Maybe Bipolar

Hey everyone, this isnt all that easy for me but I need some answers. All my life I have felt different somehow than other people, and I realized this at an early age but didnt know why or how I was "different" if that makes any sense. As a kid I had a somewhat aloof attitude I guess you could say but I didnt flaunt it or purposfully draw attention to that attitude. Or if I did, I did not realize that I was doing it. Although a little later in life I began to feel like I was the guy that everyone loved to hate lol. And could not understand why, because I wasnt one to pick at or make fun of people or embarass them in front of oter people, and would get mad when some of my friends would engage in that type of behavior. I considered my self to be a good person. And wondered why I started to feel like some people didnt like me or that I rubbed them the wrong way somehow.

I remember trying to picture myself in the future of having a house of my own, wife, kids the whole "american dream" model citizen or whatever, and I could not see it. And I think that I knew my life was not going to be like that. It is very hard to explain as it is more gut feeling but anyways... I've been strugling with doing the normal things that people are expected to do in our society my whole life. I didnt make good grades in school unless I liked the subject, rarely did and loathed homework. Which was a big part of my grades being crap. I laid out of class a lot etc.... and those habits kinda carried over into work ethic and all that. I have never held a steady job, I think the longest that I worked with the same company was 2 years. I never got fired but would quit the job. I've had substance abuse problems, still do. Caused untold worrying and negative impact on other people lives in "adulthood" Mainly my family, with run ins with the law etc.... substance abuse being the primary factor in that. I didnt steal or do violent crime but was damn good at self destruction and still am, and it feels like its getting worse. I just want to be normal and have the kind of life that responsible people lead. Why cant I hold a staedy job? Why cant I find something to do that I enjoy and channel that into a "career"? Why dont I have friends that come over on weekends and shoot the breeze at the BBQ while waiting for the game to start, or whatever else? In my earlier years I was quite social, and did those kinds of things. But now I have no desire whatsoever to have people come over, or go to their place. Why couldnt I do the things that were required of me in my first marriage, and be a father to my daughter that she could rely on? And now why cant I step it up and be a loving husband to my wife who has been more than patient with me since we been married. I'm really shocked that I am married and have her love, and cant seem to do anything to return the favor in a positive way. I'm a wreck! And she deserves so much more from me. I am so ashamed of my behavior. I hate that dude! I feel like Golem in lord of the rings sometimes lol. I could continue for hours about my life, but back to bipolar topic.

I started to seek some answers because obviously something isnt right with me. Read up on ADHD and immediatly recognized a lot of those traits in myself. Went to Dr recently to get tested but they didnt have it there or something but he asked me to read up on bipolr and I did and recognize a lot of that too. Which he said ADHD is the mildest form of bipolar, said everyone who is bipolar is also ADHD. And its weird because I have heard about bipolar, learned about it in psych course at university, another thing I didnt follow through on.... sigh... anyways why has it taken this long for me or any of the treatment centers ive been in for substance abuse to recognize those bipolar traits? But now the more I think about it I see more and more traits that apply to me, but is that just my imagination talking myself into seeing that? kinda like power of suggestion? I dont know! It is almost a relief though to be honest. Finally I can put a label on why I act the way I do, and can stop asking why so much, but there again I dont want to talk myself or be talked into believing something that isnt true. That make any sense? I must sound like a basket case and truthully I'm having concern for my sanity. but thats another book I could write about all that too. I think I'm done for now though. Can anyone relate to any of that? Or am I the lowest human on the planet? Thanks all
Isee333 Isee333
36-40, M
1 Response May 16, 2012

A good psych can give you the clinical interview. It is a series of questions out of the DSM 4 that probes for mental illnesses. If properly done it takes about 2 hours, which is why most docs short cut it. Answer the questions honestly and you will have a very good answer.<br />
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I have had Bi polar all my life.

yeah I will ask the shrink about that next time i go. thanks