Life As I Know It...

I do remeber the entire conversation and agree and appreciate your honesty. I am sorry too. I am being honest with my therapist and social worker. The only problem is that there is nothing they can do to help really except listen, give me pills, and not judge me, as you said it is up to me to sort myself out.

Unfortunatly, I have been this way for 20 years, but it is showing iteslf in a less socialily acceptable way. I am not sure what is better allowing the outward expression of what is going on with me internally or keeping how I deal with everything a secret (i.e. food, sex, perfectionism, controlling, school, ect) so it doesn't affect anyone because that brings me such sadness. The only things I tend to hide are aspects of myself that noone wants to hear or know about. It makes people uncomfortable and am often judge because of it which makes it worse for me. I do share those things with my therapist and social worker though because I know they won't be use it against me or threaten the relationship like it will with friends.

B--- doesn't help all the time, but sometimes he does because he does bring me a lot of comfort when I really need it. Even though it is a pretty sick relationship, I am able to feel a connection and acceptance with him I haven't ever felt with any man because we don't judge or criticise the ugly parts of who we are, we allow them to be expressed and communicate/laugh about it in a safe space, knowing we fundamentally care about one another. He lets me cry in his arms and we encourage each other when we are struggling through school, jobs, travel, friendships, relationships, life ect. for 6 yrs.

I know I am not an easy person to be involved with but am trying to accept the way I am for all the joy and turmoil it causes me and others. Everyday, I don't know what my moods/behavior ect. will be soI am just trying my best. Not sure what to say, some days I am happy, meditate, excersise, pray, journal, eat healthy and other days I just want to escape because I can't handle how I feel or life anymore and have no idea why. I just wish I wasn't like this and it didn't effect other people. I am just waiting for vacation, I think a month of yoga, spiritual stuff, vegetarian, ect and helping people will really help me get back to where I want to be.
honeybunny867 honeybunny867
1 Response May 23, 2012

That's very smart of you to take a vacation. I think that may help you a lot. Just keep thinking positive and be strong. You're lucky to have someone by your side to support you. I wish you the best and hope you find the joy in your life. <br />
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Take Care