I Can't Keep Living Life Like This... If You Can Even Call It "living"I was doing so good... I had a really bad depressive episode a few wks ago. I started drinking (I self medicate when I get like that).. I was drunk and hysterical. I couldn't stop crying.. all I could think about was taking my own life. It seemed like the only way to find peace. My boyfriend showed up and I told him everything.. i told him how bad I wanted to die and how depressed I was. I even begged him at one point to take me to a mental hospital and he told me to calm down. He said he didn't have the gas to take me there and he told I would be fine. He doesn't understand... I guess he thinks I'm just sad or upset and it will go away. He refuses to talk about his problems, he says there's no point, etc.
Anyways I have never been diagnosed, I have no health insurance, money, or job. I don't even have a ride to go talk to a doctor. But I know there is something wrong with me... I have highs and lows. Sometimes I get this energy out of nowhere, and I feel so much euphoria... that doesn't last long. It's usually followed by an extremely depressive state...where I'm the lowest I can possibly be. For the past 2 weeks though, I felt okay. I never feel happy or optimistic, I just feel "okay". As long as I don't think about killing myself I feel like I'm doing okay.
So I found out a few days ago I can't live at this house anymore. The only option I have at the moment is to leave my boyfriend, friends, and go live with my mom. I can already feel the depression coming back, I've been crying all day and freaking out.
I don't even know how I feel right now.. the thoughts are creeping back in my mind. I always say I will never kill myself because of how bad it would hurt my mom and grandma. I'm so ******* tired of living like this... and it seems like nobody understands. People just say I'm being sad it's normal. I know it's not normal because I've been depressed for at least 5 years now. I've been having these erratic mood swings ever since I was 13 or 14.
I just know I can't deal with this ****... I refuse to be like this the rest of my life. I would rather be dead honestly. I don't know what to do anymore... I feel like I'm at a dead end.
sillyginger 22-25, F 5 Responses 1 May 25, 2011