Im Not A Bad Person.........

Hi......
I was very recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 non-psychotic. Whats that mean to me? More than many can comprehend! I was diagnosed a very long time ago as a chronic depressive! Then was told I just need to get over it. I was never medicated for it! The beginning of this year I was at my breaking point and sought the conselling from a clinical social worker! After three months or weekly and sometimes twice weekly sessions she referred me to a community mental health service clinic!

I have spent a long time struggling. I have completely destroyed ny trust my husband has in me with no hope of repairing it! Because of this he has convinced me over the years that I am a bad mother, a horrible wife! I am a "lazy *****" because the longest job I've ever held in my 36 years was four months.......the shortest? Three hours! I have alienated my 18 year old daughter because of the constant flucuation this rollar coaster has taken me through!

I am addicted to my mania! I find myself longing for the days when I feel good about myself! That statement isnt entirely true! Because I feel great about myself! Ahhh the days of my over inflated ego! When I feel GORGEOUS! When I know I can have any man that looks at me! I long for those days to come again! On days like today I want them more than anytthing!

Bbecause on days like today I sit on my couch, still in my PJ's watching tv or playing on my NOOK in a generalized miserable mood for absolutely no reason, ccounting my blessings! What are those blessings you may ask? Well thats the interesting part on these kinds of days! Im tthankful that hubby did the dishes because he knew it was easiier than asking me to do them and they probably wouldnt have gotten done if he did ask me! Im thankful that my daughter went on a two week vacation to Florida and decided to stay there because she cant stand to be near me because then we wont argue! (All me and ger do is argue) Im thankful she isnt her to tell me Im a useless *****(I have hubby to thank for convincing her thats all I am) Im thankful my 16 year old son has social anxiety disorderr because he just leaves me alone for the moost part! And on rainy days like this Iim most thankful for living in the middle of nowhere and having no friends! Becausew it allows me to live comfortably in my depression.....to embrace it.......and no one knows the real me.......not even me!
addictedtomania addictedtomania
36-40
1 Response May 9, 2012

Btw.........sorry for the typos.....its not the easiest to type on my nook! Pretty trouchy touch screen!