I Keep Trying

I know I can be “too intense” or “too much” or too whatever else I am, but no longer feel the need to apologize for this. I am in the place now where I am trying to accept this aspect of who I am because I have tried so hard to change or contain it and am sick of fighting against it. I am trying to accept, all the joy and turmoil it brings myself and others. I am acutely aware of how it can affect others, not always at the time, but in retrospect I can deeply feel and see how it can be good and bad and always never predictable. I know this. I have recently been diagnosed as bipolar and been trying to self medicate with alcohol and pills to somehow relieve what I feel at every moment because my emotions are so strong.
I get exhausted trying to deal with them every day and sometimes just need a reprieve. I have found so many ways to reprieve it: alcohol, sex, drugs, eating disorders, school, work, art, exercise, the list goes on. I am always trying to improve myself so I no longer need a reprieve, but it has not worked for twenty years now. Yes, I have struggled with the way I am every day for twenty years. This struggle has helped me and hurt me in so many ways.
It has helped me because I am able to love and have compassion and acceptance for the human condition in ways that other people can’t. It has hurt me because it has caused so much pain for me and those around me I have been driven to suicide many times. So as you can see I am a mess, my problems, thoughts, and feelings never seem to go away as much as I desire them to. I have worked so hard to have an externally normal life concealing my daily truths and turmoil.
For a long period I have been successful at this, but have started to fail and diminish back into myself which is the worst thing I can do. I deeply understand all aspects of myself that are undesirable to society and especially men. I often feel powerless and hopeless to change this. This is how my life is. I don’t want to be involved with someone that cannot have compassion and acceptance of this.
I cannot be with someone that will leave me at the drop of a hat. I cannot be with someone I cannot trust to love and hold me when I am in crisis and laugh with me about it later. I cannot be with someone that does not see all the gifts I offer. I cannot be with someone that does not believe there are gifts in suffering. I cannot be with someone that is is simple and lacks depth to the point where they are not interested in sharing their experiences of their own life with me. I am not sure if I can be with you…..
honeybunny867 honeybunny867
1 Response May 12, 2012

Have you ever tried medication to control your bipola?

Yes, I take 20mg prozac, 25mg serequel, and 150mg lamictal.