It All Makes Sense...

I have a new diagnosis for my depression and all this stuff and it's hitting me hard. It's like now that I know what's wrong with me it all falls into place. I have all the symptoms of this "disorder" and I'm so aware of it.

My favorite place on Earth is because of this disorder. It's a white water rapid dangerous place with rocks and floods and danger a lot. It's risky, I like risks.

My favorite friends are because of this disorder. They're fun and spontaneous. They make me impulsive.

The reason I joined color guard, my life now, is because of this disorder. Impulsive again just wanting to do something fun.

I'm supposed to be aware of all of my "impulsive actions". Random sex, random piercings, random tattoos, random smoking and drinking. I'm having a hard time accepting that the reason I do all those things, those things that make me "me" is because there is something wrong with me... Apparently I do them because it's my secret way of cutting. I do it to get hurt in the end. And to feel something. Exactly like cutting.

Today I joked around with some guys and we all joked about them being my boyfriends and us having sex. Total joke since I'm off of any type of sexual activity, for the record. But once I found myself joking about it and having a good time I had to stop because it was bugging me that that was my "disorder".

Then I drank. I got mad again. I'm not supposed to be doing that! First of all that cancels out my anti-depressant, second of all that is one of those "impulsive actions".

Finally, I almost smoked. I found some guys that were gonna smoke and I almost wanted to, I walked over there and right before I did I thought about it. And walked away. Crying. Because now I KNOW. I KNOW now that there is something ****** up about me. Something more serious than "a phase". Something that I have to "learn to cope" with the rest of my life.

It's embarrassing. When you hear the word "bipolar" it makes everything seem worse. Like your crazy. I'm not crazy I'm just broken. I'm trying to fix myself.

It makes me want to cut but wouldn't that be the opposite of my recovery? Wouldn't that just make me spiral down? Yeah. Awesome. The worst part is who can I talk to this about? No one. I haven't told my mom yet because she refuses to think there is anything wrong with me, she blames herself if its serious. I'm not doing that to her. And all of my friends on this campus that I trust and feel good around are new. Are brand new friends and I'm not sure if they can keep something this person confidential.

I wish Gina was here. She was the first person I told. Her and Josh. I need someone who knows, so when I am doing something that leads to the disorder they slap me and say stop. Who can I even go to like that?

And the absolute worst part is that I have guy problems out the *** which is associated like crazy with this disorder. I have one guy at home who thinks we should date. No. I have another here that I'm trying to ******* get over and it's the hardest **** ever since I have to see him everywhere. And I have a guy who kisses me behind closed doors, and texts me at night, and holds my hand, and cuddles, and who even, yes, has had sex with me. But we can't date... because I'm "one of the guys". Yeah, all my new friends here (who are all guys) see me as... one of the guys. To be a girl now is weird to them. I don't know... it's all ****** up.

Now I have an option. To go on what's called a "mood stabilizer". But the bad part? It makes you "numb" as I call it. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I'm just here. Now I want to get rid of my depression. I want to stop having suicidal thoughts and stop cutting... but to get rid of my happiness? My impulsiveness? My crazy side? My wild side? Can I do that? I don't know... and it's hard to find out. Because the only way... is Trial and Error.

I don't want to be a lab rat. I want to be me.
SimplyComplicatedMe SimplyComplicatedMe
18-21, F
Sep 7, 2012