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Well Here's My Bi-polar Story.

Backtracking to the actual start would make this too long. So instead I'll jump to a few years before official diagnosis. I had mood swings, suicidal, erratic, manic, thoughts flying faster than bullets, paranoia, obsessing, extreme anger, could get by on very little sleep or could sleep for days. This went on for years, new i was different but couldn't explain how. Bad decision making even for a teenager. Thoughts weren't processed the same as most people. As a side note it wasn't helping that concentration was almost impossible. Plus IQ wise i tested for college in middle school, in comprehension, logic, but grade average for math. The combination of all these things leg to ALOT of confusion and frustration. Reluctantly started treatment, was put in a anti-depressant, which cycled me to a psychotic break that went to Mania, and i spent two weeks inpatient from that. Was diagnosed since i was 20, since then have been hospitalized 6 more times, I am now in my 30's. I did go through my share of P-docs, as with any doctor there are some bad eggs out there. I have had a hard time getting a med-cocktail that works effectively. The reason for this is complicated ...but I'll explain. If i had just the mood issues it would be a lot easier for me and the doctors to handle, unfortunately that is not the case. If i am on no meds or without the anti-psychotics, i will be delusional and paranoid. I will think the world is out to get me, and i will blame it on anyone close to me. Occurring along with that at the same time i can be depressed, hypo-manic,manic, or mixed. The pendulum swings back and forth, however i do tend to be more mixed episode than any other. I am also a rapid cycler, anywhere from a few times daily, to a full switch which tends to be about 2 weeks. At times i have more in common with Schizophrenics than Bi-polar, but i have symptoms of both really. The official diagnosis is Bi-polar type 1, with rapid cycling, and psychotic features. I honestly cannot recall a day i wasn't in some sort of stage from either. if its not some random mood, then I'm not making sense, being paranoid, and try as i might its not like i can just STOP and talk myself out of it. SO from suicidal thoughts to wouldn't this weird idea be FUN! to everything in between. As it turned out i had to stop working, not happy but even on a good day i was having problems containing things. Also my father, brother, two Aunts, a great-uncle, all have a variety of mental illnesses bi-polar 1,&2, and Schitzophrenia. i didn't find this out however until two years ago; and no one has the same diagnosis as me, but it obviously runs in my family. Currently I am on these Meds....., Lithium,Seroquel,Wellbutrin, Neurontin,Klonopin, and Zoloft. I live, I am glad my family is supportive even if they cant grasp that this condition ISNT the same for everyone. And i also am glad for my husband who is supportive, and even my pets that honestly help a lot in their own way. All the same i REALLY want a cure and for SOME of it to just stop. A reprieve would be GREAT even if i know thats not going to happen, I 'm just so exhausted from struggling every single DAY with something, and that WITH meds, its 150%worse without the meds. If it weren't for meds i would practically live inpatient, and how i WISH that wasn't the case.....I'm just exhausted from fighting all these things, but i cant stop because then the disease wins, but how i wish it could be. For now I'll just keep thinking some day...just someday.....
EllyLaineDevnet EllyLaineDevnet 31-35, F Apr 26, 2012

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