The Proccess

Once again I will state that bipolar is not a disorder but rather a natural cycle of perception in a certain kind of very sensitive and highly intelligent people.

Anyway on with my story, analogy actually, being bipolar is like driving an old beater hotrod, at first it wont start at all, then it finally starts running and its backfiring and misfiring and acting like it is not getting enough air and it will only move slowly, even at full throttle, but then it sputtered and coughs and lets out a huge cloud of black smoke and suddenly the tires are smoking and it takes off like a bat out of hell and handles like a dream. Now your getting somewhere, this is the way things ought to be, you complete your journey in nothing flat and then cruise for fun, then it is time to go on another journey, it starts up, sounds healthy, idles just right and roasts them out of the driveway, knocks a couple times and dies, you spend the next 4 hours trying to get it to start again. Repeat until you die.

That is bipolar.

Clever bipolar people in the past used to find more consistent middle road people to serve them and guard them during their times of weakness. I am convinced that this practice coupled with the general aloof and eccentric behavior of the often insomniac bipolar person is what gave rise to the modern legends of vampires and their human daytime guardians.

On the same token I am convinced that antisocial hunter/gatherer bipolar hermits who lived far back in the woods gave rise to the Western legends of werewolves.

Being bipolar is a natural occurrence, people with this nature should be treasured for their empathic and creative abilities, they have unique needs but also a unique and needed place within humanity. Unfortunately the modern world is all about doing what is counterproductive to humanity, so these treasures are disregarded, marginalized or crunched into a pathetic mimicries of normalcy by those whose 'always on' yet 'always mediocre' personalities couldn't comprehend the needs or blessings of the bipolar person and felt threatened by their eccentricities.

Wolfbilly Wolfbilly
41-45, M
3 Responses Jan 7, 2013

I think I understand where you are coming from. I don't trust Big Pharma any more than I trust Big Brother. Studies that indicate a drug works nicely in a particular situation are pushed to the forefront and studies that indicate otherwise get shoved under the rug. And most doctors don't like their patients to be well informed. I think we should all be our own doctors and all federal drug laws abolished. Call me a non-conformist and an unrepentant rouge - please!

I had psych doc in prison who told his patients "I'm just the drug man. I prescribe drugs that change your brain chemistry just like your drug of choice (alcohol) changes it!" Behold, a doctor in whom there is no guile!

By chance could you point me toward any sources for the theories in your two paragraphs that begin with "Clever bipolar people ...." and "On the same token I am convinced ..." The theories sound plausible to me.

(quoting wolfmankay1) "you let yourself have an accountability pass early on ...." Yes. I knew something was wrong with me, but couldn't (or wouldn't) put a finger on it. Back then having a diagnosis carried a lot of stigma. After getting a diagnosis and meds I was angry for awhile that it didn't happen decades earlier. My point of view now is that it took everything that happened to get me where I am today.

I like to think that if a group of "differently wired" people people were put in a big room with huge blackboards and plenty of notebooks and allowed to form their own groups and given one or more problems to work on we could come up with ideas that would change the world.

Yes, that is our natural role, if we didn't live in the times of madness we bipolars would naturally become the village wise men. I wouldn't want to be around a lot of 'differently wired' people but other 'polars would be fine as long as we shared the same basic values, then I am sure that if we applied our brains and also helped each other cope through the hard parts, we would be a force to be reckoned with. And yes, big pharma is as rotten as it comes and the FDA is in on the conspiracy. Now, while I don't think possession of drugs should be criminalized because it just makes them more expensive and surrounds them with greed and violence that the government takes advantage of, I still dont believe in taking brain drugs, of any kind, not even if it is "natural" I believe in taking good care of ones health, having the proper outlook and focusing ones energies on things that matter, not experimenting about with substances seeking personal favorites and then crutching on that endlessly. I had lots of friends that used to "manage" themselves with pot and shrooms and cross tops (the real ones) and ephedra and other stuff, it was always about getting their buzz on first thing in the morning and adjusting it just right then vegging through the day, their brains were marshmallows, but they claimed to "need" it and they would pitch a fit if they didnt have it but even though some did have legit mental issues, they were all just being junkies. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't "needed", they were just spoiled adult brats that liked being stoned all the time and acted like babies if they couldn't be that way. I fell in with them because I was trying the same thing at the time, and it was kind of stupid fun being stoned and living like a more intelligent and mellow version of a cheech and chong movie for a while but being the big Lebowski wasn't my life's aspiration so it got old and I grew up, but they didnt and they were 20+ years older than me. I wanted the real thing to and to fully go into my own nature and learn what it was meant for, I was certain it wasn't for 'managing' with weed and beans. I learned and now I know. We don't need and shouldn't dope ourselves with anything unless it is a medical emergency. I confess I still have a drink now and then but I restrict it primarily to red red wine or beer and I am only allowed one bottle of wine a month or two torpedos of beer. And even that is really too much and I am slowly tapering that off. I have found that eating very healthy food and getting rigorous exercise adjusts my brain chemistry very well, I still get severely depressed but it doesn't last ad long and the manics last even longer. It used to be the opposite, I used to say 'I am not sure if I am bipolar, it seems I am just stuck in one pole, the bad one', but my application of logic and health nut research and knowhow has paid off better than any drug ever could. These things work for anyone.

