My Inner Demon.

I call it my inner demon. When it takes over, I have no control. I do things and say things I noramally wouldn't. I start fights. Lose best friends. It's like I have no control over myself anymore.

I was diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder 4 months ago. That was during a really rough time in my life. I find that being alone helps me. If I'm around other people I get shaky and cold and start freaking out. I don't take any medacine because I'm allergic to pills. I don't go to a therapist because my family doesn't believe in it. I think being by myself is the best therapy. But I can't always be by myself. When I go under an 'attack' I don't remember things. I don't remember my own name half the time. Crying for no reason. Randomly going from happy to sad. Screaming, throwing things, not acting like the normal Emily. And it just scares me knowing that I am going to be stuck with this demon for the rest of my life. It tries to get me to kill myself. Hurt other people to most of the time. Not act like myself and make people not like me and be afraid of me. I don't have many friends. Just one. And I think she's the only one I need. I am sick of this demon and need him to be gone.
gymnast4l gymnast4l
2 Responses Sep 12, 2012

That's exactly what I feel now. I don't take any pills and I don't go to see my therapist anymore. I just feel like this demon is trying to control me now, I feel so aggressive and want to hurt anyone. I feel like I would kill if I could but thinking about the consequences stops me. I just imagine me stabbing someone or torturing some people , then after a while I feel good and get in so high mood for no reason. I need help and I admit that, but I can't get it.

I can definitely relate to you. When writing in my journal or talking to my therapist, the only way I can describe it is that it's someone different and I sit back and watch HER destroy things in MY life, push people away, starting fights, behaving in a way that I would never. Being able to seperate myself from "her" or the disease has helped me a lot. I know it's not the true me, even if others disagree. Meds have helped me tremendously since being diagnosed about 2 1/2 months ago, I also see a psychiatrist once a month and a therapist once a week. Night and day difference, and SHE doesn't ruin things in my life now, I'm able to be me and shine through. I wish you the best!