Where Art Thou Happiness!!

Well its been over a month with no meds and my family doctor wouldn't treat me for bipolar so now i am trying to find a new phys.doc. and this is one time i hate living in such a small *** town because there isn't one close to me.I am having a difficult time maintaining a positive attitude and not just take to my bed and block out the world.Life goes on and whether i like it or not I have to participate in it.I am morning the loss of my family members that i have lost over the last 10 yrs and my grief never takes a vacation.I just don't know what it means to deal with something,i mean everyone is like just deal with it and let it go but how does one go about dealing with something.All my life I have pushed these feelings so deep inside me and just pushed through the pain and went on day by day trying not to think about it.That is my way to deal with it,why is that so wrong?There is more to my grief than just dealing with my brothers murder and both of my uncles suicides and my lil cousins death,and that is dealing with the way they died and all this anger,sadness and guilt built up inside me and not having anywhere for it to go except my mind.I am very close to my mother and in the last year her health has taken a turn for the worst and I know I am close to having to let her go to,i guess that is what has triggered all this mental anguish in the last 6 months.Everything has felt like what mental problems i knew i had,is now kicked into overdrive and nothing makes much sense to me anymore.I never knew how hard is was going to be losing my brother until it happened so now i know ,how hard that was i feel like i can not handle losing my mother to.I have one other brother and he has had some very serious health problems this year and my mind is constantly going over and over and over everything.It won't stop thinking about death..I am not wanting to let anymore of my family go and yet i know i have no control over it and that alone drives me crazy..Every emotion feels so intensified and every decision seems to be all or nothing.I can't even feel happiness at this point i am either extremely sad or extremely angry or i feel completely numb.
deleted deleted
26-30
Dec 9, 2012