I forgot to answeer your question about the origin of those legends, throughout western European and early American folklore there were always the two archetypes, the crazy wealthy guy in the castle who always slept all day and did weird things at night, a lot of 'mad scientist' legends came about the same way. If you look back there really were a lot of famous cases like that. I can't name them off the top of my head but i don't think it would take much effort to find real life mad scientists throughout history that fit the bill, Benjamin Franklin was a little that way and used to have friends that were even more that way than he was.

Then of course you have the other kind, wild hermit mountain men like Jeremiah Johnson and the "wild man of the Wynoochee. All these stories have many actual basis in reality. These men didnt turn into animals but the way they lived they were very animal like and when dressed in furs and sporting a long beard and the wild eyes of a woodsman, I am sure they looked plenty like early conceptions of how a 'wolfman' would look. That is where I get my nick, I used to get told I looked 'wolfish' back when I used to live in the bush in Forks Washington and run (not walk) through them in search of mushrooms and other goodies to harvest for a few bucks. There were also others who did similarly and also a few rich recluses living way out in the forest in very nicely built cabins. The foresters and loggers used to come into town dirty and covered with leaves and twigs and sawdust and oil from head to foot from working in the woods and go into the stores and cafes and bars. Mysteriously around that time some chick started writing about werewolves and vampires living in the forests around Forks. I wonder where she got the idea....,

Sadly, when the government strangled the logging and the brush harvesting to death the real men left and that left a bunch of clowns with Seattle envy to run my beloved Forks, they started wussing out the whole town and making it a little liberal cesspool. I loved that town once, I am only sad for it now, but anyway, back tot he subject, there are loads of wealthy western European and early American 'mad scientist'/vampire types in history and probably even more scary 'sasquatch' looking mountain men that may have seemed 'wolfish to draw tall tales and archetypes from.

I used alcohol to self medicate. And the alcohol became a problem, so I gave it my best try at quitting. But I'd find myself drunk again, sometimes with a sketchy memory of getting the first drink. I ended up getting two felony DWI's and prison rehab. I'd already done rehab on the outside many times. A couple years later, after going off on my neighbors (doing crazy **** that really isn't me - set fires around their LP gas tank and threw bricks at them) it dawned on me - HOLY ****, I'M BIPOLAR! Well, that insane night got me back to do another 9 months of my sentence and my poor wife was pressured by Family Services to get a restraining order requiring "no contact" (even though I'm locked up) and after I get out the judge won't heed her request to lift the order. So the wife and kids were without me in the home for a full year.

Rambling on without using paragraphs usually isn't my style. But it sums up why meds are important to me. There are a lot of family members who don't want their loved one to go off meds. Now, for those folks who cope without meds, I have no gripe.

That is even sadder, you let yourself have an accountability pass early on and now you and the rest of the people around you dont trust yourself enough to give being drug free a chance. Here is the trouble, those brain meds deteriorate the brain and they can cause a person to just suddenly become incoherent, I hope that doesn't ever happen to you.

I used to self medicate with alcohol too, for most of my life, and I did some damn stupid things too, but I got myself together with GODs help. GOD didn't mean for us to have to take junk to behave, he gave us wills. The system want u on their chemistry a part of their control over us, I would fight tooth and nail never to allow anyone to put a brain drug in my body. I am glad you are at least able to have more peace than before but I will never see brain drugs as anything but a crutch and I do not accept the "my bipolar made me do it" excuse either, bipolar makes us see and feel, but not choose. I hope you and your wife can have some peace and that drugs or no drugs, you will choose to behave right.

Be well.

Part of me agrees with you. Sometimes I think about taking that old beater hotrod out of the garage by setting the meds aside for awhile. But I've come to appreciate the recent model sedan (my moderately medicated life) with its steadiness and reliability. I wish a good journey to all my fellow bipolars.

Man that is sad, and an intentional conspiracy to deprive mankind of its 'sensitives' its 'wise men' by either subverting their abilities by coercing them to serve evil or by calling them 'sick' and doping them into mediocrity rather than helping them have the space to indulge their natures enough to find their own rhythm and be productive in powerful ways that help all of mankind. It is a devils bargain to trade in the powerful gifts of the abilities to see and feel the highs and the lows to a height and depth most never fathom and to have moments of superhuman ability that can be tempered and made humble and useful by the powerful perception and empathy they gained during the weak part of their cycle.

I know how bad depression can hurt and I know in this society we are very restricted and oppressed, I understand just wanting to be out of pain even if it means being numb, but I have personally chosen to be alive, accept my nature, manage it, rather then poison myself with their mind rotting carcinogenic dope. I need the harsh awareness and sensitive to keep me grounded and I need my moments of powerful genius to make me who I am and accomplish what I am for. I wont trade either and I wont take their poison.

I wish you well, thanks for your comment.