Will Tomorrow Feel Better?

I am having an awful day so I just feel like venting or I could really go mad.
Music is trying to soothe me, but It began this week or earlier whatever.
I am desperately exhausted, I hate it , I just can't bear it anymore.
I wish somebody cared enough about me to take me to the doctor because It's so difficult for me, I will try to take an apointment on monday if I get the courage.it's not easy for me, I often think it's useless.
I want to feel better.
I mean a lot of people imply that depressive people are so lost they are happy in their suffering! **** it, I am angry, angry as hell, I am not happy in this, I loathe it all, I can t appreciate all I have, even if it's not perfect I am so sad that I can t appreciate my life, my family, the people who show me some loving.
I am so hurt to be a bipolar mom because I knew it would happen, I remember before having kids, I told myself that if I was still like this with kids I would not forgive myself.
Because I feel ugly,selfish,cruel, unfair.
I can be such a tender, funny loving mom and then the moment after it's the army.
I scream, I get furious and I surely scare my children.
I am so sad it hurts so much.
I am lucky that my family forgives me, especially my children.But how will it be in 5 years or ten years?
can we really heal or tame bipolarity? I dont believe in meds except that it ***** you up even more. but that is my humble opinion.
I am reading books on how to heal without meds and therapy, but I often know how much its heavy on me and I need to vent, talk to someone.

I believe life is really cruel and unfair to me, because honestly I am the one who hear everyone when they cry, whatever it is,I dont judge the amount of pain, I hear it carefully, with my open heart.
I am human. deeply.
and I know how pathetic this might sound.
But I wish there were out there someone who could say, talk, vent, pour your soul, I am here to hear, to listen.

My body does not function right,it keeps telling me how sick I feel. I have pains everywhere, oppressions, I can't breathe sometimes.
yeah I know should see my doctor...
I have lost so much weight :-(

I know I am the one who can change my life. I am trying to change it right now, building my own business, trying to trust my soul, to keep being brave and not worry about the future...but being an artist is not something that is serious...but what if I can t live any other way?

I am turning 34 in two months, and I keep holding on to that quotes, that says enjoy that you are getting one more year for lots of people haven't had that privilege.( something like that) yeah, lucky me. but it's something really painful to me because though it's still young I feel I am already so old and that everything is behind me, like I have nothing much more existing and magical to live. I surely wont have anymore children, because I hate pregnancy and having endured two PPD no thank you. Plus though I try hard to be a good mom, I am so disappoint of myself in this, I wish I handle everything better than this.

thank you for listening to my tears.
PoemofRain PoemofRain
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 11, 2013

i know you are struggling but not matter what tell your children you love them and hug them. even when your down. my mom is bipolar and she always cared more for herself. Your childrens love will help heal you

thank you for your comment. Yes the love I feel for my children and the love they give me back is helping me but also it makes me feel guilty and like I dont deserve it, I think also that my children deserve a better life than mine.