm the lowest I can possibly be. For the past 2 weeks though, I felt okay. I never feel happy or optimistic, I just feel "okay". As long as I don't think about killing myself I feel like I'm doing okay.

So I found out a few days ago I can't live at this house anymore. The only option I have at the moment is to leave my boyfriend, friends, and go live with my mom. I can already feel the depression coming back, I've been crying all day and freaking out.

I don't even know how I feel right now.. the thoughts are creeping back in my mind. I always say I will never kill myself because of how bad it would hurt my mom and grandma. I'm so ******* tired of living like this... and it seems like nobody understands. People just say I'm being sad it's normal. I know it's not normal because I've been depressed for at least 5 years now. I've been having these erratic mood swings ever since I was 13 or 14.

I just know I can't deal with this ****... I refuse to be like this the rest of my life. I would rather be dead honestly. I don't know what to do anymore... I feel like I'm at a dead end.
sillyginger sillyginger
22-25, F
5 Responses May 25, 2011

I've been treating my schitzophrenia and depression with as much nutrtion as I can shove down my throat. Eating a hell of a lot better and taking 15-18 supplements. That and a lot of self-therapy has got me a hell of a lot better than any doctor could get me. And for 1/10th the cost.

I know this is the worst advice ever but i never "beat" bipolar 2 disorder till i owned it. I spent years taking a cocktail of mood stailizers and antipsychotic and depressents but for me what was no way to live. I got better by self awareness and self disipline. Also i found an outlet that allows me to hit the realse valve when i get too angry or depressed.

I agree with obleena, next time you crash go to the ER! There you will get the care you need. Just tell them you are suicidal and they have to take you. They will probably only hold you for a few days, but they should get you in touch with people who can help you. But there is no uniform system of care, so it depends on where you live as to what kind of outpatient care you get.

next time you crash, go to the ER! scream, yell, cry, do what ever you have to to get their attention. remember, the squeeky wheel gets the grease. if they ask you if you want to kill yourself, say YES! you may be put into the hospitals mental ward, which can be scary, but they will start you on meds and they should be able to help you find a program to cover the cost or most of it. don't give up. you have to be you own advocate, don't wait for someone else to take you by the hand and lead you to help, it probably will never happen. good luck:-)

I'm really sorry for what you're feeling. It makes me even more sad because my best friend/boyfriend broke up with me a couple months ago and I know he goes through all that you've explained, but I know he tells himself what other people are telling you, that it's "normal." I think there is only a certain point to normalcy and if it's been going on for years and years and you still cannot come to a place of contentment, not contentment with okay with being just okay, but a place where you are actually pretty satisfied with life, there is a bigger problem.<br />
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My younger sister recently got diagnosed with bipolar. It's been hard seeing what she went through, but also I'm glad that my parents are the time to freak out and brought her into the ER which allowed her to receive that diagnosis and be on meds. They should be able to take you in if you are in danger to yourself and you can possibly find a way to get the state to pay. If you're not working and have no insurance, there are non-profit clinics or you can try applying for medicaid.<br />
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I really hope you get the help you need and deserve! I've been reading up a lot on bipolar and it makes me even more sad for people who go through disorders because it really is in the chemistry of the brain. Good luck!

First things first, don't blame yourself for your boyfriend breaking up with you. It's really frustrating when other people don't understand what you're going through. Like my boyfriend, it would make me angry because he didn't understand and never tried to. I guess in a way I was also kind of mad that he didn't try to help me even though there's nothing really he can do. I broke up with my boyfriend recently because I couldn't deal with it anymore, I can't with the fact every time I'm in one of those moods he just says "calm down" or "you'll be fine". I couldn't make him understand that these mood swings and depressive episodes won't just "go away", they might go away but they always come back. always.

I'm sorry that your boyfriend did that though, sometimes I do things and I don't even know why I did them. Like I don't understand myself sometimes sometimes I just feel like pushing people away.

I'm glad your sister got the diagnoses and meds that she needed. It is very sad to suffer from this horrible illness, especially when some people act like you are just faking it for attention or that you can control this and just make it go away.