Bipolar And My Relationship

I'm in a 4.5 year relationship with the man I want to spend my life with. I'm 23 he is 25 and I was diagnosed 4 months ago. He feels that since I have been diagnosed it has gotten worse. My only answer to that is that before being diagnosed I thought I was normal with a bad attitude, meaning I had complete control. During that time he and I fought almost every day. He used to say to me how long are you going to fight with yourself. It broke my heart. He tells me now I should stop reading articles because he thinks I'm making an excuse to not be better. The reality is for me if I don't find people who understand and can share their experience and stories I know I will end up in the hospital. He is the kind of man who would not stick around unless he wanted to be here. Somedays I feel unwanted but I have to remind myself he is going through this too and he really loves me. I often feel unlovable but again he wouldn't be here if he didn't. I think it's easier for him to just disconnect which is where we stand right now today because I finally blew up last night after a trip to the grocery store. At the end of the day, as long as I do my best and stay on my meds, communicate with my team and do what I'm told I can't be hard on myself. If he stays like I hope he does I know this will get better because I'm committed to being stable. My mom is also bipolar and she is stable. Last time we were all together she asked him how I was and how he was and she told him she used to be worse than I am, he was relieved and I believe that's one of the reasons he has not given up on our relationship. I feel I need to apologize to him after a blow up but I feel it's pointless at the same time. He has heard it before so instead I focus on being better today than I was yesterday so that my actions speak louder than my words. My dr has me on the wrong meds, my lows are very scary and I'm not having highs because she lowered my anti depressant. I go tomorrow and my mom is joining me because after my episode last night she felt I was borderline needing to go to the hospital. This whole thing seems like a bad dream but I am taking responsibility for my results because its up to me and me only to get myself healthy. I'm very fortunate to have the support team that I do but even somedays I feel all alone.
Checkmate90 Checkmate90
22-25, F
Jan 14, 2013